Wonder Woman: German, likes drugs, and is mother of zombie turtle boy?

Hello everyone, and welcome to another hateful/fun-filled installment of "Box to Abu Dhabi," where my dear friends (and myself in this case) came across people and things that need to be packed up in a box, and sent to Abu Dhabi never to return. If it were only true. So in this case, I would like to apologize in advance to that country for what I'm about to postmark.


I'm warning you now: this video is going to take away three minutes of your life you'll never get back. So it's up to me to do you all a favor and tear it a new asshole, bundle it up, and have U.S. Soccer player Landon Donovan to boot the fucking thing into a void of no return....Here it is:



::In my best dracula voice:: Bahahahahaha!!! Good evening boys and ghouls! Welcome to Mount Suck-ulah!! Be afraid, be very afraid...or mildly disgusted, that's your choice. The 2nd one would most likely be more of your mortal reaction. I'm not home at the current time but my cracked out mistress will be sure to show you around!! hahahahaha!! :end dracula impression::

If you watched this and your first reaction was "What the fuck did I just watch?", you are not alone. You may have seen clips of this horror of this trainwreck on an episode of Beavis and Butt-Head, but I'm here to show you this abomination in its entirety. Let's start from the beginning. We see a skull "mountain" and some 80s-esque strobe lights that would give someone a seizure and special effects that your local high school A/V department can whip up in a matter of minutes. The camera fades into a cob-webbed cave scene that even any low grade halloween supplies company would get pissed off about. You then see a man that basically looks like he's just been shitcanned by a gang of fire extinguishers and seems to be threatened by the director at gun point not to move on set. Wait..what's this...It's Wonder Woman!.....on....crack? This is starting to look very bad. Who the hell is this? Someone named Nina Hagen? Huh? This broad comes staggering on set to sing a song about a guy named Herman? Herman Munster? Nah, just that douche covered in white. I'm thinking she's singing/puking in German? Maybe? ahh fuck it, who cares. She has a Wonder Woman head band on and wearing make-up that resembles the world renknowned "I like Turtles!" kid. If you need a visual of what this kid looks like, here's an idea.



Her Son? Maybe they'e related? Anyway, then the rest of her costume just doesn't work. Yo bitch, where'd you get that cape? A KISS convention? Gene Simmons wants his cape back! How dare you insult the God of Thunder! Blasphemy!!! I'm not fluent in German, but just by her "singing" it sounds like she's getting a fist shoved down her throat leaving her groaning and gasping for air. A muzzle and a foot up the ass would have sufficed...or the destruction of this video shoot in general. And good god, look at those armpits! Get a weedwacker in there. Just a heads up ladies - not shaving your armpits does not enhance your look of evil, it just looks gross. Then if the video couldn't get any stranger, here comes more breathtaking visuals. Druggie's face is in the skull and she is talking in a robotic voice. Hmm...I am either speechless, angry or confused. I'm not sure yet. They fade back into Madame Shitstorm's Cave of Fail where now she appears to be having an old fashioned pro wrestling "Test of Strength" with the guy still standing there covered in cob webs most likely bought from Party City. It suddenly starts to look like she starts coming down from her drug high as she starts getting confused and running around....Aaaaaargh this needs to end...ok..some keyboards(?)...a shitty guitar solo..one more special effect which I'm sure went over the budget aaaaand...it's finally over. And if you look to the top right at the end of your screen it says "Treatment clinic" on top of the doorway. A Methadone one I hope for this lady's sake.

The moral of this story is, crack and cocaine are bad...so is sucking. You put them together, and whoa...just..no...horrible.

Off to Abu Dhabi with you. Donovan kicks, he scoooores! GOOAAALLL!

Welp, that's all I got for now. Thanks to my friends for letting me in on a blog on this wonderful website. And for the rest of you I hope you enjoyed my little insert. In the meantime, stay thirsty my friends!

Irish Kev

This song doesn't take anyone to O-Town.

At the turn of the century, the music industry was exploding with boy bands. N’Sync, and Backstreet Boys were kings of the mountain, and of course, other people see the money flowing and try to capitalize on the excesses. Lou Pearlman, god of the corporately fabricated “artists” ( see N’Sync), decided to bring his method of hand-picking individuals for a group into the forefront of American consciousness by launching a show that aired on ABC entitled “Making the Band.” The first season showcased selection and “talent” of the individuals of the pop group. Yes, you read that correctly: The First Season. This show went on to complete a total of three seasons, all about O-Town.

After the first season, they were signed to Clive Davis’ J-Records, and with help from the popularity of the television show, their first album, “O-Town” sold over two million copies. Their single, “Liquid Dreams” (saved for another post down the road) reached #10 on the Billboard Hot 100. As with most “boy bands,” the end came when they decided to show that they were “true” artists. The success of the first album granted them more artistic freedom to write and produce their own songs. The album was eventually released but the moderate reception led to the emancipation of O-Town from their record contract.

The song “We Fit Together”, off their debut album, showcased the talent of this corporate band and is what brings us together today. As the last single off their first album, this was meant to bridge the gap between albums. Although MTV.com lists this song as #4 on TRL: Top Boy Band Videos, this was not a strong enough song to save the band.  The video showcases beach excesses and opens with a yacht tearing through the water while the guys stroll the beach. Speaking of the guys, what is up with the Marky Mark look-alike with dreads? Just to be clear, wearing a fedora with a doo rag and playing a guitar does not a musician make. I suppose he is the “bad boy” of the group.

 Anyhow, out of all of those girls on the boat, why are they ALL attracted to one girl? What does that say for that girl? Apparently, she is the girl from Impanema. Where is Impanema you may ask? I have no clue. This typical song about a guy (or incidentally, guy’s) infatuation about a girl goes sour with not necessarily offensive, but just crudely, non-creative lyrics. “How many triple x dreams that’s been starring you?” “I wanna go ‘Knock, Knock’ our bodies to the beat?” I’m sure it worked on this one girl from Impanema.  It ends with the refrain of “I wanna go all night, can I go inside.” I do believe that that line does not need explanation but is posted here to show the rudimentary lyrics presented.

Submitted for you approval, O-Town’s “We Fit Together” will be boxed, taped, locked, and shipped to Abu Dhabi. 

-Todd