Don't panic. I know how you feel right now.
If you are drinking any alcoholic beverages or doing anything else recreational to calm the nerves (hopefully not), I'm sorry because this probably just killed any buzz you may have acquired in the last hour or so. Okay then here's what I'm going to ask the readers at this point. How many times did you bring up questions like "Why?", "What the fuck did I just watch?" and statements such as "I don't get it." If you did these, then congratulations, you have just been inducted into the masses of the world that watched this video, heard this song and said the same exact thing! Yikes. Where do I start? So many questions, that all can't fit in my head at once! Let the burying begin. The video opens up and there's so many unanswered questions that lie ahead. It takes you to a desert with some questionable whores in a beat up car. They have their head lights on shining them at this blonde chick who looks like she has no clue where she is, obviously voluntarily drugged. This obnoxious noise in the beginning I believe can attract an alien life form (of which you will actually see once the song starts up). It sure worked in "Close encounters of the 3rd Kind". Only difference is these sounds would probably anger some and make them want to wage war on the human race. I really don't blame them in this case. Speaking of aliens, what in God's name is this thing with the pink dreads, and shiny armor? Looks like something straight out of the Heavy Metal animated movie minus the soundtrack including hits from Sammy Hagar. Whether "I can't drive 55" and other songs like that would make this viewing experience good or not is irrelevant at this point anyway. There's no turning back and I can't apologize enough. I also just read a comment underneath the video that just said "What the fuck is this?". EXACTLY! But this thing with the pink dreadlocks. Oh my god! There's an ocean, now they're swinging swords. What do swords have to do with anything? Oh I get it, they're murdering music and all good taste. No! Someone please stop these space whores from angering the aliens and music gods! They all have swords, and tipped flat brimmed hats. Oh snap, the hipster bitch mafia is in full effect folks so I hope you've got your decaf mocha's and the latest designer drugs ready. Now they show the blonde girl singing. Kids this is what it looks like when Baby Spice from the Spice Girls decides to lock herself in a room with a television, turns to doing drugs, then decides to watch too much anime. Any questions? Sure you do, you're still trying to figure what you've just watched! Oh no, I'm not done! Then you saw "Cocaine Spice" in a limo in the suburbs playing with a snake. God only hoped it was poisonous and bit her so she can stop making music. I guess we're not all that lucky. Now the alien woman is walking down the street eating a lollipop. Now there's MORE hipsters just hanging out in the background. You know the ones that most likely get drunk off of some unknown horrible liquor and thought it would be funny to show up at a local music venue during a hardcore or punk show and get their asses kicked, then talk shit to all of their friends the next day at the local hookah lounge. Now they are driving around in Daddy's new SUV they borrowed to shoot this video. Now more hipsters standing there dancing like idiots! I'm serious, as I write this, I'm watching this and getting legit pissed off! Honey please put down the road flare, you're going to hurt yourself. Wait, scratch that, hurt yourself. Please! Now she has a morning star. Who the fuck gave these people medieval weapons? Why are there more hipster women doing back flips? So many questions so little time. WHAT?!?!? Now she's holding a flaming sword? What is with the swords? Then the alien chick is standing next to our coked out friend, she's staring right at you! She just looked into your soul. She knows what she's doing is awful. I don't feel sorry for her and so help me God, you better not either! Now we have more running around with road flares. Okay I'm done with this video, it's over and I am very angry and disgusted. So here's where my rage continues. What's is this atrocity I just watched? Is this a person? Is this a group? Are they a group trying to rip off those "famous lesbians" from Tatu? Who let these things into a music studio? Who funded their music video? Why God why? I want answers! So I went on the "bathroom stall wall of the internet" aka Wikipedia and looked it up. Here are the painful facts. It's one person (the coked out looking Spice Girl), and she's from British Columbia, Canada. Makes sense as I'm sure there's nothing to do there other than listen to one of my favorite Canadian punk bands, D.O.A. Okay Grimes, so what the fuck, just go do that! But no you have to go do drugs, make no sense, and make horrible music. Good job for taking away a worthy musician's air time. Oh yeah, that's another fact, she sucks. I was told her style of music is "tween wave". More like Suck Wave! For the record to confirm her awful technique, I checked on another video she does and it's her dancing around in front of a blue screen with more hipster tool bags just sitting around hanging out. What a waste. With that said I think I buried this dumb bitch deep enough. Off to Abhu Dhabi you go where I'm sure there's lots of deserts to shoot more shitty videos at. No, you can't bring your Daddy's SUV with you either. At this point you'll listen to anything that will cleanse the head and ears. Repeat as needed. You should go do that now. Come to think of it, here's something GOOD that came out of British Columbia that's a little more tolerable and even enjoyable. D.O.A.! There's your prescription so now consider the doctor currently out of the office.
Peace In the Middle East
Irish Kev
