Within the last month or so before my X-Box 360 got the red ring of death on me (Dammit!) I've been utilizing Netflix instant queue more than usual; which has allowed me more time to explore its vast, yet questionable variety of flicks that had the privilege (or curse) of being put on film. That leads me to the topic at hand. I figured our society's sucky creations in Abu Dhabi has enough music, so let's send them a movie! Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the the newest movie review to the box!
Good God almighty from the heavens do I have a barn burner for you! By that I mean you'll be so outraged and confused by this movie, you will feel the need to burn down a barn. With no animals in it of course. The only thing in it said burning barn would be the director of this film. If you choose to call him that. This shit storm of a flick is called "Rubber". Here's the trailer:
Fiddle-dee dee, where do I start with this one? That's the problem, there is no place to start. Why? Not just because this movie is terrible. Because the plot and pretty much everything else about it is a shit show. The entire idea I gathered from this was a movie directed by a hipster to make other hipsters laugh, which in reality is already far beyond my disappointment level. Let's start at the attempt of a story line. A tire named "Robert" that rises from the desert and has a mind of its own with the ability to make people's heads explode. Funny idea possibly, right? No. Apparently for some people it's easy to take a simple plot with the chance of it being funny, and mutilate it. A character in the beginning shows up in a cop car telling you immediately the movie doesn't make sense. Well no shit, because the trailer didn't show you that (sarcasm). Is it funny though? If you have a terrible sense of humor and laugh at just about anything, even long quiet pauses with really dumb shit added in between, then yes it's right up your alley. Dry jokes, some numerous boring camera shots, and a little dash of boring on top of scenes where you just have to say "Okay, now it's getting a little too redundant and it's just not funny anymore."
Throughout the story line our shit bag director decides to throw in random side scenes of a bunch of goofy people watching this whole story line go down through binoculars, then served a raw turkey as they eat it like cavemen, then start dying from eating it. What it adds to this movie? Nothing but senseless garbage that isn't even funny. See how the words "not funny" seem to be coming a constant thing in this? Meanwhile jokes are being placed throughout the movie by the characters which I assure you only the director understands them to be so well placed it's amazing. He's so wrong it hurts.Then you've got this dumb lead actress who is striving to be just the sexiest and rebellious hipster chick she can be while being oblivious on her travels while a LIVING TIRE follows her around and "wreaks havoc" along the way as it stocks her. Then the police start chasing it. Okay well to be perfectly honest with you all, here's where I stopped watching it about halfway though because I couldn't take it anymore. I got to a scene where "Robert" rolls into a hotel pool and sinks to the bottom as the camera sits and focuses on the tire sitting there for a few minutes which felt like a god damn eternity. Here is where I've decided this director should not make any type of other movie or short film if his life depended on it. My girlfriend opted out of watching this and went to bed. I truly wished I have done the same and followed it up with a warm glass of bleach to ease the pain.
And you're probably wondering "I wonder what this guy looks like". Oh, trust me he's a douche and it's truly contagious.
Here's a shot of the idiot (middle), found hanging out with Chip Hipster with the nice pink frame plastic glasses and "grimy scraggly dude who strives to look like Jesus" guy. It doesn't stop there.
I can guarantee you after seeing these pictures, that me posing with the WWE United States Championship belt standing next to a random house plant makes me look 40 times cooler and a lot less ridiculous now. Thanks for the confidence boost Mr director!
Aaaaanyway.....
I'm putting in a request somewhere to change the name of this movie from "Rubber" to "Shit" because then at least this movie would live up to its name. Curse you Netflix. If you could see how hard I'm shaking my fist right now, that movie would be off there quicker than someone could say "let's put a terrible looking movie in our instant queue and I'll watch it when I have time." Peace out Rubber. I'm glad I buried you and you will not be missed.
Thanks for reading folks.
Irish Kev
