The world is full of bad music, and it's about time that someone comes along to isolate it all to one location - Abu Dhabi. Meet nine NEPA 20-somethings concerned with the direction that music is going in, and are hoping to put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.
Welcome to the Committee's first post for National Blog Posting Month, or, as abbreviated, NaBloPoMo. Try saying that five times fast. Hell, try saying it once. I bet you can't.
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a huge fan of rap, but there are two kinds that I do enjoy as a guilty pleasure: rap songs that don't take themselves seriously at all, and rap songs that take themselves way too seriously.
Tonight's entry falls under the second category.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Mystikal. At the turn of the century, Mystikal made his name with the "hit" (which will come into play later, trust me) "Shake Ya Ass," or, as known in the radio-friendly profanity-free world, "Shake It Fast." This song is infamous for its instructions to shake your ass, but watch yourself, which in reality, is VERY hard to do.
In this post, we'll look at the second single from the record.
This gem is called "Danger (Been So Long)," and featured the up-and-coming-meaning-never-heard-from-again R&B singer Nivea. The video begins with Mystikal wandering through the desert, seemingly trying to find his way out. This is an intense, dangerous situation, and he lets you know of this by SCREAMING AS LOUD AS HE CAN INTO THE CAMERA OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And as if the screaming wasn't enough, he makes sure to strike some really weird poses while yelling. That's gotta be way too much exertion for someone who's trying to get out of the desert alive.
For the record, I'd try to tell you what the song is about, but I can't understand a single word the guy says, other than "WATCH YO'SELF!" which ties it to "Shake Ya Ass" and makes me wonder what his fascination with people watching themselves is.
My exertion theory is proven as Mystikal falls face-first into the sand. Is he dead? No, I don't think so. Is the song at least over? Nah, we're not that lucky. Instead, some girl (scantily-clad, of course - I mean, this IS the desert) shows up on a motorcycle to bring our hero to safety. Here, they encounter more danger, as I'm sure that driving a motorcycle on sand is not safe. She brings him to this very-well-populated-for-being-in-the-middle-of-the-desert bar, which, of course, has about eight thousand hookers in it. And of course, they all want to grind all over Mystikal, which is a request he fulfills. There's more shouting and mumbling, perhaps about one of his concerts? He claims there's a crowd around the block - maybe that's just for refunds due to people who realized they bought a ticket to see Mystikal. As for his music, he is sure to clarify that "if I tell you it's a hit, then that's just what it is!"
Here, I thought I knew music better than that.
This whole thing wraps up with Mystikal awakening in the desert, realizing that the whole thing was a mirage. It's unfortunate that I can't do the same. Abu Dhabi is within spitting distance of a great number of deserts, so this one should feel right at home there.
Well, well, hello folks and welcome to another installment of "Box to Abu Dhabi" brought to you by Irish Kev and boy oh boy have I got a gem for you! If you haven't seen this yet, wait no more! I'll just fire this baby off to you first, then I'll break it down for you...Brace Yourselves..You've been warned!
Holy mother of God. Did you get through all of that? If you did, congrats! If not, I truly don't blame you.The video starts out, with some guy sleeping on what looks to be a decently mopped checkerboard floor in a diner. What this represents in the beginning of the video, I wish there was some type of explanation, especially once you find out what exactly the song is about. No folks don't keep scratching your head, you'll carve the skin away, this whole video's a mystery leaving you pondering about many things. Just go with it. Oh snap here comes that dope ass hook, Yea. Uh. Yea. Whoa, look at these..gangstas? This T-Baby character looks familiar. I think I've seen her in my neighborhood slapping the shit out of her kid while walking him to the bus stop the other day. Anyway, looks like we have an awful attempt at a soulful chorus. Here I'm getting the notion that she thought up this part while in the shower. It didn't sound good then, didn't sound good when they recorded after. Or ever for that matter."Dead in the water"is the saying I will confidently label the chance of this song from any type of spot in a top 40 hip-hop chart, even 400. Moving along. Okay let's get this scene out of the way. Queue the traditional spilling of the 40's for their dead homies in 3..2..1..there we go. What? No 40 ounce bottles? Are those fucking dixie cups? Look, I know your budget probably wasn't that huge for this, but for a couple extra bucks you could have grabbed more than one bottle, hell maybe a big ass pack of those red plastic cups. I'm sure these ladies are far from weather forecasters but wherever "The D" is accurately located, but it does indeed sound like it's cold there. It's apparently there because her friends were killed in or on the streets. to know this was to supposed to be a serious memorial tribute song, sends chills down my spine. By the time you get halfway through this video you're wondering if their fallen friends and family are willing to rise from the great beyond to put a stop to this seemingly painful song AND video. Unfortunately we're all not that lucky. May I also point out that one of the lyrics in this song has her reminiscing of her and her friend "hanging and banging" which blatantly insinuates she is a possible hoe, or some of my friends would call a "chicken head". Yep, she looks like a chicken head alright. That or the Predator's sister. That's your opinion. Maybe just mine, I don't know. Moving along. You then see her and her friends dancing sluggishly to this continually annoying beat put together by a Casio keyboard and broken rhymes put in front of it. Talk about salt for your wounds, but yes you must admit you can't look away, much like a train wreck. If you keep your eye on the kid in the video, he stops dancing and starts talking to girl next to him. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he's probably asking her when he could stop dancing in that random graveyard. Poor kid, it'll be over soon buddy. If you're even still listening to the song itself, the "rapping" isn't even in pace with the song anymore, and at this point, she's just talking. If you stuck around long enough for this whole video, you're on the floor laughing like I was.Well, that's all there is to this ballad of bad hooks, lyrics, timing, video quality, and entire time spent putting this abomination together.Oh well, all's well that ends well I suppose. Off to the desert wastelands you go! Peace out homies!
2011 wasn't exactly a banner year for music. There was a LOT of bad stuff out there this year, attempting to destroy our eardrums and faith in the entire music industry all at once.
Thankfully, you have us, the Abu Dhabi Box Committee, to clean things up and provide hope for the future that such atrocities are never heard from again. In this SUPER MEGA POST, you'll hear from each member of the Committee, weighing in on what should be shipped off to the shores of Abu Dhabi from the past 365 days.
Ladies and gentlemen. Children of most ages (if it's ok with your
parents) I give you my submission for the Box to Abu Dhabi. First though
I'd like to state that I love our country and one of the things I love
most is that we are all given the right to speak our minds. Regardless
of the topic at hand we were all lucky enough to be raised and to live
in this land were it is ok to have an opinion. Having said that I give
you my selection.
I do want to mention one more thing.
I went on a research trip on YouTube just now through the Billboard Top
50 Charted songs for 2011 to make sure this was in fact my least
favorite. Though there was a lot of shit, including F**k you Tonight by
Enrique Iglesias and everything that Kesha or Britney "I'm a wash up and
don't realize it" Spears did, I feel that this was a pile to be
recognized all by itself.
I give you Adele "Someone like you"
It's Fucking Terrible!!!!!!
I am so tired of people making this broad out to be some amazing talent. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if this voice was coming from someone that was a size 2 instead of a men's 36 she would have had one hit and would have been forgotten about. But NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The media had to look at her and be like "WOOOOOO FATTY CAN SING!!!!!!" Now we're stuck with every pile of crap, I miss you but, I don't, love song this lady writes.
Now don't get me wrong I think she has some level of talent but, not the kind that justifies a rotation of this song every 1/2 fucking hour. Her voice is mediocre at best and honestly I would have been fine with one hit but, if the mainstream media is expecting me to entertain what they feel is the next big, force fed over produced piece of garbage, well I guess it's time to consider getting an XM account.
I will pay big money for the disappearance of this song. I want it rubbed out. And if that were to include dropping it into an unmarked box of some sort in order to be shipped to an area of the world that no one really knows about well than I guess accidents happen every day and people should be a little more careful when they stand so close to boxes.
-Charlie
P.S. Pitbull... You're the worst musician ever and I hope Beethoven, John Lennon, Michael Jackson, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Johan Sebastian Bach and what the hell even Left Eye all come back from the grave and go Walking Dead on your ass because I hate you.
That is all.
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Zakk Wylde. A well-known and respected guitar player. Ludacris. A well-known and respected rapper. Put the two together and what you should find is music magic.
...but it would appear that someone has poisoned the well.
Chad Kroeger. The well-known but not very respected front man for Nickleback. My Darkest Days. No one knows them, and anyone who does certainly does not respect them. They shit out a song they call "Porn Star Dancing" and put all of these other famous names on it. They then proceeded to only do the first verse and the chorus. Chad Kroeger performs the second verse, Zakk Wylde does the solo and Ludacris, well.. he does what Luda does. But even the good names added on to this song couldn't make it any good. Not even close to decent.
And for the record, strippers dance. Porn stars have sex on film. Just sayin.
- Rebecca
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Instead of going right into my pick for the worst song of the year, I'll let you hear the song that influenced my selection.
Yes, it's the timeless classic, "I've Had the Time of My Life," best known for its use in the movie Dirty Dancing. While we never really heard from Bill Medley or Jennifer Warnes again, this track solidified their legacy.
That is, until the Black Eyed Peas came along.
I'm not sure what made Will.I.Am and Fergie think this was a good idea, but in late 2010 (which means it was sadly played ad nauseum for the entirety of 2011), the Peas decided to get back together and release "The Time (Dirty Bit)." At first, it sounds inoffensive enough - the synthesizer comes in, vaguely sounding like the original, to the point where you think it's simply going to be a cover.
But no, the Black Eyed Peas can never do things that easily, and out of nowhere, the most awkward transition comes into the song while someone decides to make the bold statement of "DIRTY BIT" and a really, really subpar dance track starts up. As you see in the video, the viewer is whisked off to some seedy underground dance club where everyone pixelates for no reason. Sadly, that does not occur in reality, and the song continues.
The song goes on and on and on and on and on and on, talking about partying with freaky women and having a good time, which coincidentally, I am not doing while listening to the track. Fergie is sure to chime in and let the listener know that if you didn't know previously, well, "now you know now." Just what that means I'm not sure, but I guess I'm in the minority, because I sure don't know.
Somewhere, the careers of Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes are rolling in their graves, and the people themselves are just rolling somewhere (as I don't believe they're dead), wondering why they're rolling. I'm not sure the Peas could have made the song any worse if they had tried, and trust me, I'm sure they did.
This song gets a fresh start for the new year, however, as it's off to Abu Dhabi. I hope it has the time of its life while it's there, as I'm sure I will never hearing it again.
Imagine, if you can, two twin brothers with long flowing blonde hair, clad in leather and possibly bare chested... Sounds like a scene out of some raunchy romance novel or even the front cover imagery.
However, if you couple that with some less than epic ballad lyrics, you are in for a musical encounter with NELSON. Still can't picture it? Don't worry, there is photographic evidence of this crap.
Nelson formed in the 1990's and are probably best know for their song "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection". They descend from Harriet & Ozzie Nelson, and Rick Nelson, and you would think with so much musical history in their family tree they maybe able to write better lyrics than "When you are done with being his Plan B, call me".
Unfortunately, these guys sound like nothing more than a bad Bon Jovi rip-off with an obsession with naming their albums after poor weather, "Before the Rain", "After the Rain", "The Perfect Storm" AND "Lighting Strikes Twice"... way to be creative.
Surprisingly these two are still making music and just released an album in 2010. Normally things get better with age, this is not the case with NELSON. The only thing that has changed is the length of their hair and the size of their waistlines.
For all these reasons and more, I would like to submit NELSON for a trip to Abu Dhabi.
-Cori
Every once in a while, a musician comes along that is so powerful, their name becomes bigger than music.
This is not one of those times, however. In fact, that's pretty impossible to do when nobody appears to know your name.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Ting Tings. Based out of the UK, the duo hit the mainstream music scene in 2008 with their debut album, We Started Nothing. It should be noted that according to Wikipedia (which is, of course, a wealth of important and highly accurate information), the album was officially released six days before it was leaked onto the Internet. They can't even get the proper order of "leak then release" correct.
Apparently, in their debut single "That's Not My Name," our lead singer has an issue where people seemingly forget her name all the time. They attempt to address her in a number of ways, including "Stacey," "Jane," and even names that aren't actually names like "hell" and "her."
What is her name, you may ask? That's the problem - she never actually tells us! Instead of identifying herself, she just tells us that everyone has guessed incorrectly, saying "that's not my name" over...and over...and over...AND OVER AGAIN. If you want us to call you by the right name, shouldn't you at least tell us what that name is? It seems pretty counterproductive if you ask me.
Others have tried this method of people not knowing who an artist is in the past, and believe it or not, it has not helped to get their name out there:
These days, nobody wants to know who Jimmy Ray is (though, in all fairness, it can be debated if anyone wanted to know then, either). Sadly, The Ting Tings have not followed Jimmy Ray down to the road to obscurity, as they are scheduled to have a new album released later this month.
Ironically enough, it currently doesn't have a name.
Hello everyone, and welcome to another hateful/fun-filled installment of "Box to Abu Dhabi," where my dear friends (and myself in this case) came across people and things that need to be packed up in a box, and sent to Abu Dhabi never to return. If it were only true. So in this case, I would like to apologize in advance to that country for what I'm about to postmark.
I'm warning you now: this video is going to take away three minutes of your life you'll never get back. So it's up to me to do you all a favor and tear it a new asshole, bundle it up, and have U.S. Soccer player Landon Donovan to boot the fucking thing into a void of no return....Here it is:
::In my best dracula voice:: Bahahahahaha!!! Good evening boys and ghouls! Welcome to Mount Suck-ulah!! Be afraid, be very afraid...or mildly disgusted, that's your choice. The 2nd one would most likely be more of your mortal reaction. I'm not home at the current time but my cracked out mistress will be sure to show you around!! hahahahaha!! :end dracula impression::
If you watched this and your first reaction was "What the fuck did I just watch?", you are not alone. You may have seen clips of this horror of this trainwreck on an episode of Beavis and Butt-Head, but I'm here to show you this abomination in its entirety. Let's start from the beginning. We see a skull "mountain" and some 80s-esque strobe lights that would give someone a seizure and special effects that your local high school A/V department can whip up in a matter of minutes. The camera fades into a cob-webbed cave scene that even any low grade halloween supplies company would get pissed off about. You then see a man that basically looks like he's just been shitcanned by a gang of fire extinguishers and seems to be threatened by the director at gun point not to move on set. Wait..what's this...It's Wonder Woman!.....on....crack? This is starting to look very bad. Who the hell is this? Someone named Nina Hagen? Huh? This broad comes staggering on set to sing a song about a guy named Herman? Herman Munster? Nah, just that douche covered in white. I'm thinking she's singing/puking in German? Maybe? ahh fuck it, who cares. She has a Wonder Woman head band on and wearing make-up that resembles the world renknowned "I like Turtles!" kid. If you need a visual of what this kid looks like, here's an idea.
Her Son? Maybe they'e related? Anyway, then the rest of her costume just doesn't work. Yo bitch, where'd you get that cape? A KISS convention? Gene Simmons wants his cape back! How dare you insult the God of Thunder! Blasphemy!!! I'm not fluent in German, but just by her "singing" it sounds like she's getting a fist shoved down her throat leaving her groaning and gasping for air. A muzzle and a foot up the ass would have sufficed...or the destruction of this video shoot in general. And good god, look at those armpits! Get a weedwacker in there. Just a heads up ladies - not shaving your armpits does not enhance your look of evil, it just looks gross. Then if the video couldn't get any stranger, here comes more breathtaking visuals. Druggie's face is in the skull and she is talking in a robotic voice. Hmm...I am either speechless, angry or confused. I'm not sure yet. They fade back into Madame Shitstorm's Cave of Fail where now she appears to be having an old fashioned pro wrestling "Test of Strength" with the guy still standing there covered in cob webs most likely bought from Party City. It suddenly starts to look like she starts coming down from her drug high as she starts getting confused and running around....Aaaaaargh this needs to end...ok..some keyboards(?)...a shitty guitar solo..one more special effect which I'm sure went over the budget aaaaand...it's finally over. And if you look to the top right at the end of your screen it says "Treatment clinic" on top of the doorway. A Methadone one I hope for this lady's sake.
The moral of this story is, crack and cocaine are bad...so is sucking. You put them together, and whoa...just..no...horrible.
Off to Abu Dhabi with you. Donovan kicks, he scoooores! GOOAAALLL!
Welp, that's all I got for now. Thanks to my friends for letting me in on a blog on this wonderful website. And for the rest of you I hope you enjoyed my little insert. In the meantime, stay thirsty my friends!
At the turn of the century, the music industry was exploding with boy bands. N’Sync, and Backstreet Boys were kings of the mountain, and of course, other people see the money flowing and try to capitalize on the excesses. Lou Pearlman, god of the corporately fabricated “artists” ( see N’Sync), decided to bring his method of hand-picking individuals for a group into the forefront of American consciousness by launching a show that aired on ABC entitled “Making the Band.” The first season showcased selection and “talent” of the individuals of the pop group. Yes, you read that correctly: The First Season. This show went on to complete a total of three seasons, all about O-Town.
After the first season, they were signed to Clive Davis’ J-Records, and with help from the popularity of the television show, their first album, “O-Town” sold over two million copies. Their single, “Liquid Dreams” (saved for another post down the road) reached #10 on the Billboard Hot 100. As with most “boy bands,” the end came when they decided to show that they were “true” artists. The success of the first album granted them more artistic freedom to write and produce their own songs. The album was eventually released but the moderate reception led to the emancipation of O-Town from their record contract.
The song “We Fit Together”, off their debut album, showcased the talent of this corporate band and is what brings us together today. As the last single off their first album, this was meant to bridge the gap between albums. Although MTV.com lists this song as #4 on TRL: Top Boy Band Videos, this was not a strong enough song to save the band. The video showcases beach excesses and opens with a yacht tearing through the water while the guys stroll the beach. Speaking of the guys, what is up with the Marky Mark look-alike with dreads? Just to be clear, wearing a fedora with a doo rag and playing a guitar does not a musician make. I suppose he is the “bad boy” of the group.
Anyhow, out of all of those girls on the boat, why are they ALL attracted to one girl? What does that say for that girl? Apparently, she is the girl from Impanema. Where is Impanema you may ask? I have no clue. This typical song about a guy (or incidentally, guy’s) infatuation about a girl goes sour with not necessarily offensive, but just crudely, non-creative lyrics. “How many triple x dreams that’s been starring you?” “I wanna go ‘Knock, Knock’ our bodies to the beat?” I’m sure it worked on this one girl from Impanema. It ends with the refrain of “I wanna go all night, can I go inside.” I do believe that that line does not need explanation but is posted here to show the rudimentary lyrics presented.
Submitted for you approval, O-Town’s “We Fit Together” will be boxed, taped, locked, and shipped to Abu Dhabi.
