Hipster Space Whores: Where Canada went wrong.

Hey guess who's back? Your buddy Irish Kev with an axe, sack and a spade to verbally bury my next victim on this fun addition to the Box to Abu Dhabi. Where do I begin? Ah, yes! Okay granted I'm a bitter son of a bitch when it comes to my hatred for music popping up these days. Well this one caught my eye and it was brought to my attention by my dear friend (and Box to Abhu Dhabi creator) Matt, that I should obliterate this gem and send it back in pieces. So I'm on youtube the other day and this video popped up in the featured section. So I said to myself "this is probably going to be bad, but I'd love to see what the kids are listening to these days". And so it began. A dangerous depth-defying leap into a hideous cavern of "synth-pop" and most likely cocaine laced HIPSTER HORSESHIT! See for yourself. Do not look up this band's info, make it fun for yourself and try to figure out who's in the group, or what the deal is as a whole. Good luck and I'm so sorry.

Don't panic. I know how you feel right now.

If you are drinking any alcoholic beverages or doing anything else recreational to calm the nerves (hopefully not), I'm sorry because this probably just killed any buzz you may have acquired in the last hour or so. Okay then here's what I'm going to ask the readers at this point. How many times did you bring up questions like "Why?", "What the fuck did I just watch?" and statements such as "I don't get it." If you did these, then congratulations, you have just been inducted into the masses of the world that watched this video, heard this song and said the same exact thing! Yikes. Where do I start? So many questions, that all can't fit in my head at once! Let the burying begin. The video opens up and there's so many unanswered questions that lie ahead. It takes you to a desert with some questionable whores in a beat up car. They have their head lights on shining them at this blonde chick who looks like she has no clue where she is, obviously voluntarily drugged. This obnoxious noise in the beginning I believe can attract an alien life form (of which you will actually see once the song starts up). It sure worked in "Close encounters of the 3rd Kind". Only difference is these sounds would probably anger some and make them want to wage war on the human race. I really don't blame them in this case. Speaking of aliens, what in God's name is this thing with the pink dreads, and shiny armor? Looks like something straight out of the Heavy Metal animated movie minus the soundtrack including hits from Sammy Hagar. Whether "I can't drive 55" and other songs like that would make this viewing experience good or not is irrelevant at this point anyway. There's no turning back and I can't apologize enough. I also just read a comment underneath the video that just said "What the fuck is this?". EXACTLY! But this thing with the pink dreadlocks. Oh my god! There's an ocean, now they're swinging swords. What do swords have to do with anything? Oh I get it, they're murdering music and all good taste. No! Someone please stop these space whores from angering the aliens and music gods! They all have swords, and tipped flat brimmed hats. Oh snap, the hipster bitch mafia is in full effect folks so I hope you've got your decaf mocha's and the latest designer drugs ready. Now they show the blonde girl singing. Kids this is what it looks like when Baby Spice from the Spice Girls decides to lock herself in a room with a television, turns to doing drugs, then decides to watch too much anime. Any questions? Sure you do, you're still trying to figure what you've just watched! Oh no, I'm not done! Then you saw "Cocaine Spice" in a limo in the suburbs playing with a snake. God only hoped it was poisonous and bit her so she can stop making music. I guess we're not all that lucky. Now the alien woman is walking down the street eating a lollipop. Now there's MORE hipsters just hanging out in the background. You know the ones that most likely get drunk off of some unknown horrible liquor and thought it would be funny to show up at a local music venue during a hardcore or punk show and get their asses kicked, then talk shit to all of their friends the next day at the local hookah lounge. Now they are driving around in Daddy's new SUV they borrowed to shoot this video. Now more hipsters standing there dancing like idiots! I'm serious, as I write this, I'm watching this and getting legit pissed off! Honey please put down the road flare, you're going to hurt yourself. Wait, scratch that, hurt yourself. Please! Now she has a morning star. Who the fuck gave these people medieval weapons? Why are there more hipster women doing back flips? So many questions so little time. WHAT?!?!? Now she's holding a flaming sword? What is with the swords? Then the alien chick is standing next to our coked out friend, she's staring right at you! She just looked into your soul. She knows what she's doing is awful. I don't feel sorry for her and so help me God, you better not either! Now we have more running around with road flares. Okay I'm done with this video, it's over and I am very angry and disgusted. So here's where my rage continues. What's is this atrocity I just watched? Is this a person? Is this a group? Are they a group trying to rip off those "famous lesbians" from Tatu? Who let these things into a music studio? Who funded their music video? Why God why? I want answers! So I went on the "bathroom stall wall of the internet" aka Wikipedia and looked it up. Here are the painful facts. It's one person (the coked out looking Spice Girl), and she's from British Columbia, Canada. Makes sense as I'm sure there's nothing to do there other than listen to one of my favorite Canadian punk bands, D.O.A. Okay Grimes, so what the fuck, just go do that! But no you have to go do drugs, make no sense, and make horrible music. Good job for taking away a worthy musician's air time. Oh yeah, that's another fact, she sucks. I was told her style of music is "tween wave". More like Suck Wave! For the record to confirm her awful technique, I checked on another video she does and it's her dancing around in front of a blue screen with more hipster tool bags just sitting around hanging out. What a waste. With that said I think I buried this dumb bitch deep enough. Off to Abhu Dhabi you go where I'm sure there's lots of deserts to shoot more shitty videos at. No, you can't bring your Daddy's SUV with you either. At this point you'll listen to anything that will cleanse the head and ears. Repeat as needed. You should go do that now. Come to think of it, here's something GOOD that came out of British Columbia that's a little more tolerable and even enjoyable. D.O.A.! There's your prescription so now consider the doctor currently out of the office.

Peace In the Middle East

Irish Kev

It's music, not Claws N Paws.

Don't ask me where it started, who started it, or why it started, but for some reason, there was once a trend where techno music featured computer-animated animals. I have a feeling it had something to do with the success of the mid-2000s group Gorillaz, who were not people, but cartoons. That said, their songs were actually good compared to the nonsense we're about to send packing.

Abu Dhabi, meet Crazy Frog (who apparently, according to Wikipedia, started with the name The Annoying Thing - they should have kept the literal name so that you knew what to expect before you listened to them...though, in reality, would you expect anything good from an act called Crazy Frog? Wow, I'm rambling...). I have no idea who Crazy Frog is...or, at least, I don't know who the person that made the music is. The track is harmless enough, I suppose, so I'm not sure why it could not have just had a human representing it. That said, they're clever enough to sneak in the thought-provoking lyrics of "ribbit ribbit" to hammer home the fact that, yes, indeed, a FROG IS MAKING TECHNO MUSIC. I had to look long and hard for a video to actually post here, as videos from their official Vevo page (who gave these guys one of those?!?) is blocked in America by the page's uploaders. Much appreciated, guys!

Also, watching the video, I haven't quite figured out why this frog is supposed to be crazy.  He's not exactly in some crazy situation - unless you count a frog going fishing to be crazy.  He just looks kind of disgruntled, which isn't really crazy at all, and just makes me think of one thing:

Just like shirts where Tweety Bird is the epitome of attitude, Crazy Frog needs to hop on over to Abu Dhabi.

-Matt

Enough sexual innuendos for a whole R Kelly album

Disney may have owned the Cyrus family for a quite a while, but there was one member in particular it was very obvious that they didn't. Trace Cyrus, the singer and lead guitar player from Metro Station seemed to have no family values at all, which was made obvious in the 2008 song "Shake It." It starts out seeming like any other innuendo-filled teen pop song with the line

"I'll take you home if you don't leave me at the front door

Your body's cold, but girl, we're getting so warm"

Okay, so we are implying the intent for sex. I never thought it would go this far though. Not from a Cyrus.

"And I was thinking of ways that I could get inside."

Holy shit. 

The song then continues to ask what you would do when touched, and demands that everybody "Shake it." Apparently the young men of Metro Station get exactly what they were looking for, as the hero (?) and herione (?) of this song are now in the bed, but their clothes are lying "right there."  

The worst part is that this song hit double platinum by the end of January 2009 and actually hit #10 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. 

No. The worst part is that the song is so damn catchy. But don't let it's fun beats fool you, Abu Dhabi, you'll be wishing we had never sent this one over. 

- Rebecca

Disney isn't far enough away to send this one.

Even though I'm a Giants fan, I can't help but blame Phil Simms, at least a little, for what we're about to have to endure.

Just after the Giants won Super Bowl XXI, Simms made his proclamation that the only way to celebrate his new ring was to head to Disney (pending the $75,000 they paid him to say it).  He was the first to do this, and started a long tradition of Super Bowl winners who were going to head to Florida and/or California to relax after a hard-fought victory. 

That said, it was meant to be an advertising vehicle for the parks, not the basis for a horrible song.

Back in 1992 (if the video didn't give that away), Dada decided to set the vacation industry back about 300 years by releasing "Dizz Knee Land," where they discuss a number of things that aren't exactly epic...or noteworthy...or particularly good...and how they're going to go to Dis...err...(damn copyrights)...DIZZ KNEE LAND to celebrate.  Seriously, they talk about flipping off the President (how edgy!), drinking gin, and getting arrested, and saying that's a reason to pack the car and go visit Mickey.

But wait - no, it's not about Disney at all.  No way.  In fact, to make sure that you know it has nothing to do with the park, Dada's bass player, Joie Calio, said this about the track in an interview:

"The song isn't about Disneyland at all. It's not about Disneyland. It... has nothing to do with Disneyland, actually. It has more to do with the craziness of the juxtaposition of the state of your every day. Just looking around you. You could see a guy's head being chopped off and, you know, a leg flying away and someone embracing someone in a lovely kiss and then flip the channel and then a chainsaw goes buzzing through, you know, some butter and it accidentally cuts your mom's head off and then you flip again and they're making love and then you flip again and it's (Joe) Montana going 'I'm going to Disneyland.' You know, it's just that whole thing, how insane it is, but you know, it's just the natural state. I don't think we're making a, we're not pointing our fingers. We're just... it just is, and we're just singin' it."

Umm...what??? So basically, the first thing they want you to think of when you think of Disney is someone being decapitated.  Yeah, that's cheery.  Who wants to ride Space Mountain???

No, Ric, no one called for you.

To make matters worse, the video has random objects flying across the screen for no discernable reason (what do that fish or the troll dolls have to do with anything?!?), and the band looks like every stereotype from 1992 that you could possibly have.  Flannel?  Check.  Longish hair?  Check.  Backwards baseball cap?  Check.

I just heard this song for the first time three weeks ago, but now I wish I could go back and erase it from my memory forever.  Abu Dhabi, please take this one away and keep it for a permanent vacation.  Just don't let it on any amusement park rides - it doesn't deserve it.

-Matt



We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Ah, yes. Do you remember the late 90’s? If you were alive during that time and flipped on the radio, you would’ve been treated with what has been labeled “rapcore.” With the many failings of that name aside, this nu-metal movement birthed many of future box participants. The most offensive of these groups originated in Jacksonville, Florida named Limp Bizkit. Fred Durst, the infamous frontman of this group, came up with the name saying, “The name is there to turn people's heads away. A lot of people pick up the disc and go, 'Limp Bizkit. Oh, they must suck.' Those are the people that we don't even want listening to our music." Well, Fred,

He’s loving it.

The song that I am shipping into the desert on this Sunday night was the anthem of 2001. Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle) was featured on the aptly named “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” and went to the top of the charts, and MTV’s TRL. Ah, TRL you will be written about in the future. The theme of Rollin’(Air Raid Vehicle) consists of childish banter of Limp Bizkit being better than another band or someone else. I’m not sure which. But I know I need to get some better beats, and uh, get some better rhymes - D’oh!. Maybe one day I will strive for better beats and rhymes. Interesting fact: The shots in the video of the band performing on a rooftop were shot on the south tower of the World Trade Center. Now, I could make a comment about pushing the date of the video shoot to a more convenient day, but it may still be "too soon" to make 9-11 jokes. Instead, I'll just leave this here:

For those of you who are with me, play this game I've linked below: "Kill Fred Durst. Hopefully, the link works.






Kill Fred Durst

Oh yeah, here's the video:

-Todd

One, Two Straight in the Kisser!

Hello faithful readers! I bring to you my latest shipment to Abu Dhabi – Chris Brown; the woman beating, lip-synching, arrogant bastard extraordinaire.

As, I’m assuming all of you know, Chris Brown is a R&B artist that is most notably known for his dancing abilities, his singing abilities and his face bashing abilities. He has had such memorable songs as “Run It”, “Kiss, Kiss” and “No Air”. All of which are heavily auto tuned, produced and show little to his actual music abilities. I will give Chris credit for his dancing abilities, he is by far one of the most talented dancers I’ve ever seen – and I’ve seen the Jabbawokeez live and in person.

The main reason I feel that Mr. Brown should be sent to Abu Dhabi stems from his 2008 domestic abuse case in which (for lack of a better term) beat Rhianna’s face in. As far as my knowledge, Chris has never fully accepted responsibility for his actions other than releasing a statement immediately following the incident and releasing a YouTube video apologizing. The statement read “Words cannot express how sorry and saddened I am over what happened.”

First of all, your publicist dream team probably wrote your statement and you probably didn’t even proof read it. Second of all, A YOUTUBE VIDEO!?  That’s about as meaningful as sending a VHS to apologize in 1995. Man up and apologize live, not in front of a flip cam reading what someone else wrote for you to say.

After I wrote this, I discovered that Mr. Brown did go on Larry King and apologize and made a bunch of excuses about his childhood being abusive.  As a professional, I do know that if you are abused as a child you are more likely to repeat the action later in life – however, it doesn’t make it okay.

Let’s fast forward from 2009 to 2011 during an interview were the assault was brought up to Mr. Brown. He stormed off stage, trashed a dressing room and broke a window.  Well, that’s showing you’ve learned to deal with your anger issues. People are going to question you on this for the rest of your career – get used to it.

Personally, in my world, there is no excuse for beating a person (man or woman) to the point that they require hospitalization. It’s one of the most inexcusable acts a person can commit and when it is committed against a person you supposedly love – its past inexcusable, it’s downright disgusting. I cannot image becoming a fan of this man after this all transpired, it’s basically supporting domestic violence.

As One Republic would say, "It's too late to 'pologize". 

-Ashley

**The views expressed in this post are the views of the author (and all sensible human beings**

This Is Life

Allow me to introduce you to Gabriela and Monica Irimia, twin sisters from Romania, better know as The Cheeky Girls. At the height of their fame between 2002 and 2004 they had 4 top ten hits in the UK. I wouldn't exactly call them hits but, hey I guess the UK has a twisted taste in music. They were best know for this debacle.

I am not sure how "Touch my  bum, this is life', makes any sense or gets you a top hit.... BUT HEY.

Since then it has been nothing but a fast decline with major money issues, charges of shoplifting and an appearance on Britain's Got Talent. They did try to make a come back with a Cheeky Girls make-up line aimed at teens but, let's be honest, these two shouldn't be marketing anything towards young people. So lets pack them up for good before anymore damage is done!