Queen of the "D"

            Once many years ago I was a little girl lost in the dark underworld of being a lonely goth ( who weirdly enough was surrounded by goth friends, so not so lonely, maybe?) So I lived my life on the darker side, my baggy pants made me look like a short round, and my burgundy hair didn't look that great but damn it I knew what I loved and that was METAL.  Nu Metal to be more specific, I know, I know, its barely metal, but I was alone on this journey of musical discovery, with only Korn and Linkin Park to guide me.
            During this time period in my life a little movie called Queen of the Damned came out, loosely based on the Anne Rice novel.  I ate that up with a fucking spoon, I loved that movie, bought the poster, had the soundtrack, it could do no wrong.  I watched it literally hundreds of times and endlessly played the sound track. Which was essentially Korn, Linkin Park, Manson, Papa Roach thrown in for good measure. So I didn't give this movie much thought for a long time after reaching adulthood.  I would occasionally pop the soundtrack in and just let it go, but I guess never really paid attention to it. 
             About one month ago I watched the movie, alone, and it fucking sucked, bad. Like real bad. To sum it up, Lestat is not the bad ass I know and love from interview with a vampire, hes a whiny bitch.  Crying about living forever, being alone, and all the while being a Rock Star.  I guess he's bummed because unlike Twilight vampires, he can't have sex?  So he writes all these songs, plays them with a shitty band, meets a girl, with no character basis except that she likes him? I guess.  There is a weird subplot with her that makes no fucking sense because its jumbled from book to movie. (who is meant to be replaced with any goth girl in the world, this explained why I loved the movie, because what good goth girl doesn't want to walk into the eternal night with a Vampire LUV) Vampires want to kill him because he is a narc, So any way they beat the bad Queen, he makes her vampire and the walk into the night to a progressive ballad.
               So after realizing what a poor showing the movie is I decided tonight to listen to the soundtrack, wow, its like its just trying so hard!

Oh yeah there was actual bizarre music videos in the movie, here are some lyrics, if the video is too much for you.

I'm over it
You see I'm falling in the vast abyss
Clouded by memories of the past
At last, I see ....
We fear them finding
Always whining
Take my hand now
Be alive...
You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you...
Must we hide from everyone?

This song in particular is about being a vampire, being alone, and having to hide who you really are.
Sounds like a bummer right?
See the parallel?



The whole sound track is pretty much like that.
Its lame.  So Abu Dhabi, I give you the gift that keeps on giving , The Queen of the Damned Soundtrack, with original songs like Slept so long (this one was my fave ha-ha), Forsaken, Redeemer, System and including Dead Cell and Down With the Sickness, how could it not be!?  I can't say I won't ask for it back from time to time when I want to relive my youth or if I am on a really long solo road trip, apart from those two situations I never want to hear this crap again!. Deuces!-Ang

The most inappropriately titled song ever.

Around this time every year, I decide to be a glutton for punishment and take a look at the lineup for Warped Tour. You'd think I would have learned my lesson after the Brokencyde Incident of 2011, but sadly, that was not the case on this chilly, dreary Sunday morning in NEPA.

Now before we get started, let me make one thing clear - I know that it's not 2000 anymore, and that Warped Tour now offers a wider variety of music to a more diverse listening audience. It's not "punk rock" anymore (whatever that even means). Instead, it features everything from hardcore to metal-ish stuff to hip hop to dubstep (don't even get me started on THAT) to yes, occasionally, a little bit of punk.

No, seriously, only a little. Goldfinger is on the tour this year for eight days.

With that said, I can't even begin to excuse what you're about to watch being involved in Warped Tour.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you "BEST SONG EVERRR" by Wallpaper.. No, the double punctuation at the end of the sentence is not a typo - Wallpaper. is apparently a complete sentence. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about proper grammar and punctuation, but turning your "band" name into a one-word sentence is hardly the BEST PUNCTUATION EVERRR.

That's not the most ridiculous thing happening here though, as the song does a pretty good job at being the BEST RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE SONG EVERRR. The video begins as Wallpaper. (I guess that's his proper name?) appears out of nowhere, materializing out of confetti in what he would surely call the BEST CONCEPTION EVERRR. Wallpaper. makes his way through the party, and is clearly cast as the guy no one wants there as the other party guests get more and more annoyed as he goes along. I'm glad to see that my sentiments are shared by others.

So the song progresses, going on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how all of the people around are the BEST PEOPLE EVERRR, and how his Spanish-speaking skills are not the BEST SPANISH-SPEAKING SKILLS EVERRR, but it never does realize its potential as the BEST SONG EVERRR as Wallpaper. predicts. This song, to me, is like what would happen if LMFAO and Asher Roth had a baby, and while the confetti conception earlier was the BEST CONCEPTION EVERRR, this one would not share the same fate.

As the song progresses, the other partygoers start to accept Wallpaper. and start to dance and sing with him. Of course, accepting bad things into your life comes with negative consequences, and by the end of the song, the other guests are now vomiting confetti. I'll admit - towards the end of the song, I wanted to vomit too, but I don't think confetti would have been what was coming out if I did. The video ends in the BEST WAY EVERRR (if it were reality), as the whole thing just explodes back into confetti and disappears.

Well, maybe exploding into confetti isn't the most ideal solution here, but the explosion part works for me.

My message to the organizers of Warped Tour - peel the Wallpaper. off the set list and get back to the good music.

Was that the BEST JOKE EVERRR? Absolutely not, but it's still better than what we all just listened to. Off to Abu Dhabi you go!

-Matt

I Heard the Bells

When I first came across Sleigh Bells, it was during their Saturday Night Live performance. Actually, it was before they started performing and I saw this image of them.

Now, I like being introduced to new music and I love tough front women. So when I saw this image, I foolishly got a little excited. I mean, they look bad ass, Ponyboy from Outsiders bad ass. I know, I know. You are not suppose to judge a book by its cover. But I guess I have some shallow tendencies and in my defense this book was advertising falsely.

And let me just give everyone a little piece of advice here, dressing like a tough kid when you are not is one of the leading causes of getting your ass kicked by an actual tough kid. Just sayin'. 

This is what I thought Sleigh Bells might sound like based on appearance.

I had prepared myself to hear something rocking, in the vein of The Distillers or Walls of Jericho. Hell, I would have even settled for something that sounded like Pink, because her music might not be the toughest or rawest sounding thing but, I will admit, that lady scares the shit out of me.

This is what Alexis of Sleigh Bells actually sounds like.

ANYWAY, when they finally started to perform the sound that came out of Alexis was more akin to a Power Puff Girl. Now don't get me wrong, there are times when the music definitely has some bite to it. The guitarist was in Poison the Well prior to 2003, so maybe that has something to do with it. But over all, I felt like I was tricked into thinking I was going to hear something punk, rock, or hardcore and instead I got some strange mix of electronic, new wave, noise and disappointment. You can hear what I mean for yourself...

So boys & girls, I submit Sleigh Bells for consideration to be shipped off to Abu Dhabi on the basis of major let down and false advertising.

-Cori

These people have a strange sense of humor.

To most people, this song seems innocent enough. In fact, most people really do enjoy this song, even if it did wind up on Songza's 100 Worst Songs Ever playlist. That's where Ashley, Irish Kev and I found it last weekend as we drove through New Jersey, and I found myself having to explain the story of the song to them. It turns out that most people don't actually know what this one is about, and as I explained it, I came to the conclusion that this one belonged in the desert permanently. I mean, they do want to escape and all.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Pina Colada song! You know, the one where Rupert Holmes likes pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain? That's what most people know the song for - I mean, it's understandable, as it's the chorus and it's kinda catchy. What people tend to miss is the verses, which luckily for you, the reader, I have time to summarize for you:

So Holmes, as the narrator, is bored with his girlfriend/wife/significant other. He finds himself reading the newspaper one night while in bed with "his lady," and is drawn to a personal ad, written by a woman who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, along with other generic personal ad things. The woman advises anyone interested to write to her and escape.

Holmes, tired of "the same old, dull routine," decides to respond directly to the ad (in record time, a trend that will continue throughout the song), saying that he does indeed joy pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. While writing, he decides that he clearly can't handle his current situation anymore, and plans a meeting time for himself and the mystery woman to escape.

The next day (again, the turn-around time is amazing in this song), our narrator heads off to the assigned meeting place of O'Malley's, and waits for his apparent new love to arrive. When she finally does, Holmes is surprised to find that it is, indeed, his current lady. The song has a happy ending, where the couple discovers new things about each other and has a good laugh over the whole thing.

Let's wait just one second here. You mean to tell me that these people were about to run off on each other, but because it was the other that they were writing to, it's OK? Absolutely not! There are some MAJOR trust issues that this couple needs to look into, and while, yes, it's nice they are learning new things about each other, they may want to learn them about someone else. I know that if I were in the same situation, I'd be asking a lot of questions, and I'm pretty sure any other sane person would do the same.

Also, when the Village People are the least-absurd looking people in a video, you've really accomplished something. Nice shirt, tie, and jacket combination, Rupert.

This behavior may work a lot better in Abu Dhabi, so off you go. Good luck getting caught in the rain, though.

-Matt

Hipster Space Whores: Where Canada went wrong.

Hey guess who's back? Your buddy Irish Kev with an axe, sack and a spade to verbally bury my next victim on this fun addition to the Box to Abu Dhabi. Where do I begin? Ah, yes! Okay granted I'm a bitter son of a bitch when it comes to my hatred for music popping up these days. Well this one caught my eye and it was brought to my attention by my dear friend (and Box to Abhu Dhabi creator) Matt, that I should obliterate this gem and send it back in pieces. So I'm on youtube the other day and this video popped up in the featured section. So I said to myself "this is probably going to be bad, but I'd love to see what the kids are listening to these days". And so it began. A dangerous depth-defying leap into a hideous cavern of "synth-pop" and most likely cocaine laced HIPSTER HORSESHIT! See for yourself. Do not look up this band's info, make it fun for yourself and try to figure out who's in the group, or what the deal is as a whole. Good luck and I'm so sorry.

Don't panic. I know how you feel right now.

If you are drinking any alcoholic beverages or doing anything else recreational to calm the nerves (hopefully not), I'm sorry because this probably just killed any buzz you may have acquired in the last hour or so. Okay then here's what I'm going to ask the readers at this point. How many times did you bring up questions like "Why?", "What the fuck did I just watch?" and statements such as "I don't get it." If you did these, then congratulations, you have just been inducted into the masses of the world that watched this video, heard this song and said the same exact thing! Yikes. Where do I start? So many questions, that all can't fit in my head at once! Let the burying begin. The video opens up and there's so many unanswered questions that lie ahead. It takes you to a desert with some questionable whores in a beat up car. They have their head lights on shining them at this blonde chick who looks like she has no clue where she is, obviously voluntarily drugged. This obnoxious noise in the beginning I believe can attract an alien life form (of which you will actually see once the song starts up). It sure worked in "Close encounters of the 3rd Kind". Only difference is these sounds would probably anger some and make them want to wage war on the human race. I really don't blame them in this case. Speaking of aliens, what in God's name is this thing with the pink dreads, and shiny armor? Looks like something straight out of the Heavy Metal animated movie minus the soundtrack including hits from Sammy Hagar. Whether "I can't drive 55" and other songs like that would make this viewing experience good or not is irrelevant at this point anyway. There's no turning back and I can't apologize enough. I also just read a comment underneath the video that just said "What the fuck is this?". EXACTLY! But this thing with the pink dreadlocks. Oh my god! There's an ocean, now they're swinging swords. What do swords have to do with anything? Oh I get it, they're murdering music and all good taste. No! Someone please stop these space whores from angering the aliens and music gods! They all have swords, and tipped flat brimmed hats. Oh snap, the hipster bitch mafia is in full effect folks so I hope you've got your decaf mocha's and the latest designer drugs ready. Now they show the blonde girl singing. Kids this is what it looks like when Baby Spice from the Spice Girls decides to lock herself in a room with a television, turns to doing drugs, then decides to watch too much anime. Any questions? Sure you do, you're still trying to figure what you've just watched! Oh no, I'm not done! Then you saw "Cocaine Spice" in a limo in the suburbs playing with a snake. God only hoped it was poisonous and bit her so she can stop making music. I guess we're not all that lucky. Now the alien woman is walking down the street eating a lollipop. Now there's MORE hipsters just hanging out in the background. You know the ones that most likely get drunk off of some unknown horrible liquor and thought it would be funny to show up at a local music venue during a hardcore or punk show and get their asses kicked, then talk shit to all of their friends the next day at the local hookah lounge. Now they are driving around in Daddy's new SUV they borrowed to shoot this video. Now more hipsters standing there dancing like idiots! I'm serious, as I write this, I'm watching this and getting legit pissed off! Honey please put down the road flare, you're going to hurt yourself. Wait, scratch that, hurt yourself. Please! Now she has a morning star. Who the fuck gave these people medieval weapons? Why are there more hipster women doing back flips? So many questions so little time. WHAT?!?!? Now she's holding a flaming sword? What is with the swords? Then the alien chick is standing next to our coked out friend, she's staring right at you! She just looked into your soul. She knows what she's doing is awful. I don't feel sorry for her and so help me God, you better not either! Now we have more running around with road flares. Okay I'm done with this video, it's over and I am very angry and disgusted. So here's where my rage continues. What's is this atrocity I just watched? Is this a person? Is this a group? Are they a group trying to rip off those "famous lesbians" from Tatu? Who let these things into a music studio? Who funded their music video? Why God why? I want answers! So I went on the "bathroom stall wall of the internet" aka Wikipedia and looked it up. Here are the painful facts. It's one person (the coked out looking Spice Girl), and she's from British Columbia, Canada. Makes sense as I'm sure there's nothing to do there other than listen to one of my favorite Canadian punk bands, D.O.A. Okay Grimes, so what the fuck, just go do that! But no you have to go do drugs, make no sense, and make horrible music. Good job for taking away a worthy musician's air time. Oh yeah, that's another fact, she sucks. I was told her style of music is "tween wave". More like Suck Wave! For the record to confirm her awful technique, I checked on another video she does and it's her dancing around in front of a blue screen with more hipster tool bags just sitting around hanging out. What a waste. With that said I think I buried this dumb bitch deep enough. Off to Abhu Dhabi you go where I'm sure there's lots of deserts to shoot more shitty videos at. No, you can't bring your Daddy's SUV with you either. At this point you'll listen to anything that will cleanse the head and ears. Repeat as needed. You should go do that now. Come to think of it, here's something GOOD that came out of British Columbia that's a little more tolerable and even enjoyable. D.O.A.! There's your prescription so now consider the doctor currently out of the office.

Peace In the Middle East

Irish Kev

It's music, not Claws N Paws.

Don't ask me where it started, who started it, or why it started, but for some reason, there was once a trend where techno music featured computer-animated animals. I have a feeling it had something to do with the success of the mid-2000s group Gorillaz, who were not people, but cartoons. That said, their songs were actually good compared to the nonsense we're about to send packing.

Abu Dhabi, meet Crazy Frog (who apparently, according to Wikipedia, started with the name The Annoying Thing - they should have kept the literal name so that you knew what to expect before you listened to them...though, in reality, would you expect anything good from an act called Crazy Frog? Wow, I'm rambling...). I have no idea who Crazy Frog is...or, at least, I don't know who the person that made the music is. The track is harmless enough, I suppose, so I'm not sure why it could not have just had a human representing it. That said, they're clever enough to sneak in the thought-provoking lyrics of "ribbit ribbit" to hammer home the fact that, yes, indeed, a FROG IS MAKING TECHNO MUSIC. I had to look long and hard for a video to actually post here, as videos from their official Vevo page (who gave these guys one of those?!?) is blocked in America by the page's uploaders. Much appreciated, guys!

Also, watching the video, I haven't quite figured out why this frog is supposed to be crazy.  He's not exactly in some crazy situation - unless you count a frog going fishing to be crazy.  He just looks kind of disgruntled, which isn't really crazy at all, and just makes me think of one thing:

Just like shirts where Tweety Bird is the epitome of attitude, Crazy Frog needs to hop on over to Abu Dhabi.

-Matt

Enough sexual innuendos for a whole R Kelly album

Disney may have owned the Cyrus family for a quite a while, but there was one member in particular it was very obvious that they didn't. Trace Cyrus, the singer and lead guitar player from Metro Station seemed to have no family values at all, which was made obvious in the 2008 song "Shake It." It starts out seeming like any other innuendo-filled teen pop song with the line

"I'll take you home if you don't leave me at the front door

Your body's cold, but girl, we're getting so warm"

Okay, so we are implying the intent for sex. I never thought it would go this far though. Not from a Cyrus.

"And I was thinking of ways that I could get inside."

Holy shit. 

The song then continues to ask what you would do when touched, and demands that everybody "Shake it." Apparently the young men of Metro Station get exactly what they were looking for, as the hero (?) and herione (?) of this song are now in the bed, but their clothes are lying "right there."  

The worst part is that this song hit double platinum by the end of January 2009 and actually hit #10 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. 

No. The worst part is that the song is so damn catchy. But don't let it's fun beats fool you, Abu Dhabi, you'll be wishing we had never sent this one over. 

- Rebecca