Showing posts with label Box to Abu Dhabi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Box to Abu Dhabi. Show all posts

Friday, February 24, 2012

One, Two Straight in the Kisser!


Hello faithful readers! I bring to you my latest shipment to Abu Dhabi – Chris Brown; the woman beating, lip-synching, arrogant bastard extraordinaire.


As, I’m assuming all of you know, Chris Brown is a R&B artist that is most notably known for his dancing abilities, his singing abilities and his face bashing abilities. He has had such memorable songs as “Run It”, “Kiss, Kiss” and “No Air”. All of which are heavily auto tuned, produced and show little to his actual music abilities. I will give Chris credit for his dancing abilities, he is by far one of the most talented dancers I’ve ever seen – and I’ve seen the Jabbawokeez live and in person.

The main reason I feel that Mr. Brown should be sent to Abu Dhabi stems from his 2008 domestic abuse case in which (for lack of a better term) beat Rhianna’s face in. As far as my knowledge, Chris has never fully accepted responsibility for his actions other than releasing a statement immediately following the incident and releasing a YouTube video apologizing. The statement read “Words cannot express how sorry and saddened I am over what happened.”

First of all, your publicist dream team probably wrote your statement and you probably didn’t even proof read it. Second of all, A YOUTUBE VIDEO!?  That’s about as meaningful as sending a VHS to apologize in 1995. Man up and apologize live, not in front of a flip cam reading what someone else wrote for you to say.

After I wrote this, I discovered that Mr. Brown did go on Larry King and apologize and made a bunch of excuses about his childhood being abusive.  As a professional, I do know that if you are abused as a child you are more likely to repeat the action later in life – however, it doesn’t make it okay.

Let’s fast forward from 2009 to 2011 during an interview were the assault was brought up to Mr. Brown. He stormed off stage, trashed a dressing room and broke a window.  Well, that’s showing you’ve learned to deal with your anger issues. People are going to question you on this for the rest of your career – get used to it.

Personally, in my world, there is no excuse for beating a person (man or woman) to the point that they require hospitalization. It’s one of the most inexcusable acts a person can commit and when it is committed against a person you supposedly love – its past inexcusable, it’s downright disgusting. I cannot image becoming a fan of this man after this all transpired, it’s basically supporting domestic violence.

As One Republic would say, "It's too late to 'pologize". 

-Ashley

**The views expressed in this post are the views of the author (and all sensible human beings**

Monday, August 15, 2011

Wonder Woman: German, likes drugs, and is mother of zombie turtle boy?

Hello everyone, and welcome to another hateful/fun-filled installment of "Box to Abu Dhabi," where my dear friends (and myself in this case) came across people and things that need to be packed up in a box, and sent to Abu Dhabi never to return. If it were only true. So in this case, I would like to apologize in advance to that country for what I'm about to postmark.


I'm warning you now: this video is going to take away three minutes of your life you'll never get back. So it's up to me to do you all a favor and tear it a new asshole, bundle it up, and have U.S. Soccer player Landon Donovan to boot the fucking thing into a void of no return....Here it is:



::In my best dracula voice:: Bahahahahaha!!! Good evening boys and ghouls! Welcome to Mount Suck-ulah!! Be afraid, be very afraid...or mildly disgusted, that's your choice. The 2nd one would most likely be more of your mortal reaction. I'm not home at the current time but my cracked out mistress will be sure to show you around!! hahahahaha!! :end dracula impression::

If you watched this and your first reaction was "What the fuck did I just watch?", you are not alone. You may have seen clips of this horror of this trainwreck on an episode of Beavis and Butt-Head, but I'm here to show you this abomination in its entirety. Let's start from the beginning. We see a skull "mountain" and some 80s-esque strobe lights that would give someone a seizure and special effects that your local high school A/V department can whip up in a matter of minutes. The camera fades into a cob-webbed cave scene that even any low grade halloween supplies company would get pissed off about. You then see a man that basically looks like he's just been shitcanned by a gang of fire extinguishers and seems to be threatened by the director at gun point not to move on set. Wait..what's this...It's Wonder Woman!.....on....crack? This is starting to look very bad. Who the hell is this? Someone named Nina Hagen? Huh? This broad comes staggering on set to sing a song about a guy named Herman? Herman Munster? Nah, just that douche covered in white. I'm thinking she's singing/puking in German? Maybe? ahh fuck it, who cares. She has a Wonder Woman head band on and wearing make-up that resembles the world renknowned "I like Turtles!" kid. If you need a visual of what this kid looks like, here's an idea.



Her Son? Maybe they'e related? Anyway, then the rest of her costume just doesn't work. Yo bitch, where'd you get that cape? A KISS convention? Gene Simmons wants his cape back! How dare you insult the God of Thunder! Blasphemy!!! I'm not fluent in German, but just by her "singing" it sounds like she's getting a fist shoved down her throat leaving her groaning and gasping for air. A muzzle and a foot up the ass would have sufficed...or the destruction of this video shoot in general. And good god, look at those armpits! Get a weedwacker in there. Just a heads up ladies - not shaving your armpits does not enhance your look of evil, it just looks gross. Then if the video couldn't get any stranger, here comes more breathtaking visuals. Druggie's face is in the skull and she is talking in a robotic voice. Hmm...I am either speechless, angry or confused. I'm not sure yet. They fade back into Madame Shitstorm's Cave of Fail where now she appears to be having an old fashioned pro wrestling "Test of Strength" with the guy still standing there covered in cob webs most likely bought from Party City. It suddenly starts to look like she starts coming down from her drug high as she starts getting confused and running around....Aaaaaargh this needs to end...ok..some keyboards(?)...a shitty guitar solo..one more special effect which I'm sure went over the budget aaaaand...it's finally over. And if you look to the top right at the end of your screen it says "Treatment clinic" on top of the doorway. A Methadone one I hope for this lady's sake.

The moral of this story is, crack and cocaine are bad...so is sucking. You put them together, and whoa...just..no...horrible.

Off to Abu Dhabi with you. Donovan kicks, he scoooores! GOOAAALLL!

Welp, that's all I got for now. Thanks to my friends for letting me in on a blog on this wonderful website. And for the rest of you I hope you enjoyed my little insert. In the meantime, stay thirsty my friends!

Irish Kev