The world is full of bad music, and it's about time that someone comes along to isolate it all to one location - Abu Dhabi. Meet nine NEPA 20-somethings concerned with the direction that music is going in, and are hoping to put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.
It's been a while since I've written one of these things - let's see if I can still bury some bad music.
I mean, it shouldn't be too hard - there's a ton of stuff that's come out since I've packed something away in the Box that should be shipped out, hopefully to never be heard from again. 2013 and 2014 have been a wealth of awful, so it was difficult to pick just one song that needed my immediate attention. Yet, through all the Kanyes and Avrils and songs about Air Jordans (which, trust me, someone on the staff will get to sooner or later), one sticks out like a bad Instagram post that you just can't look away from.
The name of the song is #SELFIE, and is by a group called The Chainsmokers, which I literally just learned right before writing this post. It appears that #CRACK is what they've been chainsmoking if they think this #MESS is any good. Here's the basic premise behind the song - this girl is #DRUNK, and is just rambling on and on and on about who knows what. None of the "lyrics" really seem to go together at any point - it's a huge disjointed #DISASTER of a song. The narrator (because I'm sure as hell not going to call her a singer) raises some very important questions in this song - for example, "What filter should I use?", "Jason just texted me - should I go home with him?", and the often-debated "Who goes out on Mondays?" Riveting stuff, I know.
What the song does teach me is this - the way to approach any situation, good or bad is to first take a #SELFIE. She doesn't mean just any #SELFIE, either - it has to be a #GOODSELFIE. In fact, ten likes in five minutes isn't good enough, as it's enough to make her considering taking it down and replacing it with another one. If at first you don't #SUCCEED, I guess...
I think my biggest concern with this song is that people like this must exist somewhere in this world. While I do keep myself informed on popular music (obviously, as I unfortunately know what this is), I tend not to put myself into situations where I may encounter whatever this type of person is. And I don't like the reminder.
With all that said, it's off to Abu Dhabi you go. And no, you can't take a #SELFIE first.
Hey Folks. Long time no read, eh? It's Irish Kev and I'm ready to bury a bitch. Well not physically but this next nominee for the box sure made it tempting.
Australia: the majestic outback. A land of danger, wonder, tough as nails inhabitants, and unfortunately some people who go out of their way to suck. Dammit, almost there. Let's talk about what the world loves or should love about the land down under before I turn your stomach.
This is Tim Cahill. A soccer legend for Australia. He played this year in the World Cup for the men's national Australian soccer team whom have single handedly won the respect and support of every country except the countries they were pitted against. He's also plays midfield for the New York Red Bulls, has the fastest goal in MLS history and respects the fans, not to mention visits children's hospitals on his off-time. Good dude!
And this! If you don't know who this is, don't read this fucking blog anymore.
There's a couple more, but you get the idea. There is awesome things that come out of Australia.
Then...
Then the bad. Massive Great White Shark population. I fucking hate sharks. Also home of the deadliest animals in the world. Poisonous reptiles and bugs, crocodiles, fuck I'm even pretty sure some of the plants can kill you. So you must be a bad ass to live there right? Not in ALL cases. What I'm about to show you is scarier than any deadly Australian animal
Readers of this blog, I bring you this abomination of society. It's name is Iggy Azalea. It's a chick. The only person that should be allowed to have that 1st name is the lead singer of The Stooges. Not this hoe. As a man with a pulse, I will say she's not ugly. But having looks doesn't mean you can't be a sucky, talentless, slutty human being and get away with it. Watch for yourself. Ugh...
She's so slutt-ay, you already know. If you didn't know, you're ass better call somebody (get the pun anyone? Anyway.). I'll be honest, I got to the part of the video where the singing chick says "Let's get drunk on the mini-bar". Which in reality of good taste is way too far and extremely risky. After getting the link to this video on YouTube, I quickly got out of the tab so my computer avoids viruses...or crabs....
Let's examine shall we. A rip off of the movie, Clueless. Stupid. I remember watching that movie with a girl I liked from high school, and I wanted to kill myself. If you've heard this song before the music video, I know for a fact you said "Great. A shitty collaboration between Missy Elliott and Gwen Stefani. Oh wait, it's two scrawny Australian and English chicks? Now I'm confused." The chick singer you just burned your ears with is Charlie XCX. She looks like the psychotic stalker character, Morello from "Orange is the New Black", she's not really a "star", her name looks like it should be a late 80's straightedge hardcore band and she's the drizzling shits. End of story. Let's talk about the main reason why I posted this blog. Iggy "let's see how much of a hoe who thinks she can rap I can be" Azalea. She's Australian which takes away a bit of the country's credibility. Come on Aussies, we have enough filth like that over here already, we could have took the hit for it and felt nothing for it at least. So anyway, this video, yeah pretty self explanatory. The lyrics are pretty much "I'm fancy in a dirty way, And terribly irresponsible. Apparently my rich parents aren't around, so I can call over other over-privileged cunt-wads for an underage drinking party so we can all look stupid together! By the way, I'm also ghetto fabulous." Lyrics also stating to get drunk off the mini bar is cheesy. 1st of all YOU are paying for the expenses of that because we all know if you drink, you avoid that mini bar in a hotel room at all costs and I sure as hell aren't paying for your scuzzy asses. Iggy's voice also sounds like a large black woman. Sorry ladies, I know that was rude to black women everywhere, but it's the truth. This bitch stood up one day, and thought she could rap. Record execs that she would be the next Gwen Stefani with "street cred" and looks so pushed her with 100% effort. Now the music world is stuck with this. Usual procedures these days. Can you believe this broad while playing live, stage dove into the crowd and someone tried to finger her? Yes, I do. I do because she is a hoe, and with the lyrics and videos you put out, what type of fucking people do you think you'd attract? In closing of Iggy I have 2 suggestions. 1.) Stop pretending to know how to rap. 2.) take a bath. You're shaming your home country.
Speaking 0f shame, in high school, when you think of music from down under, you thought of Silverchair, those 3 grungy dudes that softened up their sound and disappeared. Oh, their country still holds them relevant, and here's what they're doing now. Make it through 30 seconds of this and I'll give you a dollar. It's awful..You're welcome.
So as you can see, in every part of the world, someone tries very hard to suck, or continue sucking. That's why our mission here is to send sucky people worldwide to Abhu Dhabi where they would hopefully rot. In some Australian people's case, with their land being full of the deadliest animals in the world, I simply urge you that you do the world a favor by the following. Walk out of your house, looks towards the wild, walk out about 30 feet, and let Mother Nature take it's wicked course. Make sure you get it on camera so I can watch. Fuck it, I'll even have a Fosters while you're at it. So on second thought, don't go to Abhu Dhabi, just go for a hike, right where you're at. "That's nut a nuife. Now thets a nuuuiiife!!!"
Sorry, I had to get that in somewhere.
My final advice is, take the good with the bad. Cherish and respect the treasure of every continent and shove the bad through a blender, or in this case, let a crocodile rip it to pieces.
I can't believe we haven't covered this song before. I mean, it's bad. Really, really, unbelievably bad.
Where do I even start with this one? I guess I'll provide some background in case you made the wise decision to not watch the above video. This song is by a bunch of kids called the Black Out Band, and is their ode to their favorite thing in the world - video games.
No, seriously, when I say they're kids, I mean it. As far as I can tell, there's not a member of this band that's older than 12 years old. They're like an even worse KidzBop, if that's possible.
So the song starts, and while it's nothing to write home about, it's not horribly offensive musically. What is offensive, though, is the lead singer's voice. I can't even think of an animal that, in its dying moments, would make the noises that come out of this kid's mouth. I guess he's supposed to be waking up to go to school as the first verse starts? That would be a plausible explanation - if he did not sound like the same unidentified dying animal in every other verse in the song.
Then we move to the chorus, where we find out it's not just the lead singer that has the awful voice - it's all of them! The entire band together sounds like a chorus of Steve Urkels, singing in unison about how they "JUST WANNA PLAY VIDEO GAMES - ALL THE TIME AND EVERY DAY" through their nostrils instead of their mouths.
This was the look I gave to my laptop the first time I heard this song. I probably pointed like this, too.
I will say this - these kids have the brain-dead child look down very well. As these kids sit in the back of their limo, playing video games (of course, because that's ALL THEY WANT TO DO) while being chauffeured to school, you can tell that these kids aren't acting. Also, thanks to the aforementioned limo, and the mansion that the singer leaves to go to school, that these spoiled brats probably - no, definitely - are able to JUST PLAY VIDEO GAMES, ALL THE TIME AND EVERY DAY because their parents let them. I mean, did you see that kid's bedroom? I'd be in HUGE trouble if I ever left my room like that!
So the song goes on and on about their #1 love, and we come to find that the Black Out Band has gotten out of bed and left their precious video games for no reason - there's no even school today! It's conference day! That's OK though, as they've obviously caught on to the fact that the teachers themselves are at home playing video games themselves. I mean, no parents will notice if their kids' teachers aren't conference day, right?
Also, I have to call bullshit on the idea of ANY child not knowing that they don't have a day off from school. I mean, they're video game zombies and all, but even they would have to know that they can stay home!
The song ends not too much longer after this, and thankfully, I never have to hear it again if I don't want to. Their name is pretty fitting - I'd rather black out than ever listen to them again. I can think of no better song to start a fresh shipment to Abu Dhabi with.
Hell-O folks! It's been a while and Kev is ready to add to the box! This blog post has been quite the hot coal burning in the fire for a while now and I am finally ready to take it out and fire it at the unrighteous. In this case the things that suck the most.
Within the last month or so before my X-Box 360 got the red ring of death on me (Dammit!) I've been utilizing Netflix instant queue more than usual; which has allowed me more time to explore its vast, yet questionable variety of flicks that had the privilege (or curse) of being put on film. That leads me to the topic at hand. I figured our society's sucky creations in Abu Dhabi has enough music, so let's send them a movie! Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the the newest movie review to the box!
Good God almighty from the heavens do I have a barn burner for you! By that I mean you'll be so outraged and confused by this movie, you will feel the need to burn down a barn. With no animals in it of course. The only thing in it said burning barn would be the director of this film. If you choose to call him that. This shit storm of a flick is called "Rubber". Here's the trailer:
Fiddle-dee dee, where do I start with this one? That's the problem, there is no place to start. Why? Not just because this movie is terrible. Because the plot and pretty much everything else about it is a shit show. The entire idea I gathered from this was a movie directed by a hipster to make other hipsters laugh, which in reality is already far beyond my disappointment level. Let's start at the attempt of a story line. A tire named "Robert" that rises from the desert and has a mind of its own with the ability to make people's heads explode. Funny idea possibly, right? No. Apparently for some people it's easy to take a simple plot with the chance of it being funny, and mutilate it. A character in the beginning shows up in a cop car telling you immediately the movie doesn't make sense. Well no shit, because the trailer didn't show you that (sarcasm). Is it funny though? If you have a terrible sense of humor and laugh at just about anything, even long quiet pauses with really dumb shit added in between, then yes it's right up your alley. Dry jokes, some numerous boring camera shots, and a little dash of boring on top of scenes where you just have to say "Okay, now it's getting a little too redundant and it's just not funny anymore."
Throughout the story line our shit bag director decides to throw in random side scenes of a bunch of goofy people watching this whole story line go down through binoculars, then served a raw turkey as they eat it like cavemen, then start dying from eating it. What it adds to this movie? Nothing but senseless garbage that isn't even funny. See how the words "not funny" seem to be coming a constant thing in this? Meanwhile jokes are being placed throughout the movie by the characters which I assure you only the director understands them to be so well placed it's amazing. He's so wrong it hurts.Then you've got this dumb lead actress who is striving to be just the sexiest and rebellious hipster chick she can be while being oblivious on her travels while a LIVING TIRE follows her around and "wreaks havoc" along the way as it stocks her. Then the police start chasing it. Okay well to be perfectly honest with you all, here's where I stopped watching it about halfway though because I couldn't take it anymore. I got to a scene where "Robert" rolls into a hotel pool and sinks to the bottom as the camera sits and focuses on the tire sitting there for a few minutes which felt like a god damn eternity. Here is where I've decided this director should not make any type of other movie or short film if his life depended on it. My girlfriend opted out of watching this and went to bed. I truly wished I have done the same and followed it up with a warm glass of bleach to ease the pain.
And you're probably wondering "I wonder what this guy looks like". Oh, trust me he's a douche and it's truly contagious.
Here's a shot of the idiot (middle), found hanging out with Chip Hipster with the nice pink frame plastic glasses and "grimy scraggly dude who strives to look like Jesus" guy. It doesn't stop there.
Here's some douche wearing a shirt of a douche. You see how this is contagious? This is an epidemic that needs to be stopped. Maybe it already did. My goodness I'm hoping so.
I can guarantee you after seeing these pictures, that me posing with the WWE United States Championship belt standing next to a random house plant makes me look 40 times cooler and a lot less ridiculous now. Thanks for the confidence boost Mr director!
Aaaaanyway.....
I'm putting in a request somewhere to change the name of this movie from "Rubber" to "Shit" because then at least this movie would live up to its name. Curse you Netflix. If you could see how hard I'm shaking my fist right now, that movie would be off there quicker than someone could say "let's put a terrible looking movie in our instant queue and I'll watch it when I have time." Peace out Rubber. I'm glad I buried you and you will not be missed.
Once many years ago I was a little girl lost in the dark underworld of being a lonely goth ( who weirdly enough was surrounded by goth friends, so not so lonely, maybe?) So I lived my life on the darker side, my baggy pants made me look like a short round, and my burgundy hair didn't look that great but damn it I knew what I loved and that was METAL. Nu Metal to be more specific, I know, I know, its barely metal, but I was alone on this journey of musical discovery, with only Korn and Linkin Park to guide me.
During this time period in my life a little movie called Queen of the Damned came out, loosely based on the Anne Rice novel. I ate that up with a fucking spoon, I loved that movie, bought the poster, had the soundtrack, it could do no wrong. I watched it literally hundreds of times and endlessly played the sound track. Which was essentially Korn, Linkin Park, Manson, Papa Roach thrown in for good measure. So I didn't give this movie much thought for a long time after reaching adulthood. I would occasionally pop the soundtrack in and just let it go, but I guess never really paid attention to it.
About one month ago I watched the movie, alone, and it fucking sucked, bad. Like real bad. To sum it up, Lestat is not the bad ass I know and love from interview with a vampire, hes a whiny bitch. Crying about living forever, being alone, and all the while being a Rock Star. I guess he's bummed because unlike Twilight vampires, he can't have sex? So he writes all these songs, plays them with a shitty band, meets a girl, with no character basis except that she likes him? I guess. There is a weird subplot with her that makes no fucking sense because its jumbled from book to movie. (who is meant to be replaced with any goth girl in the world, this explained why I loved the movie, because what good goth girl doesn't want to walk into the eternal night with a Vampire LUV) Vampires want to kill him because he is a narc, So any way they beat the bad Queen, he makes her vampire and the walk into the night to a progressive ballad.
So after realizing what a poor showing the movie is I decided tonight to listen to the soundtrack, wow, its like its just trying so hard!
Oh yeah there was actual bizarre music videos in the movie, here are some lyrics, if the video is too much for you.
I'm over it
You see I'm falling in the vast abyss
Clouded by memories of the past
At last, I see .... We fear them finding
Always whining
Take my hand now
Be alive... You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you... Must we hide from everyone?
This song in particular is about being a vampire, being alone, and having to hide who you really are.
Sounds like a bummer right?
See the parallel?
The whole sound track is pretty much like that.
Its lame. So Abu Dhabi, I give you the gift that keeps on giving , The Queen of the Damned Soundtrack, with original songs like Slept so long (this one was my fave ha-ha), Forsaken, Redeemer, System and including Dead Cell and Down With the Sickness, how could it not be!? I can't say I won't ask for it back from time to time when I want to relive my youth or if I am on a really long solo road trip, apart from those two situations I never want to hear this crap again!. Deuces!-Ang
Around this time every year, I decide to be a glutton for punishment and take a look at the lineup for Warped Tour. You'd think I would have learned my lesson after the Brokencyde Incident of 2011, but sadly, that was not the case on this chilly, dreary Sunday morning in NEPA.
Now before we get started, let me make one thing clear - I know that it's not 2000 anymore, and that Warped Tour now offers a wider variety of music to a more diverse listening audience. It's not "punk rock" anymore (whatever that even means). Instead, it features everything from hardcore to metal-ish stuff to hip hop to dubstep (don't even get me started on THAT) to yes, occasionally, a little bit of punk.
No, seriously, only a little. Goldfinger is on the tour this year for eight days.
With that said, I can't even begin to excuse what you're about to watch being involved in Warped Tour.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you "BEST SONG EVERRR" by Wallpaper.. No, the double punctuation at the end of the sentence is not a typo - Wallpaper. is apparently a complete sentence. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about proper grammar and punctuation, but turning your "band" name into a one-word sentence is hardly the BEST PUNCTUATION EVERRR.
That's not the most ridiculous thing happening here though, as the song does a pretty good job at being the BEST RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE SONG EVERRR. The video begins as Wallpaper. (I guess that's his proper name?) appears out of nowhere, materializing out of confetti in what he would surely call the BEST CONCEPTION EVERRR. Wallpaper. makes his way through the party, and is clearly cast as the guy no one wants there as the other party guests get more and more annoyed as he goes along. I'm glad to see that my sentiments are shared by others.
So the song progresses, going on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how all of the people around are the BEST PEOPLE EVERRR, and how his Spanish-speaking skills are not the BEST SPANISH-SPEAKING SKILLS EVERRR, but it never does realize its potential as the BEST SONG EVERRR as Wallpaper. predicts. This song, to me, is like what would happen if LMFAO and Asher Roth had a baby, and while the confetti conception earlier was the BEST CONCEPTION EVERRR, this one would not share the same fate.
As the song progresses, the other partygoers start to accept Wallpaper. and start to dance and sing with him. Of course, accepting bad things into your life comes with negative consequences, and by the end of the song, the other guests are now vomiting confetti. I'll admit - towards the end of the song, I wanted to vomit too, but I don't think confetti would have been what was coming out if I did. The video ends in the BEST WAY EVERRR (if it were reality), as the whole thing just explodes back into confetti and disappears.
Well, maybe exploding into confetti isn't the most ideal solution here, but the explosion part works for me.
My message to the organizers of Warped Tour - peel the Wallpaper. off the set list and get back to the good music.
Was that the BEST JOKE EVERRR? Absolutely not, but it's still better than what we all just listened to. Off to Abu Dhabi you go!
When I first came across Sleigh Bells, it was during their Saturday Night Live performance. Actually, it was before they started performing and I saw this image of them.
Now, I like being introduced to new music and I love tough front women. So when I saw this image, I foolishly got a little excited. I mean, they look bad ass, Ponyboy from Outsiders bad ass. I know, I know. You are not suppose to judge a book by its cover. But I guess I have some shallow tendencies and in my defense this book was advertising falsely.
And let me just give everyone a little piece of advice here, dressing like a tough kid when you are not is one of the leading causes of getting your ass kicked by an actual tough kid. Just sayin'.
This is what I thought Sleigh Bells might sound like based on appearance.
I had prepared myself to hear something rocking, in the vein of The Distillers or Walls of Jericho. Hell, I would have even settled for something that sounded like Pink, because her music might not be the toughest or rawest sounding thing but, I will admit, that lady scares the shit out of me.
This is what Alexis of Sleigh Bells actually sounds like.
ANYWAY, when they finally started to perform the sound that came out of Alexis was more akin to a Power Puff Girl. Now don't get me wrong, there are times when the music definitely has some bite to it. The guitarist was in Poison the Well prior to 2003, so maybe that has something to do with it. But over all, I felt like I was tricked into thinking I was going to hear something punk, rock, or hardcore and instead I got some strange mix of electronic, new wave, noise and disappointment. You can hear what I mean for yourself...
So boys & girls, I submit Sleigh Bells for consideration to be shipped off to Abu Dhabi on the basis of major let down and false advertising.
