No Madonna, I don't wanna.

This past Sunday, I sat in my Nanticoke apartment watching the Super Bowl with some friends, and had the opportunity to check out this year's halftime show.  Before it started, I knew that the performance was going to be a trainwreck - it was just a matter of what was going to make it so terrible.  As the show kicked off, I heard the sentence that would define the entire experience for me, from recently-reinstated Chikara star Vin Gerard: "Hey look - it's that old lady that thinks she's Lady Gaga."

When this guy is judging your musical presentation, you know you're in bad shape.

It was at that moment I knew what my next shipment would include.

This song is probably the newest song to be sent overseas (eight days after the video was posted online!), and honestly, I knew it had to go the first time I heard it.  It's the new single from Madonna's MDNA album, called "Give Me All Your Luvin'."  And, without exaggeration, it's safe to say that this may be the worst thing she has ever put out, and that covers a lot of ground (anyone remember "Don't Cry For Me Argentina?").

So, here it is - Madonna's (third or fourth) big comeback.  On this track, she's paired up with M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj, who I'm sure has a post of his/her own coming shortly.  Within the first four seconds of the song, I'm pissed off, as they insist on spelling love "luv" like they're sixth graders passing notes in class or something.  As they pan out and show the entire scene, it's clear that M.I.A. has NO interest in being involved in this project whatsoever, as she has the most bored, uninspired look on her face in the history of music.  Nicki Minaj, of course, is on this like white on rice, like any other horrible music he/she has a hand in. 

The main problem with this song is that Madonna is, indeed, an old lady pretending to be young, much like Vin pointed out less than a week ago.  If she had written this when she was 26, I may have been able to forgive her, but of course, she's 53, so the whole thing comes off as a desperate attempt to prove that she's still hip and relevant.  There's glaring examples of this all over the video, with the most embarassing coming as she "dances" in front of a brick wall like she's in a club.  She's clearly not, and she clearly doesn't look very good doing this, but hey, it's not stopping her.

It's too bad, because it really should.  I think she needs a reality check, or maybe some guidance to figure out how old she is.

These guys know a thing or two about acting your age...or not.

This continues on and on, as she has football players taking bullets for her while she walks through the streets twirling her hair like a ditzy teenager, pretending she's not actually 53.  The whole thing just screams "I'M STILL YOUNG AND RELEVANT! PLEASE BUY MY RECORD! WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX! ANYONE? I USED TO DO THAT A LOT! I BET I STILL CAN!" 

My message here is simple - anyone who ever claimed that Madonna is "timeless" is clearly delusional, as this song/video/cry for attention proves that theory to be false.  Off to Abu Dhabi you go, priority - the sooner we can get out of here, the better.

-Matt