What not to do if stranded in the desert.

Welcome to the Committee's first post for National Blog Posting Month, or, as abbreviated, NaBloPoMo.  Try saying that five times fast.  Hell, try saying it once.  I bet you can't.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a huge fan of rap, but there are two kinds that I do enjoy as a guilty pleasure: rap songs that don't take themselves seriously at all, and rap songs that take themselves way too seriously.

Tonight's entry falls under the second category.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Mystikal.  At the turn of the century, Mystikal made his name with the "hit" (which will come into play later, trust me) "Shake Ya Ass," or, as known in the radio-friendly profanity-free world, "Shake It Fast."  This song is infamous for its instructions to shake your ass, but watch yourself, which in reality, is VERY hard to do.

In this post, we'll look at the second single from the record.

This gem is called "Danger (Been So Long)," and featured the up-and-coming-meaning-never-heard-from-again R&B singer Nivea.  The video begins with Mystikal wandering through the desert, seemingly trying to find his way out.  This is an intense, dangerous situation, and he lets you know of this by SCREAMING AS LOUD AS HE CAN INTO THE CAMERA OVER AND OVER AGAIN.  And as if the screaming wasn't enough, he makes sure to strike some really weird poses while yelling.  That's gotta be way too much exertion for someone who's trying to get out of the desert alive.

For the record, I'd try to tell you what the song is about, but I can't understand a single word the guy says, other than "WATCH YO'SELF!" which ties it to "Shake Ya Ass" and makes me wonder what his fascination with people watching themselves is.

My exertion theory is proven as Mystikal falls face-first into the sand.  Is he dead?  No, I don't think so.  Is the song at least over?  Nah, we're not that lucky.  Instead, some girl (scantily-clad, of course - I mean, this IS the desert) shows up on a motorcycle to bring our hero to safety.  Here, they encounter more danger, as I'm sure that driving a motorcycle on sand is not safe.  She brings him to this very-well-populated-for-being-in-the-middle-of-the-desert bar, which, of course, has about eight thousand hookers in it.  And of course, they all want to grind all over Mystikal, which is a request he fulfills.  There's more shouting and mumbling, perhaps about one of his concerts?  He claims there's a crowd around the block - maybe that's just for refunds due to people who realized they bought a ticket to see Mystikal.  As for his music, he is sure to clarify that "if I tell you it's a hit, then that's just what it is!"

Here, I thought I knew music better than that.

This whole thing wraps up with Mystikal awakening in the desert, realizing that the whole thing was a mirage.  It's unfortunate that I can't do the same.  Abu Dhabi is within spitting distance of a great number of deserts, so this one should feel right at home there.

-Matt