I'm not exactly tickled pink by this song.

I blame the Y2K bug.

Back in 2000, the music world was introduced to Pink, a new pop singer straight out of the Philadelphia area.   Complete with pink hair (to match her name - so clever!), her first single, "There You Go," took over the airwaves for what seemed like an eternity, and sold enough copies that record executives thought it would be a good idea for her to keep making music and terrorizing the American public.

If none of that had ever happened, we never would have had to deal with this:

Somewhere between 2000 and 2008, Pink (now spelled P!nk, apparently) decided that Kool-Aid hair was no longer going to be her gimmick, and instead, she was going to be one tough bitch.  She proved her supposed-toughness in the single "So What," where she goes on and on and on and on and on about how she wants to start a fight with basically anyone who gets in her way.  Because she's one tough bitch, you see.  This all starts because her husband has left her/she left her husband/they're back together and angry at each other/whatever other fucking story they have for their relationship this week.  I only say this because he left...but he's in the video...but they're angry at each other...but then they're hugging it out...but then she's angry again.

I guess it's hard to control your emotions when you're one tough bitch.

But anyway, P!nk goes on to ask the listener to "check her flow" like she's Biggie or something, and goes on to tell another story of how she lost her table at a restaurant to Jessica Simpson, who hadn't been relevant since approximately...well....ever.  In fact, here are people that were more relevant than Jessica Simpson at the time:

But this is all OK, and do you know why?  Because not only is P!nk one tough bitch, but she's also a rock star!  That's right - it doesn't matter who gets in her way, and who she needs to fight, because she's a rock star!  She's got her rock moves!

...wait, what?  What the fuck are rock moves?  Sadly, P!nk never explains just what they are, and Webster's offers no explanation.  To be honest, the only rock moves I know are these:

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, P!nk, it's off to Abu Dhabi you go.  I can already hear her challenging me to a fight in my head...

-Matt

Oh how I miss the days...

...of going to a club, seeing a band play and watching every dumb ass overly generic, semi chubby chick swoon when the first couple of familiar notes to this song rang out. And I though to myself "Formula is perfect. Pleasing guitar tone, easy tempo, smooth melody. This is it, this is what I need to try and do. Write a ballad."

It wasn't an easy decision to come to. I mean especially after really piecing apart the words to get to the underlying message:

"Honey why are you calling me so late?"-Confusion. He's comfortable enough to call her honey but, caught of  guard by the hour she has decided to reach him.

"It's kinda hard to talk right now"-Odd, for a man who is concerned with the late night call. What could he possibly be doing?

"Honey why are you crying, is everything okay?"-Alarm. She is obviously upset. Maybe due to his rigorous touring schedule she missed her 4:45pm call right before show time and she felt like hearing his voice would get her through the night...what a great guy.

"I gotta whisper ?cause I can't be too loud"-Can this man get any sweeter?? He is concerned he might wake his roady who is only know by people as Mad Dawg, from his drug induced coma... thoughtful!!

"Well, my girl's in the next room"-.....



....HOLY CRAP HE'S BANGING 2 CHICKS AND ONE OF THEM DOESN'T KNOW IT!!!!

As I learned that this man was no saint and certainly no type of a role model I looked around the smoke filled bar and saw every chick in the place swooning and swaying as if they were thinking "When can I find a guy like that? He's so sensitive."

Again I say DUMB ASSES!!

This song is terrible, people that like this song are terrible, chicks that wave their cell phones at cover bands that play this song are terrible and the only thing that is worse than being  Nickelback is trying to be Nickelback. Hinder, I hate you.

I would like this song to be shot, dragged a quarter mile and then stuffed in a box tagged for Abu Dhabi without a return address never to be heard again. 

-Charlie

Words to make any woman swoon.

You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex. 
Whenever I'm approached by a young suitor, I like this to be the first words out of his mouth. 

You know, unless I'm looking for respect and a meaningful relationship. Like most women.

I had never heard "So Hott" by Kid Rock until my boyfriend's cover band decided to start playing it at bars. As it turns out, people love this song. It makes them dance. I must be a weirdo, because it makes me feel dirty.

I am positive that this song was written on the basis of a challenge for Kid Rock. Someone walked up to him and said "Dude, I don't believe that you're white trash." And as his way to prove this person wrong, he wrote this horrible song. Now we all have to suffer because of someone else's doubt. It always seems like one person ruins things for the masses, and now I'm going to ruin things for the population of Abu Dhabi by sending this gem over. 


-Rebecca

Who Gives A Hoot?

Owl City that is who. more specifically the song writer and performer  Adam Young  The steaming pile of diarrhea and focal point of this contribution is a little pile of word vomit known as Fireflies. There is not one song or video I think I hate more in the history of music and music videos..  I hate the lyrics, the synthesizer use, and that stupid whiny mo-fo's voice.  More than anything, I hate  people that proclaim this their favorite song.  To which i silently respond WHAT THE FUCK!? 

Let us start with an examination of some of these fine lyrics.

"You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies (WTF?)
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere (Not sure..)
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and
Stare" (Who would fucking?)

This Horrifying sight is what 10 MILLION FIREFLIES MIGHT LOOK LIKE 

If i looked out my fucking window and saw this I would shit my fucking pants!

But, I digress

Lets continue.

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs (Not hugs from all of them)
As they tried to teach my how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock-hop beneath my bed ( I was not aware that insects danced)
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread 

I am aware that our friend Adam wrote this song as he was trying to fall asleep one night, but it really seems like something my four year old nephew came up with .  You know one of those little kid, sitting in the tub songs we have all made up from time to time.  This song was also supposed to bring back he Synthesizer Pop movement. ( I guess Ke$ha is allegedly doing this too?)

Synth Pop is a funny things, here is a much better example of it.  Ok the lyrics aren't the best.  This song is classic!!

Lets make a comparison with "FireFlies"

Starts out with the crappy little music box beat, then this douche bag at the organ, clicks a button labeled  "magic" Oh good, maybe the song will stop now?! No.  This is just the beginning. Magic seems to mean all your lamps come on and toys come to life which reminds me of a horrible childhood memory.

(maybe this is why I hate the video so much)

The music video continues on in this fashion whiny voice guy + plus 1977 bed room + creepy toys wondering about = Horrible.  OH YEAH did I mention not one damn firefly int the whole production.  

I think this guy "Making himself believe that planet earth turns slowly" makes the song last longer. It just gets under my skin, until I feel compelled to comment on it ( Who put this on? lol).  Not once but twice has this comment been met with " THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG."  

Which just makes me want to scream WHY?! OUT OF ALL THE INFINITE AMOUNTS OF MUSIC OUT THERE.  AMAZING SONGS! WHY IS THIS THE ONE THAT DOES IT FOR YOU!?

My conclusion, probably brain dead.  That is what I am sticking to.  So farewell creepy fireflies song and guy. (Why does he have so many fucking toys anyway?)  Abu Dhabi, I apologize again for this horrible fucking disgrace of a song!!!

----Angie

The award for Worst Excuse Ever goes to...

A true friend is someone you can go to for advice that you can count on, regardless of the situation.  While I don't condone his fictional choices, Ricardo "RikRok" Ducent was caught messing around with the girl next door, and wasn't sure what to do next.  Confused, he called his friend Shaggy to plan his next move...and what we got was this:

When in doubt, according to Shaggy, the best thing to do is deny, deny, deny.  And that's what he advised RikRok to do, when together, they released the 2000 single "It Wasn't Me."  RikRok, of course, is concerned that his girlfriend is going to rightfully end their relationship, especially since she has a ton of evidence, including video footage of the incident happening!  Shaggy underestimates her intelligence, however, seeming convinced that RikRok can get away with this by merely saying "it wasn't me" to her.  He lists a bunch of reasons why it'll work, but I'll be honest - I'll be damned if I can understand a single one of them.  In fact, I had to look up the lyrics just to see what he was saying.  Here's part of Shaggy's plan to convince her of the lie:

make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on da right prefix
whenever you should see her make da giggolo flex
as funny as it be by you, it not that complex
seein is believin so you better change your specs 

I had no idea that's what he was saying until right now.  And after reading it, I'm still not sure what he's trying to say here.  Is this even saying anything at all?  Shaggy could be my best friend in the world, but if I'm in trouble, I'm not going to him to figure out what to do next.  I'd even go to a therapist who makes me seasick by looking at him over Shaggy.

Thankfully, RikRok came to his senses by the end of the song, and told Shaggy to forget it: his "reason made no sense at all."  Well no shit, Sherlock!  When someone finds marks on your body, hears things happening, and has video evidence of said acts, it's time to just fess up.  It's too bad America didn't come to their senses, though, as this song was somehow Shaggy's first #1 single.  Yes, THIS SONG WAS A NUMBER ONE SINGLE.  The thought of that makes my head hurt.

The best aspirin for that?  Ship this one off.  Maybe Shaggy's tricks will work in Abu Dhabi.


-Matt

I feel broken inside, that's for sure.

I don't even know where to begin.

Two years ago, I was getting set to go to Warped Tour, and much like this year, I was looking through the list of bands to see if there were any hidden gems.

Clearly, this was not one of them.

The name of the band...err...group...err...whatever they are is Brokencyde.  They appeared to have more support than almost any other band on the tour based on the comments that were left on their page.  It couldn't possibly be the worst thing I had ever heard, right?

Wrong.  "Freaxxx," the supposed hit single by Brokencyde is, without a doubt, the worst thing that has ever happened to music.  There's just so much wrong with this, from start to finish, that it's hard to describe, but that's what this blog is here for so I'm going to give it my best shot.

There is no reason, EVER, to combine these two genres of music.  Yes, it's so severe that I had to capitalize it, bold it, and italicize it.  Known around the world as "crunkcore," it's apparently dance music about partying and hooking up with loose women, with hardcore vocals which are generally found in the background.  It starts out with the hardcore screaming, and then goes onto auto-tuned lyrics about going to the club, drinking a bunch, and meeting some hookers (which they have to be to even remotely get interested in these two fucks) for what they consider to be a good evening.  Of course, they're in the streets (where people like this clearly come from), and dancing with low-rent strippers in front of expensive rental cars to get the following message across:  we know how to party.  Or something.

And then, of course, there's a pig.  I mean, why wouldn't there be a pig dancing with them?  Human-size pigs hang out at street parties all the time!

They go on to name some expensive brand names, since they obviously have money and these things are always meant to be associated with hardcore.  If these kids ever went within five miles of a hardcore show, they'd get their asses kicked.  I promise you that.

The song goes on and on and on and gets freakier and freakier with each passing second, but never actually gets good.  I challenge anyone to find anything, and I mean anything remotely appealing about this song.

But wait, just when you thought they'd stop at one song, they came back for more!

More animals, more hookers, more bad.  I made it through a minute of this before I had to shut it off.  It makes me want to scream at Brokencyde, their producers, their label, and their parents for this ever being created.

Guys, if you're going to do the party gimmick, do it right, and don't try to blend two genres of music that don't belong together while doing it.

Abu Dhabi's going to start to hate us soon, but hey, we can't have this shit over here.  I bet they'd like the beach anyway.

-Matt

In Honor of Memorial Day

I would first like to thank those who gave their lives and those who are fought and are fighting for our great nation. Both of my late Grandfathers fought in WWII and my Dad served in the National Guard, I have nothing but the utmost respect for soldiers, and their families. This post is by no means to be Anti-American or Anti-Troops, it's truly based on the awfulness of these songs!

However, I must add this song to the box. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (Angry American) by Toby Keith is, to me, the manifestation of redneck.

Now, don't get me wrong, when this song came out after 9/11 - I loved it. In fact, the lyrics were posted on my bedroom wall and I knew all the words. However, I was horribly misguided. 

I sat here, for almost 20 minutes, trying to figure out how to put into words just how bad this song is and why.

I couldn't. It's just bad. It's almost as bad as another country song... Have you Forgotten? by Darryl Worley.

I would like to start off this portion of my post as saying - No, I haven't forgotten. I'm reminded almost everyday and for over 72 hours during the week leading up to the anniversary. Further more, it doesn't make me a bad American to not remember it everyday, it makes me an American that hasn't let the terrorists change me.

-Ashley