So it's been a slow mail week here at Committee Headquarters. However, I think we've saved up enough cash to ship a new song out, and trust me, as far as songs go, it's the #1 Contender for the Abu Dhabi Box Heavyweight Championship.
Before 2007, Finger Eleven was only really known for their song "One Thing," which I will forever know as the "Chris Benoit Killed His Family and Then Hung Himself" song because of its use in the video tribute package to him on Raw the night he was found dead. Somehow, this is not the worst thing they've done to music, as they managed to produce a song worse than a Nicholas Cage look-alike sloppily diving onto five wrestlers on a roller rink floor.
The name of the song is "Paralyzer," and unless you've been thankfully living under a rock somewhere and have been able to miss it, you know it well. Practically every radio station in the world started playing this one seemingly every hour on the hour when it first hit the airwaves in 2007, despite how absolutely terrible it truly is. The song tells the story of a man who goes to a club...and hates it. He suffers from the worst case of wallflower syndrome I've ever heard, as he sulks in the corner of the club, anti-socially watching everyone else have a good time. It's clear that he should have stayed home, as he even notes himself: "I should just stay home/if one thing really means one," which I'm sure has some kind of profound meaning.
Just then, he finds some attractive woman on the other side of the bar, and starts to imagine what going home with her, or to his house, or apparently just some dark place would be like. I guess then it's OK to be at this club, as he is now distracted.
To sum it up, here's how the song goes: "hey, this place SUCKS. Why am I even here? I'm so angsty, and I can't stand being around happiness. Oh, hey, you're cute."
And then, the video makes absolutely no sense. I mean, as bad as the story is, the song at least tells one that can be transferred into an almost-watchable (for the blind, at least) music video. But no, instead, they go out and get some dude and some chick, put them in suits, and then have them dance and spawn other people to dance with them while they do it. Where are these people coming from? Why are they dancing so awkwardly?
Remember the last time a video told a nonsensical story that had people randomly dancing for no reason? Yeah, that one's pretty much remembered as a joke, too.
In conclusion, you can make all the "I'm winning the belt!" motions you want around your waist, Finger Eleven, but the only title that "Paralyzer" is winning can be found in Abu Dhabi.
-Matt
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