So, a few weeks ago, I found out that some of my favorite bands, like Less Than Jake, the Street Dogs, and Set Your Goals, are playing on the Warped Tour this year. Now, being almost 30 years old, I fully recognize that I'm getting to be a bit too old to go to an all-day punk festival, but regardless, I was considering bringing myself out of Warped Tour retirement for one year to go check it out.
That is, until I saw some of the other bands who are playing this year. Being someone who's willing to give the other bands a chance (I mean, seriously, I'm paying how much to go to this thing? I may as well check out what the other acts have to offer), I sat down and went through the list of bands to see what else may interest me throughout the day.
The answer: not very much.
The first band I decided to investigate was Blood on the Dance Floor. When I first clicked on their song, "Death To Your Heart," I won't lie to you - I expected to hear something horrible. What I expected, though, was some shitty screamo metalcore band that has breakdowns in their breakdowns and a dude who sounds like he's gargling with mouthwash rather than singing (though, don't worry - those bands are coming up).
What I got was something completely different. Sure, they had all the shitty tattoos I was expecting, but instead of endless breakdowns, I heard equally terrible synthesizers and more makeup than a Lady Gaga interview segment. I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be - is it pop? is it techno? It's certainly not punk, and it's most definitely terrible. It definitely made me want to leave someone's blood on the dance floor - theirs. I dare you to make it through this entire video without wanting to hit someone.
Not to be outdone, Epitaph Records (yes, the same label that has had punk rock legends like Bad Religion, Rancid, and NOFX amongst their ranks) provided the horribly-named I Set My Friends on Fire to the tour this year. I decided to listen to one of their songs, figuring it couldn't be much worse than what I had just heard.
It starts out with that same Nintendo-like synthesizer line like Blood on the Dance Floor, but then mixes it with the angsty screaming one would expect from electronic music...or something. It's almost passable at moments, but then you remember that the song is called "Things That Rhyme With Orange" (like storange, and florange, clearly) and that for some reason, a furry has decided to save the young couple from their jock-tormented afternoon. There's so much wrong with this, I'm not even sure I have room here to describe it all.
That's because I had to make room for Winds of Plague. I promised you gargling, and now here it is. I've always wondered how someone is able to make themselves growl for minutes, seemingly on command, with no repercussions to their regular speaking voice.
It is obvious from this epic that 1) I'm hanging out in all the wrong places, as Vanilla Ice look-alikes who have frogs in their throats know how to party, and 2) their pit at Warped Tour is going to be brutal, just like their set. And by brutal, I mean brutal to have to sit through.
Congrats to Abu Dhabi, as you now have enough bands to have a Warped Tour of your own! And don't worry, you'll still get variety - I'm sure there'll be more than enough bad things to send your way for years to come.
-Matt
Yes music is just spinning down the toilet ...either that or we are old and the kids like it
ReplyDelete~Pedro Sanchez