The world is full of bad music, and it's about time that someone comes along to isolate it all to one location - Abu Dhabi. Meet nine NEPA 20-somethings concerned with the direction that music is going in, and are hoping to put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.
It's been a while since I've written one of these things - let's see if I can still bury some bad music.
I mean, it shouldn't be too hard - there's a ton of stuff that's come out since I've packed something away in the Box that should be shipped out, hopefully to never be heard from again. 2013 and 2014 have been a wealth of awful, so it was difficult to pick just one song that needed my immediate attention. Yet, through all the Kanyes and Avrils and songs about Air Jordans (which, trust me, someone on the staff will get to sooner or later), one sticks out like a bad Instagram post that you just can't look away from.
The name of the song is #SELFIE, and is by a group called The Chainsmokers, which I literally just learned right before writing this post. It appears that #CRACK is what they've been chainsmoking if they think this #MESS is any good. Here's the basic premise behind the song - this girl is #DRUNK, and is just rambling on and on and on about who knows what. None of the "lyrics" really seem to go together at any point - it's a huge disjointed #DISASTER of a song. The narrator (because I'm sure as hell not going to call her a singer) raises some very important questions in this song - for example, "What filter should I use?", "Jason just texted me - should I go home with him?", and the often-debated "Who goes out on Mondays?" Riveting stuff, I know.
What the song does teach me is this - the way to approach any situation, good or bad is to first take a #SELFIE. She doesn't mean just any #SELFIE, either - it has to be a #GOODSELFIE. In fact, ten likes in five minutes isn't good enough, as it's enough to make her considering taking it down and replacing it with another one. If at first you don't #SUCCEED, I guess...
I think my biggest concern with this song is that people like this must exist somewhere in this world. While I do keep myself informed on popular music (obviously, as I unfortunately know what this is), I tend not to put myself into situations where I may encounter whatever this type of person is. And I don't like the reminder.
With all that said, it's off to Abu Dhabi you go. And no, you can't take a #SELFIE first.
Hey Folks. Long time no read, eh? It's Irish Kev and I'm ready to bury a bitch. Well not physically but this next nominee for the box sure made it tempting.
Australia: the majestic outback. A land of danger, wonder, tough as nails inhabitants, and unfortunately some people who go out of their way to suck. Dammit, almost there. Let's talk about what the world loves or should love about the land down under before I turn your stomach.
This is Tim Cahill. A soccer legend for Australia. He played this year in the World Cup for the men's national Australian soccer team whom have single handedly won the respect and support of every country except the countries they were pitted against. He's also plays midfield for the New York Red Bulls, has the fastest goal in MLS history and respects the fans, not to mention visits children's hospitals on his off-time. Good dude!
And this! If you don't know who this is, don't read this fucking blog anymore.
There's a couple more, but you get the idea. There is awesome things that come out of Australia.
Then...
Then the bad. Massive Great White Shark population. I fucking hate sharks. Also home of the deadliest animals in the world. Poisonous reptiles and bugs, crocodiles, fuck I'm even pretty sure some of the plants can kill you. So you must be a bad ass to live there right? Not in ALL cases. What I'm about to show you is scarier than any deadly Australian animal
Readers of this blog, I bring you this abomination of society. It's name is Iggy Azalea. It's a chick. The only person that should be allowed to have that 1st name is the lead singer of The Stooges. Not this hoe. As a man with a pulse, I will say she's not ugly. But having looks doesn't mean you can't be a sucky, talentless, slutty human being and get away with it. Watch for yourself. Ugh...
She's so slutt-ay, you already know. If you didn't know, you're ass better call somebody (get the pun anyone? Anyway.). I'll be honest, I got to the part of the video where the singing chick says "Let's get drunk on the mini-bar". Which in reality of good taste is way too far and extremely risky. After getting the link to this video on YouTube, I quickly got out of the tab so my computer avoids viruses...or crabs....
Let's examine shall we. A rip off of the movie, Clueless. Stupid. I remember watching that movie with a girl I liked from high school, and I wanted to kill myself. If you've heard this song before the music video, I know for a fact you said "Great. A shitty collaboration between Missy Elliott and Gwen Stefani. Oh wait, it's two scrawny Australian and English chicks? Now I'm confused." The chick singer you just burned your ears with is Charlie XCX. She looks like the psychotic stalker character, Morello from "Orange is the New Black", she's not really a "star", her name looks like it should be a late 80's straightedge hardcore band and she's the drizzling shits. End of story. Let's talk about the main reason why I posted this blog. Iggy "let's see how much of a hoe who thinks she can rap I can be" Azalea. She's Australian which takes away a bit of the country's credibility. Come on Aussies, we have enough filth like that over here already, we could have took the hit for it and felt nothing for it at least. So anyway, this video, yeah pretty self explanatory. The lyrics are pretty much "I'm fancy in a dirty way, And terribly irresponsible. Apparently my rich parents aren't around, so I can call over other over-privileged cunt-wads for an underage drinking party so we can all look stupid together! By the way, I'm also ghetto fabulous." Lyrics also stating to get drunk off the mini bar is cheesy. 1st of all YOU are paying for the expenses of that because we all know if you drink, you avoid that mini bar in a hotel room at all costs and I sure as hell aren't paying for your scuzzy asses. Iggy's voice also sounds like a large black woman. Sorry ladies, I know that was rude to black women everywhere, but it's the truth. This bitch stood up one day, and thought she could rap. Record execs that she would be the next Gwen Stefani with "street cred" and looks so pushed her with 100% effort. Now the music world is stuck with this. Usual procedures these days. Can you believe this broad while playing live, stage dove into the crowd and someone tried to finger her? Yes, I do. I do because she is a hoe, and with the lyrics and videos you put out, what type of fucking people do you think you'd attract? In closing of Iggy I have 2 suggestions. 1.) Stop pretending to know how to rap. 2.) take a bath. You're shaming your home country.
Speaking 0f shame, in high school, when you think of music from down under, you thought of Silverchair, those 3 grungy dudes that softened up their sound and disappeared. Oh, their country still holds them relevant, and here's what they're doing now. Make it through 30 seconds of this and I'll give you a dollar. It's awful..You're welcome.
So as you can see, in every part of the world, someone tries very hard to suck, or continue sucking. That's why our mission here is to send sucky people worldwide to Abhu Dhabi where they would hopefully rot. In some Australian people's case, with their land being full of the deadliest animals in the world, I simply urge you that you do the world a favor by the following. Walk out of your house, looks towards the wild, walk out about 30 feet, and let Mother Nature take it's wicked course. Make sure you get it on camera so I can watch. Fuck it, I'll even have a Fosters while you're at it. So on second thought, don't go to Abhu Dhabi, just go for a hike, right where you're at. "That's nut a nuife. Now thets a nuuuiiife!!!"
Sorry, I had to get that in somewhere.
My final advice is, take the good with the bad. Cherish and respect the treasure of every continent and shove the bad through a blender, or in this case, let a crocodile rip it to pieces.
I can't believe we haven't covered this song before. I mean, it's bad. Really, really, unbelievably bad.
Where do I even start with this one? I guess I'll provide some background in case you made the wise decision to not watch the above video. This song is by a bunch of kids called the Black Out Band, and is their ode to their favorite thing in the world - video games.
No, seriously, when I say they're kids, I mean it. As far as I can tell, there's not a member of this band that's older than 12 years old. They're like an even worse KidzBop, if that's possible.
So the song starts, and while it's nothing to write home about, it's not horribly offensive musically. What is offensive, though, is the lead singer's voice. I can't even think of an animal that, in its dying moments, would make the noises that come out of this kid's mouth. I guess he's supposed to be waking up to go to school as the first verse starts? That would be a plausible explanation - if he did not sound like the same unidentified dying animal in every other verse in the song.
Then we move to the chorus, where we find out it's not just the lead singer that has the awful voice - it's all of them! The entire band together sounds like a chorus of Steve Urkels, singing in unison about how they "JUST WANNA PLAY VIDEO GAMES - ALL THE TIME AND EVERY DAY" through their nostrils instead of their mouths.
This was the look I gave to my laptop the first time I heard this song. I probably pointed like this, too.
I will say this - these kids have the brain-dead child look down very well. As these kids sit in the back of their limo, playing video games (of course, because that's ALL THEY WANT TO DO) while being chauffeured to school, you can tell that these kids aren't acting. Also, thanks to the aforementioned limo, and the mansion that the singer leaves to go to school, that these spoiled brats probably - no, definitely - are able to JUST PLAY VIDEO GAMES, ALL THE TIME AND EVERY DAY because their parents let them. I mean, did you see that kid's bedroom? I'd be in HUGE trouble if I ever left my room like that!
So the song goes on and on about their #1 love, and we come to find that the Black Out Band has gotten out of bed and left their precious video games for no reason - there's no even school today! It's conference day! That's OK though, as they've obviously caught on to the fact that the teachers themselves are at home playing video games themselves. I mean, no parents will notice if their kids' teachers aren't conference day, right?
Also, I have to call bullshit on the idea of ANY child not knowing that they don't have a day off from school. I mean, they're video game zombies and all, but even they would have to know that they can stay home!
The song ends not too much longer after this, and thankfully, I never have to hear it again if I don't want to. Their name is pretty fitting - I'd rather black out than ever listen to them again. I can think of no better song to start a fresh shipment to Abu Dhabi with.
Hell-O folks! It's been a while and Kev is ready to add to the box! This blog post has been quite the hot coal burning in the fire for a while now and I am finally ready to take it out and fire it at the unrighteous. In this case the things that suck the most.
Within the last month or so before my X-Box 360 got the red ring of death on me (Dammit!) I've been utilizing Netflix instant queue more than usual; which has allowed me more time to explore its vast, yet questionable variety of flicks that had the privilege (or curse) of being put on film. That leads me to the topic at hand. I figured our society's sucky creations in Abu Dhabi has enough music, so let's send them a movie! Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the the newest movie review to the box!
Good God almighty from the heavens do I have a barn burner for you! By that I mean you'll be so outraged and confused by this movie, you will feel the need to burn down a barn. With no animals in it of course. The only thing in it said burning barn would be the director of this film. If you choose to call him that. This shit storm of a flick is called "Rubber". Here's the trailer:
Fiddle-dee dee, where do I start with this one? That's the problem, there is no place to start. Why? Not just because this movie is terrible. Because the plot and pretty much everything else about it is a shit show. The entire idea I gathered from this was a movie directed by a hipster to make other hipsters laugh, which in reality is already far beyond my disappointment level. Let's start at the attempt of a story line. A tire named "Robert" that rises from the desert and has a mind of its own with the ability to make people's heads explode. Funny idea possibly, right? No. Apparently for some people it's easy to take a simple plot with the chance of it being funny, and mutilate it. A character in the beginning shows up in a cop car telling you immediately the movie doesn't make sense. Well no shit, because the trailer didn't show you that (sarcasm). Is it funny though? If you have a terrible sense of humor and laugh at just about anything, even long quiet pauses with really dumb shit added in between, then yes it's right up your alley. Dry jokes, some numerous boring camera shots, and a little dash of boring on top of scenes where you just have to say "Okay, now it's getting a little too redundant and it's just not funny anymore."
Throughout the story line our shit bag director decides to throw in random side scenes of a bunch of goofy people watching this whole story line go down through binoculars, then served a raw turkey as they eat it like cavemen, then start dying from eating it. What it adds to this movie? Nothing but senseless garbage that isn't even funny. See how the words "not funny" seem to be coming a constant thing in this? Meanwhile jokes are being placed throughout the movie by the characters which I assure you only the director understands them to be so well placed it's amazing. He's so wrong it hurts.Then you've got this dumb lead actress who is striving to be just the sexiest and rebellious hipster chick she can be while being oblivious on her travels while a LIVING TIRE follows her around and "wreaks havoc" along the way as it stocks her. Then the police start chasing it. Okay well to be perfectly honest with you all, here's where I stopped watching it about halfway though because I couldn't take it anymore. I got to a scene where "Robert" rolls into a hotel pool and sinks to the bottom as the camera sits and focuses on the tire sitting there for a few minutes which felt like a god damn eternity. Here is where I've decided this director should not make any type of other movie or short film if his life depended on it. My girlfriend opted out of watching this and went to bed. I truly wished I have done the same and followed it up with a warm glass of bleach to ease the pain.
And you're probably wondering "I wonder what this guy looks like". Oh, trust me he's a douche and it's truly contagious.
Here's a shot of the idiot (middle), found hanging out with Chip Hipster with the nice pink frame plastic glasses and "grimy scraggly dude who strives to look like Jesus" guy. It doesn't stop there.
Here's some douche wearing a shirt of a douche. You see how this is contagious? This is an epidemic that needs to be stopped. Maybe it already did. My goodness I'm hoping so.
I can guarantee you after seeing these pictures, that me posing with the WWE United States Championship belt standing next to a random house plant makes me look 40 times cooler and a lot less ridiculous now. Thanks for the confidence boost Mr director!
Aaaaanyway.....
I'm putting in a request somewhere to change the name of this movie from "Rubber" to "Shit" because then at least this movie would live up to its name. Curse you Netflix. If you could see how hard I'm shaking my fist right now, that movie would be off there quicker than someone could say "let's put a terrible looking movie in our instant queue and I'll watch it when I have time." Peace out Rubber. I'm glad I buried you and you will not be missed.
Once many years ago I was a little girl lost in the dark underworld of being a lonely goth ( who weirdly enough was surrounded by goth friends, so not so lonely, maybe?) So I lived my life on the darker side, my baggy pants made me look like a short round, and my burgundy hair didn't look that great but damn it I knew what I loved and that was METAL. Nu Metal to be more specific, I know, I know, its barely metal, but I was alone on this journey of musical discovery, with only Korn and Linkin Park to guide me.
During this time period in my life a little movie called Queen of the Damned came out, loosely based on the Anne Rice novel. I ate that up with a fucking spoon, I loved that movie, bought the poster, had the soundtrack, it could do no wrong. I watched it literally hundreds of times and endlessly played the sound track. Which was essentially Korn, Linkin Park, Manson, Papa Roach thrown in for good measure. So I didn't give this movie much thought for a long time after reaching adulthood. I would occasionally pop the soundtrack in and just let it go, but I guess never really paid attention to it.
About one month ago I watched the movie, alone, and it fucking sucked, bad. Like real bad. To sum it up, Lestat is not the bad ass I know and love from interview with a vampire, hes a whiny bitch. Crying about living forever, being alone, and all the while being a Rock Star. I guess he's bummed because unlike Twilight vampires, he can't have sex? So he writes all these songs, plays them with a shitty band, meets a girl, with no character basis except that she likes him? I guess. There is a weird subplot with her that makes no fucking sense because its jumbled from book to movie. (who is meant to be replaced with any goth girl in the world, this explained why I loved the movie, because what good goth girl doesn't want to walk into the eternal night with a Vampire LUV) Vampires want to kill him because he is a narc, So any way they beat the bad Queen, he makes her vampire and the walk into the night to a progressive ballad.
So after realizing what a poor showing the movie is I decided tonight to listen to the soundtrack, wow, its like its just trying so hard!
Oh yeah there was actual bizarre music videos in the movie, here are some lyrics, if the video is too much for you.
I'm over it
You see I'm falling in the vast abyss
Clouded by memories of the past
At last, I see .... We fear them finding
Always whining
Take my hand now
Be alive... You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you... Must we hide from everyone?
This song in particular is about being a vampire, being alone, and having to hide who you really are.
Sounds like a bummer right?
See the parallel?
The whole sound track is pretty much like that.
Its lame. So Abu Dhabi, I give you the gift that keeps on giving , The Queen of the Damned Soundtrack, with original songs like Slept so long (this one was my fave ha-ha), Forsaken, Redeemer, System and including Dead Cell and Down With the Sickness, how could it not be!? I can't say I won't ask for it back from time to time when I want to relive my youth or if I am on a really long solo road trip, apart from those two situations I never want to hear this crap again!. Deuces!-Ang
Around this time every year, I decide to be a glutton for punishment and take a look at the lineup for Warped Tour. You'd think I would have learned my lesson after the Brokencyde Incident of 2011, but sadly, that was not the case on this chilly, dreary Sunday morning in NEPA.
Now before we get started, let me make one thing clear - I know that it's not 2000 anymore, and that Warped Tour now offers a wider variety of music to a more diverse listening audience. It's not "punk rock" anymore (whatever that even means). Instead, it features everything from hardcore to metal-ish stuff to hip hop to dubstep (don't even get me started on THAT) to yes, occasionally, a little bit of punk.
No, seriously, only a little. Goldfinger is on the tour this year for eight days.
With that said, I can't even begin to excuse what you're about to watch being involved in Warped Tour.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you "BEST SONG EVERRR" by Wallpaper.. No, the double punctuation at the end of the sentence is not a typo - Wallpaper. is apparently a complete sentence. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about proper grammar and punctuation, but turning your "band" name into a one-word sentence is hardly the BEST PUNCTUATION EVERRR.
That's not the most ridiculous thing happening here though, as the song does a pretty good job at being the BEST RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE SONG EVERRR. The video begins as Wallpaper. (I guess that's his proper name?) appears out of nowhere, materializing out of confetti in what he would surely call the BEST CONCEPTION EVERRR. Wallpaper. makes his way through the party, and is clearly cast as the guy no one wants there as the other party guests get more and more annoyed as he goes along. I'm glad to see that my sentiments are shared by others.
So the song progresses, going on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how all of the people around are the BEST PEOPLE EVERRR, and how his Spanish-speaking skills are not the BEST SPANISH-SPEAKING SKILLS EVERRR, but it never does realize its potential as the BEST SONG EVERRR as Wallpaper. predicts. This song, to me, is like what would happen if LMFAO and Asher Roth had a baby, and while the confetti conception earlier was the BEST CONCEPTION EVERRR, this one would not share the same fate.
As the song progresses, the other partygoers start to accept Wallpaper. and start to dance and sing with him. Of course, accepting bad things into your life comes with negative consequences, and by the end of the song, the other guests are now vomiting confetti. I'll admit - towards the end of the song, I wanted to vomit too, but I don't think confetti would have been what was coming out if I did. The video ends in the BEST WAY EVERRR (if it were reality), as the whole thing just explodes back into confetti and disappears.
Well, maybe exploding into confetti isn't the most ideal solution here, but the explosion part works for me.
My message to the organizers of Warped Tour - peel the Wallpaper. off the set list and get back to the good music.
Was that the BEST JOKE EVERRR? Absolutely not, but it's still better than what we all just listened to. Off to Abu Dhabi you go!
When I first came across Sleigh Bells, it was during their Saturday Night Live performance. Actually, it was before they started performing and I saw this image of them.
Now, I like being introduced to new music and I love tough front women. So when I saw this image, I foolishly got a little excited. I mean, they look bad ass, Ponyboy from Outsiders bad ass. I know, I know. You are not suppose to judge a book by its cover. But I guess I have some shallow tendencies and in my defense this book was advertising falsely.
And let me just give everyone a little piece of advice here, dressing like a tough kid when you are not is one of the leading causes of getting your ass kicked by an actual tough kid. Just sayin'.
This is what I thought Sleigh Bells might sound like based on appearance.
I had prepared myself to hear something rocking, in the vein of The Distillers or Walls of Jericho. Hell, I would have even settled for something that sounded like Pink, because her music might not be the toughest or rawest sounding thing but, I will admit, that lady scares the shit out of me.
This is what Alexis of Sleigh Bells actually sounds like.
ANYWAY, when they finally started to perform the sound that came out of Alexis was more akin to a Power Puff Girl. Now don't get me wrong, there are times when the music definitely has some bite to it. The guitarist was in Poison the Well prior to 2003, so maybe that has something to do with it. But over all, I felt like I was tricked into thinking I was going to hear something punk, rock, or hardcore and instead I got some strange mix of electronic, new wave, noise and disappointment. You can hear what I mean for yourself...
So boys & girls, I submit Sleigh Bells for consideration to be shipped off to Abu Dhabi on the basis of major let down and false advertising.
To most people, this song seems innocent enough. In fact, most people really do enjoy this song, even if it did wind up on Songza's 100 Worst Songs Ever playlist. That's where Ashley, Irish Kev and I found it last weekend as we drove through New Jersey, and I found myself having to explain the story of the song to them. It turns out that most people don't actually know what this one is about, and as I explained it, I came to the conclusion that this one belonged in the desert permanently. I mean, they do want to escape and all.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Pina Colada song! You know, the one where Rupert Holmes likes pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain? That's what most people know the song for - I mean, it's understandable, as it's the chorus and it's kinda catchy. What people tend to miss is the verses, which luckily for you, the reader, I have time to summarize for you:
So Holmes, as the narrator, is bored with his girlfriend/wife/significant other. He finds himself reading the newspaper one night while in bed with "his lady," and is drawn to a personal ad, written by a woman who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, along with other generic personal ad things. The woman advises anyone interested to write to her and escape.
Holmes, tired of "the same old, dull routine," decides to respond directly to the ad (in record time, a trend that will continue throughout the song), saying that he does indeed joy pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. While writing, he decides that he clearly can't handle his current situation anymore, and plans a meeting time for himself and the mystery woman to escape.
The next day (again, the turn-around time is amazing in this song), our narrator heads off to the assigned meeting place of O'Malley's, and waits for his apparent new love to arrive. When she finally does, Holmes is surprised to find that it is, indeed, his current lady. The song has a happy ending, where the couple discovers new things about each other and has a good laugh over the whole thing.
Let's wait just one second here. You mean to tell me that these people were about to run off on each other, but because it was the other that they were writing to, it's OK? Absolutely not! There are some MAJOR trust issues that this couple needs to look into, and while, yes, it's nice they are learning new things about each other, they may want to learn them about someone else. I know that if I were in the same situation, I'd be asking a lot of questions, and I'm pretty sure any other sane person would do the same.
Also, when the Village People are the least-absurd looking people in a video, you've really accomplished something. Nice shirt, tie, and jacket combination, Rupert.
This behavior may work a lot better in Abu Dhabi, so off you go. Good luck getting caught in the rain, though.
Hey guess who's back? Your buddy Irish Kev with an axe, sack and a spade to verbally bury my next victim on this fun addition to the Box to Abu Dhabi. Where do I begin? Ah, yes! Okay granted I'm a bitter son of a bitch when it comes to my hatred for music popping up these days. Well this one caught my eye and it was brought to my attention by my dear friend (and Box to Abhu Dhabi creator) Matt, that I should obliterate this gem and send it back in pieces. So I'm on youtube the other day and this video popped up in the featured section. So I said to myself "this is probably going to be bad, but I'd love to see what the kids are listening to these days". And so it began. A dangerous depth-defying leap into a hideous cavern of "synth-pop" and most likely cocaine laced HIPSTER HORSESHIT! See for yourself. Do not look up this band's info, make it fun for yourself and try to figure out who's in the group, or what the deal is as a whole. Good luck and I'm so sorry.
Don't panic. I know how you feel right now.
If you are drinking any alcoholic beverages or doing anything else recreational to calm the nerves (hopefully not), I'm sorry because this probably just killed any buzz you may have acquired in the last hour or so. Okay then here's what I'm going to ask the readers at this point. How many times did you bring up questions like "Why?", "What the fuck did I just watch?" and statements such as "I don't get it." If you did these, then congratulations, you have just been inducted into the masses of the world that watched this video, heard this song and said the same exact thing! Yikes. Where do I start? So many questions, that all can't fit in my head at once! Let the burying begin. The video opens up and there's so many unanswered questions that lie ahead. It takes you to a desert with some questionable whores in a beat up car. They have their head lights on shining them at this blonde chick who looks like she has no clue where she is, obviously voluntarily drugged. This obnoxious noise in the beginning I believe can attract an alien life form (of which you will actually see once the song starts up). It sure worked in "Close encounters of the 3rd Kind". Only difference is these sounds would probably anger some and make them want to wage war on the human race. I really don't blame them in this case. Speaking of aliens, what in God's name is this thing with the pink dreads, and shiny armor? Looks like something straight out of the Heavy Metal animated movie minus the soundtrack including hits from Sammy Hagar. Whether "I can't drive 55" and other songs like that would make this viewing experience good or not is irrelevant at this point anyway. There's no turning back and I can't apologize enough. I also just read a comment underneath the video that just said "What the fuck is this?". EXACTLY! But this thing with the pink dreadlocks. Oh my god! There's an ocean, now they're swinging swords. What do swords have to do with anything? Oh I get it, they're murdering music and all good taste. No! Someone please stop these space whores from angering the aliens and music gods! They all have swords, and tipped flat brimmed hats. Oh snap, the hipster bitch mafia is in full effect folks so I hope you've got your decaf mocha's and the latest designer drugs ready. Now they show the blonde girl singing. Kids this is what it looks like when Baby Spice from the Spice Girls decides to lock herself in a room with a television, turns to doing drugs, then decides to watch too much anime. Any questions? Sure you do, you're still trying to figure what you've just watched! Oh no, I'm not done! Then you saw "Cocaine Spice" in a limo in the suburbs playing with a snake. God only hoped it was poisonous and bit her so she can stop making music. I guess we're not all that lucky. Now the alien woman is walking down the street eating a lollipop. Now there's MORE hipsters just hanging out in the background. You know the ones that most likely get drunk off of some unknown horrible liquor and thought it would be funny to show up at a local music venue during a hardcore or punk show and get their asses kicked, then talk shit to all of their friends the next day at the local hookah lounge. Now they are driving around in Daddy's new SUV they borrowed to shoot this video. Now more hipsters standing there dancing like idiots! I'm serious, as I write this, I'm watching this and getting legit pissed off! Honey please put down the road flare, you're going to hurt yourself. Wait, scratch that, hurt yourself. Please! Now she has a morning star. Who the fuck gave these people medieval weapons? Why are there more hipster women doing back flips? So many questions so little time. WHAT?!?!? Now she's holding a flaming sword? What is with the swords? Then the alien chick is standing next to our coked out friend, she's staring right at you! She just looked into your soul. She knows what she's doing is awful. I don't feel sorry for her and so help me God, you better not either! Now we have more running around with road flares. Okay I'm done with this video, it's over and I am very angry and disgusted. So here's where my rage continues. What's is this atrocity I just watched? Is this a person? Is this a group? Are they a group trying to rip off those "famous lesbians" from Tatu? Who let these things into a music studio? Who funded their music video? Why God why? I want answers! So I went on the "bathroom stall wall of the internet" aka Wikipedia and looked it up. Here are the painful facts. It's one person (the coked out looking Spice Girl), and she's from British Columbia, Canada. Makes sense as I'm sure there's nothing to do there other than listen to one of my favorite Canadian punk bands, D.O.A. Okay Grimes, so what the fuck, just go do that! But no you have to go do drugs, make no sense, and make horrible music. Good job for taking away a worthy musician's air time. Oh yeah, that's another fact, she sucks. I was told her style of music is "tween wave". More like Suck Wave! For the record to confirm her awful technique, I checked on another video she does and it's her dancing around in front of a blue screen with more hipster tool bags just sitting around hanging out. What a waste. With that said I think I buried this dumb bitch deep enough. Off to Abhu Dhabi you go where I'm sure there's lots of deserts to shoot more shitty videos at. No, you can't bring your Daddy's SUV with you either. At this point you'll listen to anything that will cleanse the head and ears. Repeat as needed. You should go do that now. Come to think of it, here's something GOOD that came out of British Columbia that's a little more tolerable and even enjoyable. D.O.A.! There's your prescription so now consider the doctor currently out of the office.
Don't ask me where it started, who started it, or why it started, but for some reason, there was once a trend where techno music featured computer-animated animals. I have a feeling it had something to do with the success of the mid-2000s group Gorillaz, who were not people, but cartoons. That said, their songs were actually good compared to the nonsense we're about to send packing.
Abu Dhabi, meet Crazy Frog (who apparently, according to Wikipedia, started with the name The Annoying Thing - they should have kept the literal name so that you knew what to expect before you listened to them...though, in reality, would you expect anything good from an act called Crazy Frog? Wow, I'm rambling...). I have no idea who Crazy Frog is...or, at least, I don't know who the person that made the music is. The track is harmless enough, I suppose, so I'm not sure why it could not have just had a human representing it. That said, they're clever enough to sneak in the thought-provoking lyrics of "ribbit ribbit" to hammer home the fact that, yes, indeed, a FROG IS MAKING TECHNO MUSIC. I had to look long and hard for a video to actually post here, as videos from their official Vevo page (who gave these guys one of those?!?) is blocked in America by the page's uploaders. Much appreciated, guys!
Also, watching the video, I haven't quite figured out why this frog is supposed to be crazy. He's not exactly in some crazy situation - unless you count a frog going fishing to be crazy. He just looks kind of disgruntled, which isn't really crazy at all, and just makes me think of one thing:
Just like shirts where Tweety Bird is the epitome of attitude, Crazy Frog needs to hop on over to Abu Dhabi.
Disney may have owned the Cyrus family for a quite a while, but there was one member in particular it was very obvious that they didn't. Trace Cyrus, the singer and lead guitar player from Metro Station seemed to have no family values at all, which was made obvious in the 2008 song "Shake It." It starts out seeming like any other innuendo-filled teen pop song with the line
"I'll take you home if you don't leave me at the front door
Your body's cold, but girl, we're getting so warm"
Okay, so we are implying the intent for sex. I never thought it would go this far though. Not from a Cyrus.
"And I was thinking of ways that I could get inside."
Holy shit.
The song then continues to ask what you would do when touched, and demands that everybody "Shake it." Apparently the young men of Metro Station get exactly what they were looking for, as the hero (?) and herione (?) of this song are now in the bed, but their clothes are lying "right there."
The worst part is that this song hit double platinum by the end of January 2009 and actually hit #10 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.
No. The worst part is that the song is so damn catchy. But don't let it's fun beats fool you, Abu Dhabi, you'll be wishing we had never sent this one over.
Even though I'm a Giants fan, I can't help but blame Phil Simms, at least a little, for what we're about to have to endure.
Just after the Giants won Super Bowl XXI, Simms made his proclamation that the only way to celebrate his new ring was to head to Disney (pending the $75,000 they paid him to say it). He was the first to do this, and started a long tradition of Super Bowl winners who were going to head to Florida and/or California to relax after a hard-fought victory.
That said, it was meant to be an advertising vehicle for the parks, not the basis for a horrible song.
Back in 1992 (if the video didn't give that away), Dada decided to set the vacation industry back about 300 years by releasing "Dizz Knee Land," where they discuss a number of things that aren't exactly epic...or noteworthy...or particularly good...and how they're going to go to Dis...err...(damn copyrights)...DIZZ KNEE LAND to celebrate. Seriously, they talk about flipping off the President (how edgy!), drinking gin, and getting arrested, and saying that's a reason to pack the car and go visit Mickey.
But wait - no, it's not about Disney at all. No way. In fact, to make sure that you know it has nothing to do with the park, Dada's bass player, Joie Calio, said this about the track in an interview:
"The song isn't about Disneyland at all. It's not about Disneyland. It... has nothing to do with Disneyland, actually. It has more to do with the craziness of the juxtaposition of the state of your every day. Just looking around you. You could see a guy's head being chopped off and, you know, a leg flying away and someone embracing someone in a lovely kiss and then flip the channel and then a chainsaw goes buzzing through, you know, some butter and it accidentally cuts your mom's head off and then you flip again and they're making love and then you flip again and it's (Joe) Montana going 'I'm going to Disneyland.' You know, it's just that whole thing, how insane it is, but you know, it's just the natural state. I don't think we're making a, we're not pointing our fingers. We're just... it just is, and we're just singin' it."
Umm...what??? So basically, the first thing they want you to think of when you think of Disney is someone being decapitated. Yeah, that's cheery. Who wants to ride Space Mountain???
No, Ric, no one called for you.
To make matters worse, the video has random objects flying across the screen for no discernable reason (what do that fish or the troll dolls have to do with anything?!?), and the band looks like every stereotype from 1992 that you could possibly have. Flannel? Check. Longish hair? Check. Backwards baseball cap? Check.
I just heard this song for the first time three weeks ago, but now I wish I could go back and erase it from my memory forever. Abu Dhabi, please take this one away and keep it for a permanent vacation. Just don't let it on any amusement park rides - it doesn't deserve it.
Ah, yes. Do you remember the late 90’s? If you were alive during that time and flipped on the radio, you would’ve been treated with what has been labeled “rapcore.” With the many failings of that name aside, this nu-metal movement birthed many of future box participants. The most offensive of these groups originated in Jacksonville, Florida named Limp Bizkit. Fred Durst, the infamous frontman of this group, came up with the name saying, “The name is there to turn people's heads away. A lot of people pick up the disc and go, 'Limp Bizkit. Oh, they must suck.' Those are the people that we don't even want listening to our music." Well, Fred,
He’s loving it.
The song that I am shipping into the desert on this Sunday night was the anthem of 2001. Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle) was featured on the aptly named “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” and went to the top of the charts, and MTV’s TRL. Ah, TRL you will be written about in the future. The theme of Rollin’(Air Raid Vehicle) consists of childish banter of Limp Bizkit being better than another band or someone else. I’m not sure which. But I know I need to get some better beats, and uh, get some better rhymes - D’oh!. Maybe one day I will strive for better beats and rhymes. Interesting fact: The shots in the video of the band performing on a rooftop were shot on the south tower of the World Trade Center. Now, I could make a comment about pushing the date of the video shoot to a more convenient day, but it may still be "too soon" to make 9-11 jokes. Instead, I'll just leave this here:
For those of you who are with me, play this game I've linked below: "Kill Fred Durst. Hopefully, the link works.
Hello faithful readers! I bring to you my latest shipment to
Abu Dhabi – Chris Brown; the woman beating, lip-synching, arrogant bastard extraordinaire.
As, I’m assuming all of you know, Chris Brown is a R&B
artist that is most notably known for his dancing abilities, his singing
abilities and his face bashing abilities. He has had such memorable songs as “Run
It”, “Kiss, Kiss” and “No Air”. All of which are heavily auto tuned, produced
and show little to his actual music abilities. I will give Chris credit for his
dancing abilities, he is by far one of the most talented dancers I’ve ever seen
– and I’ve seen the Jabbawokeez live and in person.
The main reason I feel that Mr. Brown should be sent to Abu
Dhabi stems from his 2008 domestic abuse case in which (for lack of a better
term) beat Rhianna’s face in. As far as my knowledge, Chris has never fully
accepted responsibility for his actions other than releasing a statement immediately
following the incident and releasing a YouTube video apologizing. The statement
read “Words cannot express how sorry and saddened I am over what happened.”
First of all, your publicist dream team probably wrote your statement
and you probably didn’t even proof read it. Second of all, A YOUTUBE VIDEO!? That’s about as meaningful as sending a VHS to
apologize in 1995. Man up and apologize live, not in front of a flip cam
reading what someone else wrote for you to say.
After I wrote this, I discovered that Mr. Brown did go on
Larry King and apologize and made a bunch of excuses about his childhood being
abusive. As a professional, I do know
that if you are abused as a child you are more likely to repeat the action
later in life – however, it doesn’t make it okay.
Let’s fast forward from 2009 to 2011 during an interview
were the assault was brought up to Mr. Brown. He stormed off stage, trashed a
dressing room and broke a window. Well,
that’s showing you’ve learned to deal with your anger issues. People are going
to question you on this for the rest of your career – get used to it.
Personally, in my world, there is no excuse for beating a
person (man or woman) to the point that they require hospitalization. It’s one
of the most inexcusable acts a person can commit and when it is committed
against a person you supposedly love – its past inexcusable, it’s downright disgusting.
I cannot image becoming a fan of this man after this all transpired, it’s
basically supporting domestic violence.
As One Republic would say, "It's too late to 'pologize".
-Ashley
**The views expressed in this post are the views of the author (and all sensible human beings**
Allow me to introduce you to Gabriela and Monica Irimia, twin sisters from Romania, better know as The Cheeky Girls. At the height of their fame between 2002 and 2004 they had 4 top ten hits in the UK. I wouldn't exactly call them hits but, hey I guess the UK has a twisted taste in music. They were best know for this debacle.
I am not sure how "Touch my bum, this is life', makes any sense or gets you a top hit.... BUT HEY.
Since then it has been nothing but a fast decline with major money issues, charges of shoplifting and an appearance on Britain's Got Talent. They did try to make a come back with a Cheeky Girls make-up line aimed at teens but, let's be honest, these two shouldn't be marketing anything towards young people. So lets pack them up for good before anymore damage is done!
911: "911, what's your emergency?"
Caller: "I feel like I'm being raped, but there's nobody here! Help me!"
"If I were invisible, I would make you mine tonight."
Sounds more like a threat to me than anything, Clay Aiken.
I can't think of many songs that are much creepier than this one. Clay Aiken could have been a superstar, but when his breakout single "Invisible" came out, all anyone could think was that he sounded like a crazed stalker. Abu Dhabi, please take this song and let us have the sweet, personable Clay that America's 99% sure they all voted to be a winner.
Looks like it's my turn to fuel the fire and keep the postal service in business. I have to admit, this is the first time I'm writing about a video/song that almost left me speechless and barely anything to say to cut this thing into pieces. Let's get right to it. This pretty much speaks for itself.
Jan Terri folks. Give it up! Now you're probably asking yourself "what the fuck did I just watch?". I can tell you. Crap. Where do I start with this? Let's start with the production. Home video at it's finest chopped up and edited by somebody who obviously didn't care about this enough to make it worth watching. At all. The song has horribly painful late 80's written all over it. The video and music opens up like we're about to watch "Good Morning (Insert City here)". "What a beautiful day in sunny Chicago everyone!" Here comes the limo, who could it be? No one special, just an amazing hairdo that would even put a poodle to shame. At first I thought this was a friend of my grandmother's, then I realized I don't know anyone with this much of a lack of talent or fashion sense. Where is she going, I have no clue. Now we're in the park. God damn, look at that foupa and that massive belt holding up a sack of rotten potatoes. That's awful. Clearly by her facial reactions, she's a rebel and a force to indeed to be reckoned with at the pizza buffet. She's starting to reminisce about a guy that has a striking resemblance to former WCW Wrestling star Magnum TA. Would that guy hang with a broad this hideous, I wouldn't put it past him. Unless he plays for the other team and is just playing mind games with her. Enough about Magnum TA. How the hell did I come up with that one? Moving on. They attempt to paint a picture of some type of story of heartbreak and uncomfortable motorcycle rides. And yes, that guy parks in the "No Parking zone" because he's a rebel and him parked under the sign confirms this notion along with that wonderful black fringed jacket. Keep watching and you'll see more unsuccessful lip syncing and an excellent shot of a pipe pumping dirty water into that pond. The camera crew has really out done itself this time! Take a break guys, you deserve it right after you decide to make this video watchable, which is never. You're fired. At least Jan Terri looks great. Wrong again. Don't ever work in production again. That's all there really is to this video. Here's the storyline that I've come up with: Terrible. A bunch of unfulfilled walks down the street followed by a bike riding, foupa flashing suck fest. Then she gets on a plane. The end. Abu Dhabi, boy are you going to enjoy this one! And for god sakes, keep it!
In the wrestling business, there's a locker room custom that states that you are to introduce yourself to everyone that you do not know in said locker room. Without getting into too much detail, not doing this is a giant breach of etiquette, and I've seen instances where people have been singled out for not following this tradition and embarassed to the point that they never returned to the promotion. Hell, WWE even made a gimmick out of it at one point.
That said, you only have to introduce yourself when you're meeting someone for the first time. After that, it's perfectly acceptable to just say hello and continue along.
This brings me to tonight's post, based on someone who just doesn't get that idea.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Jason Derulo. Actually, I take that back - our new friend Jason does a pretty good job of doing that himself.
I'm surprised - I actually thought there were a lot more than three examples when I started writing this post. That's not important, though, as introducing yourself to an audience three times is really more than enough. I mean, really, we got it the first time. The second time? Sure, that doesn't hurt, just to be safe, but that's starting to border on unnecessary. Introducing yourself a third time, though? Now that's just too much. We get it - we know your name, Jason (if I may call you that - I mean, after three introductions, we should really be on a first name basis, as now we're practically best friends). That's not even a creative gimmick to have. All it does is get a horribly autotuned version of some guy's name stuck in your head for what feels like an eternity.
Oh, and did I mention how his music completely sucks? It's as run-of-the-mill as it can possibly be. I've heard more inspired music on episodes of Phineas and Ferb.
In reality, that was an excuse to post a video from Phineas and Ferb (like a 30 year old guy needs one of those!), but seriously - this stuff is FAR more sophisticated that "you're my it girl/baby you're the shit girl." With lines like that, I bet he has to fight the ladies off with a stick!
Or maybe because he has songs on the radio. Yeah, that's more likely.
There's plenty of new people to introduce yourself to in Abu Dhabi, Jason Derulo (said in autotuned tones). Please, go meet them. Leave us all alone.
Formed by English pop band in 1989, the brothers Richard and Fred Fairbrass were seasoned veterans of touring. Shorty after being joined by Robert Manzoli in 1990, the group released their most popular single, “I’m Too Sexy” on Tug reocrds.In Fact, Right Said Fred are the first UK artists since the Beatles to reach the No. 1 slot in the U.S. with a debut single.
I know, right.
I was going to write a dissertation on this song, but I’m just too sexy for this post. Just watch the video and relive the early 90’s commentary on the overzealous fashion industry.
This past summer. Here is a synopsis of the Facebook status updates I saw.
"Bored"
"Sick"
"Misc Dirty Laundry Airing"
"Pregnant!"
" ...Well That's alright because I love the way you lie"
" Just gonna stand there and watch me burn"
"Guess that's why they call it window pain"
statuses with lyrics from " Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars... I could really use a wish right now" , "Love the Way You Lie", "Hey Soul Sister", & "Fireflies" (already in the box thank god). way overdone.
I don;t mind the earlier ones, minus the dirty laundry airing. Which on occasion can be fun. What I do mind is the last 3. Quotes from Eminem's "Love the Way you Lie" Featuring Rihanna.
The song in and of itself is not bad. It is kind of good, in a sad, disturbing kind of way. Has a good hook, tragic content, decent video.
You may be asking why is it going in the box then?
Well because frankly I got so burnt out of it due to the endless status updates. The rest of those song status updates were equally annoying but, the frequency was beyond compare.
Wait Ang, maybe it's the people you know...
Imagine my surprise, while logged on my husband's Facebook and saw the same status sprinkled all about.
Here is the vidya for anyone who hasn't been privy to this song.
I was once, and I guess sort of still am a pretty big fan of Eminem, and it has been no secret that he has a very volatile relationship with Kim, his wife, fiancee, girlfriend, murder victim, whore, love of his life,baby mama, etc. Its sick and its sad, but it has been documented in a ton of his songs. In any case this song tells the story of a terrible relationship, with abuse, but not wanting to let go on both ends. When its great its amazing and when its bad, its violent and awful.
My problem is people thinking because their boyfriend left the seat up this was a reason to make " Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" and update, nor is your husband staying out to late , as in said he would be home at 8pm but arrives at 815pm and says it was traffic merit "love the way you lie"
These people are fucking stupid. Truthfully I deleted most of these people because their updates in general were stupid, but these types of updates just put me over the edge. So because of this I now have to put a song I like into the box and send it away to prevent people from annoying me with it. So take it away before I change my mind Abu Dhabi, hopefully you can use it more responsibly. I'll send it to you on a raft set blaze, watching it burn as it floats off in the distance. :)
-Angie
