Proper identification, please.

Every once in a while, a musician comes along that is so powerful, their name becomes bigger than music.

This is not one of those times, however.  In fact, that's pretty impossible to do when nobody appears to know your name.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Ting Tings.  Based out of the UK, the duo hit the mainstream music scene in 2008 with their debut album, We Started Nothing.  It should be noted that according to Wikipedia (which is, of course, a wealth of important and highly accurate information), the album was officially released six days before it was leaked onto the Internet.  They can't even get the proper order of "leak then release" correct.

Apparently, in their debut single "That's Not My Name," our lead singer has an issue where people seemingly forget her name all the time.  They attempt to address her in a number of ways, including "Stacey," "Jane," and even names that aren't actually names like "hell" and "her."  

What is her name, you may ask?  That's the problem - she never actually tells us!  Instead of identifying herself, she just tells us that everyone has guessed incorrectly, saying "that's not my name" over...and over...and over...AND OVER AGAIN.  If you want us to call you by the right name, shouldn't you at least tell us what that name is?  It seems pretty counterproductive if you ask me.

Others have tried this method of people not knowing who an artist is in the past, and believe it or not, it has not helped to get their name out there:

These days, nobody wants to know who Jimmy Ray is (though, in all fairness, it can be debated if anyone wanted to know then, either).  Sadly, The Ting Tings have not followed Jimmy Ray down to the road to obscurity, as they are scheduled to have a new album released later this month.

Ironically enough, it currently doesn't have a name.

-Matt

Wonder Woman: German, likes drugs, and is mother of zombie turtle boy?

Hello everyone, and welcome to another hateful/fun-filled installment of "Box to Abu Dhabi," where my dear friends (and myself in this case) came across people and things that need to be packed up in a box, and sent to Abu Dhabi never to return. If it were only true. So in this case, I would like to apologize in advance to that country for what I'm about to postmark.


I'm warning you now: this video is going to take away three minutes of your life you'll never get back. So it's up to me to do you all a favor and tear it a new asshole, bundle it up, and have U.S. Soccer player Landon Donovan to boot the fucking thing into a void of no return....Here it is:



::In my best dracula voice:: Bahahahahaha!!! Good evening boys and ghouls! Welcome to Mount Suck-ulah!! Be afraid, be very afraid...or mildly disgusted, that's your choice. The 2nd one would most likely be more of your mortal reaction. I'm not home at the current time but my cracked out mistress will be sure to show you around!! hahahahaha!! :end dracula impression::

If you watched this and your first reaction was "What the fuck did I just watch?", you are not alone. You may have seen clips of this horror of this trainwreck on an episode of Beavis and Butt-Head, but I'm here to show you this abomination in its entirety. Let's start from the beginning. We see a skull "mountain" and some 80s-esque strobe lights that would give someone a seizure and special effects that your local high school A/V department can whip up in a matter of minutes. The camera fades into a cob-webbed cave scene that even any low grade halloween supplies company would get pissed off about. You then see a man that basically looks like he's just been shitcanned by a gang of fire extinguishers and seems to be threatened by the director at gun point not to move on set. Wait..what's this...It's Wonder Woman!.....on....crack? This is starting to look very bad. Who the hell is this? Someone named Nina Hagen? Huh? This broad comes staggering on set to sing a song about a guy named Herman? Herman Munster? Nah, just that douche covered in white. I'm thinking she's singing/puking in German? Maybe? ahh fuck it, who cares. She has a Wonder Woman head band on and wearing make-up that resembles the world renknowned "I like Turtles!" kid. If you need a visual of what this kid looks like, here's an idea.



Her Son? Maybe they'e related? Anyway, then the rest of her costume just doesn't work. Yo bitch, where'd you get that cape? A KISS convention? Gene Simmons wants his cape back! How dare you insult the God of Thunder! Blasphemy!!! I'm not fluent in German, but just by her "singing" it sounds like she's getting a fist shoved down her throat leaving her groaning and gasping for air. A muzzle and a foot up the ass would have sufficed...or the destruction of this video shoot in general. And good god, look at those armpits! Get a weedwacker in there. Just a heads up ladies - not shaving your armpits does not enhance your look of evil, it just looks gross. Then if the video couldn't get any stranger, here comes more breathtaking visuals. Druggie's face is in the skull and she is talking in a robotic voice. Hmm...I am either speechless, angry or confused. I'm not sure yet. They fade back into Madame Shitstorm's Cave of Fail where now she appears to be having an old fashioned pro wrestling "Test of Strength" with the guy still standing there covered in cob webs most likely bought from Party City. It suddenly starts to look like she starts coming down from her drug high as she starts getting confused and running around....Aaaaaargh this needs to end...ok..some keyboards(?)...a shitty guitar solo..one more special effect which I'm sure went over the budget aaaaand...it's finally over. And if you look to the top right at the end of your screen it says "Treatment clinic" on top of the doorway. A Methadone one I hope for this lady's sake.

The moral of this story is, crack and cocaine are bad...so is sucking. You put them together, and whoa...just..no...horrible.

Off to Abu Dhabi with you. Donovan kicks, he scoooores! GOOAAALLL!

Welp, that's all I got for now. Thanks to my friends for letting me in on a blog on this wonderful website. And for the rest of you I hope you enjoyed my little insert. In the meantime, stay thirsty my friends!

Irish Kev

This song doesn't take anyone to O-Town.

At the turn of the century, the music industry was exploding with boy bands. N’Sync, and Backstreet Boys were kings of the mountain, and of course, other people see the money flowing and try to capitalize on the excesses. Lou Pearlman, god of the corporately fabricated “artists” ( see N’Sync), decided to bring his method of hand-picking individuals for a group into the forefront of American consciousness by launching a show that aired on ABC entitled “Making the Band.” The first season showcased selection and “talent” of the individuals of the pop group. Yes, you read that correctly: The First Season. This show went on to complete a total of three seasons, all about O-Town.

After the first season, they were signed to Clive Davis’ J-Records, and with help from the popularity of the television show, their first album, “O-Town” sold over two million copies. Their single, “Liquid Dreams” (saved for another post down the road) reached #10 on the Billboard Hot 100. As with most “boy bands,” the end came when they decided to show that they were “true” artists. The success of the first album granted them more artistic freedom to write and produce their own songs. The album was eventually released but the moderate reception led to the emancipation of O-Town from their record contract.

The song “We Fit Together”, off their debut album, showcased the talent of this corporate band and is what brings us together today. As the last single off their first album, this was meant to bridge the gap between albums. Although MTV.com lists this song as #4 on TRL: Top Boy Band Videos, this was not a strong enough song to save the band.  The video showcases beach excesses and opens with a yacht tearing through the water while the guys stroll the beach. Speaking of the guys, what is up with the Marky Mark look-alike with dreads? Just to be clear, wearing a fedora with a doo rag and playing a guitar does not a musician make. I suppose he is the “bad boy” of the group.

 Anyhow, out of all of those girls on the boat, why are they ALL attracted to one girl? What does that say for that girl? Apparently, she is the girl from Impanema. Where is Impanema you may ask? I have no clue. This typical song about a guy (or incidentally, guy’s) infatuation about a girl goes sour with not necessarily offensive, but just crudely, non-creative lyrics. “How many triple x dreams that’s been starring you?” “I wanna go ‘Knock, Knock’ our bodies to the beat?” I’m sure it worked on this one girl from Impanema.  It ends with the refrain of “I wanna go all night, can I go inside.” I do believe that that line does not need explanation but is posted here to show the rudimentary lyrics presented.

Submitted for you approval, O-Town’s “We Fit Together” will be boxed, taped, locked, and shipped to Abu Dhabi. 

-Todd

I'm not exactly tickled pink by this song.

I blame the Y2K bug.

Back in 2000, the music world was introduced to Pink, a new pop singer straight out of the Philadelphia area.   Complete with pink hair (to match her name - so clever!), her first single, "There You Go," took over the airwaves for what seemed like an eternity, and sold enough copies that record executives thought it would be a good idea for her to keep making music and terrorizing the American public.

If none of that had ever happened, we never would have had to deal with this:

Somewhere between 2000 and 2008, Pink (now spelled P!nk, apparently) decided that Kool-Aid hair was no longer going to be her gimmick, and instead, she was going to be one tough bitch.  She proved her supposed-toughness in the single "So What," where she goes on and on and on and on and on about how she wants to start a fight with basically anyone who gets in her way.  Because she's one tough bitch, you see.  This all starts because her husband has left her/she left her husband/they're back together and angry at each other/whatever other fucking story they have for their relationship this week.  I only say this because he left...but he's in the video...but they're angry at each other...but then they're hugging it out...but then she's angry again.

I guess it's hard to control your emotions when you're one tough bitch.

But anyway, P!nk goes on to ask the listener to "check her flow" like she's Biggie or something, and goes on to tell another story of how she lost her table at a restaurant to Jessica Simpson, who hadn't been relevant since approximately...well....ever.  In fact, here are people that were more relevant than Jessica Simpson at the time:

But this is all OK, and do you know why?  Because not only is P!nk one tough bitch, but she's also a rock star!  That's right - it doesn't matter who gets in her way, and who she needs to fight, because she's a rock star!  She's got her rock moves!

...wait, what?  What the fuck are rock moves?  Sadly, P!nk never explains just what they are, and Webster's offers no explanation.  To be honest, the only rock moves I know are these:

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, P!nk, it's off to Abu Dhabi you go.  I can already hear her challenging me to a fight in my head...

-Matt

Oh how I miss the days...

...of going to a club, seeing a band play and watching every dumb ass overly generic, semi chubby chick swoon when the first couple of familiar notes to this song rang out. And I though to myself "Formula is perfect. Pleasing guitar tone, easy tempo, smooth melody. This is it, this is what I need to try and do. Write a ballad."

It wasn't an easy decision to come to. I mean especially after really piecing apart the words to get to the underlying message:

"Honey why are you calling me so late?"-Confusion. He's comfortable enough to call her honey but, caught of  guard by the hour she has decided to reach him.

"It's kinda hard to talk right now"-Odd, for a man who is concerned with the late night call. What could he possibly be doing?

"Honey why are you crying, is everything okay?"-Alarm. She is obviously upset. Maybe due to his rigorous touring schedule she missed her 4:45pm call right before show time and she felt like hearing his voice would get her through the night...what a great guy.

"I gotta whisper ?cause I can't be too loud"-Can this man get any sweeter?? He is concerned he might wake his roady who is only know by people as Mad Dawg, from his drug induced coma... thoughtful!!

"Well, my girl's in the next room"-.....



....HOLY CRAP HE'S BANGING 2 CHICKS AND ONE OF THEM DOESN'T KNOW IT!!!!

As I learned that this man was no saint and certainly no type of a role model I looked around the smoke filled bar and saw every chick in the place swooning and swaying as if they were thinking "When can I find a guy like that? He's so sensitive."

Again I say DUMB ASSES!!

This song is terrible, people that like this song are terrible, chicks that wave their cell phones at cover bands that play this song are terrible and the only thing that is worse than being  Nickelback is trying to be Nickelback. Hinder, I hate you.

I would like this song to be shot, dragged a quarter mile and then stuffed in a box tagged for Abu Dhabi without a return address never to be heard again. 

-Charlie

Words to make any woman swoon.

You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex. 
Whenever I'm approached by a young suitor, I like this to be the first words out of his mouth. 

You know, unless I'm looking for respect and a meaningful relationship. Like most women.

I had never heard "So Hott" by Kid Rock until my boyfriend's cover band decided to start playing it at bars. As it turns out, people love this song. It makes them dance. I must be a weirdo, because it makes me feel dirty.

I am positive that this song was written on the basis of a challenge for Kid Rock. Someone walked up to him and said "Dude, I don't believe that you're white trash." And as his way to prove this person wrong, he wrote this horrible song. Now we all have to suffer because of someone else's doubt. It always seems like one person ruins things for the masses, and now I'm going to ruin things for the population of Abu Dhabi by sending this gem over. 


-Rebecca

Who Gives A Hoot?

Owl City that is who. more specifically the song writer and performer  Adam Young  The steaming pile of diarrhea and focal point of this contribution is a little pile of word vomit known as Fireflies. There is not one song or video I think I hate more in the history of music and music videos..  I hate the lyrics, the synthesizer use, and that stupid whiny mo-fo's voice.  More than anything, I hate  people that proclaim this their favorite song.  To which i silently respond WHAT THE FUCK!? 

Let us start with an examination of some of these fine lyrics.

"You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies (WTF?)
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere (Not sure..)
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and
Stare" (Who would fucking?)

This Horrifying sight is what 10 MILLION FIREFLIES MIGHT LOOK LIKE 

If i looked out my fucking window and saw this I would shit my fucking pants!

But, I digress

Lets continue.

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs (Not hugs from all of them)
As they tried to teach my how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock-hop beneath my bed ( I was not aware that insects danced)
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread 

I am aware that our friend Adam wrote this song as he was trying to fall asleep one night, but it really seems like something my four year old nephew came up with .  You know one of those little kid, sitting in the tub songs we have all made up from time to time.  This song was also supposed to bring back he Synthesizer Pop movement. ( I guess Ke$ha is allegedly doing this too?)

Synth Pop is a funny things, here is a much better example of it.  Ok the lyrics aren't the best.  This song is classic!!

Lets make a comparison with "FireFlies"

Starts out with the crappy little music box beat, then this douche bag at the organ, clicks a button labeled  "magic" Oh good, maybe the song will stop now?! No.  This is just the beginning. Magic seems to mean all your lamps come on and toys come to life which reminds me of a horrible childhood memory.

(maybe this is why I hate the video so much)

The music video continues on in this fashion whiny voice guy + plus 1977 bed room + creepy toys wondering about = Horrible.  OH YEAH did I mention not one damn firefly int the whole production.  

I think this guy "Making himself believe that planet earth turns slowly" makes the song last longer. It just gets under my skin, until I feel compelled to comment on it ( Who put this on? lol).  Not once but twice has this comment been met with " THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG."  

Which just makes me want to scream WHY?! OUT OF ALL THE INFINITE AMOUNTS OF MUSIC OUT THERE.  AMAZING SONGS! WHY IS THIS THE ONE THAT DOES IT FOR YOU!?

My conclusion, probably brain dead.  That is what I am sticking to.  So farewell creepy fireflies song and guy. (Why does he have so many fucking toys anyway?)  Abu Dhabi, I apologize again for this horrible fucking disgrace of a song!!!

----Angie