Closing the box on 2011...

2011 wasn't exactly a banner year for music.  There was a LOT of bad stuff out there this year, attempting to destroy our eardrums and faith in the entire music industry all at once.

Thankfully, you have us, the Abu Dhabi Box Committee, to clean things up and provide hope for the future that such atrocities are never heard from again.  In this SUPER MEGA POST, you'll hear from each member of the Committee, weighing in on what should be shipped off to the shores of Abu Dhabi from the past 365 days.

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Ladies and gentlemen. Children of most ages (if it's ok with your parents) I give you my submission for the Box to Abu Dhabi. First though I'd like to state that I love our country and one of the things I love most is that we are all given the right to speak our minds. Regardless of the topic at hand we were all lucky enough to be raised and to live in this land were it is ok to have an opinion. Having said that I give you my selection.

I do want to mention one more thing. I went on a research trip on YouTube just now through the Billboard Top 50 Charted songs for 2011 to make sure this was in fact my least favorite. Though there was a lot of shit, including F**k you Tonight by Enrique Iglesias and everything that Kesha or Britney "I'm a wash up and don't realize it" Spears did, I feel that this was a pile to be recognized all by itself.

I give you Adele "Someone like you"





It's Fucking Terrible!!!!!!

 I am so tired of people making this broad out to be some amazing talent. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if this voice was coming from someone that was a size 2 instead of a men's 36 she would have had one hit and would have been forgotten about. But NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The media had to look at her and be like "WOOOOOO FATTY CAN SING!!!!!!" Now we're stuck with every pile of crap, I miss you but, I don't, love song this lady writes.

Now don't get me wrong I think she has some level of talent but, not the kind that justifies a rotation of this song every 1/2 fucking hour. Her voice is mediocre at best and honestly I would have been fine with one hit but, if the mainstream media is expecting me to entertain what they feel is the next big, force fed over produced piece of garbage, well I guess it's time to consider getting an XM account.

I will pay big money for the disappearance of this song. I want it rubbed out. And if that were to include dropping it into an unmarked box of some sort in order to be shipped to an area of the world that no one really knows about well than I guess accidents happen every day and people should be a little more careful when they stand so close to boxes.

-Charlie

P.S. Pitbull... You're the worst musician ever and I hope Beethoven, John Lennon, Michael Jackson, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Johan Sebastian Bach and what the hell even Left Eye all come back from the grave and go Walking Dead on your ass because I hate you.

That is all.
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Zakk Wylde. A well-known and respected guitar player. Ludacris. A well-known and respected rapper. Put the two together and what you should find is music magic.

...but it would appear that someone has poisoned the well.

Chad Kroeger. The well-known but not very respected front man for Nickleback. My Darkest Days. No one knows them, and anyone who does certainly does not respect them. They shit out a song they call "Porn Star Dancing" and put all of these other famous names on it. They then proceeded to only do the first verse and the chorus. Chad Kroeger performs the second verse, Zakk Wylde does the solo and Ludacris, well.. he does what Luda does. But even the good names added on to this song couldn't make it any good. Not even close to decent.

And for the record, strippers dance. Porn stars have sex on film. Just sayin.

- Rebecca
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Instead of going right into my pick for the worst song of the year, I'll let you hear the song that influenced my selection.

Yes, it's the timeless classic, "I've Had the Time of My Life," best known for its use in the movie Dirty Dancing.  While we never really heard from Bill Medley or Jennifer Warnes again, this track solidified their legacy. 

That is, until the Black Eyed Peas came along.

I'm not sure what made Will.I.Am and Fergie think this was a good idea, but in late 2010 (which means it was sadly played ad nauseum for the entirety of 2011), the Peas decided to get back together and release "The Time (Dirty Bit)."  At first, it sounds inoffensive enough - the synthesizer comes in, vaguely sounding like the original, to the point where you think it's simply going to be a cover.

But no, the Black Eyed Peas can never do things that easily, and out of nowhere, the most awkward transition comes into the song while someone decides to make the bold statement of "DIRTY BIT" and a really, really subpar dance track starts up.  As you see in the video, the viewer is whisked off to some seedy underground dance club where everyone pixelates for no reason.  Sadly, that does not occur in reality, and the song continues.

The song goes on and on and on and on and on and on, talking about partying with freaky women and having a good time, which coincidentally, I am not doing while listening to the track.  Fergie is sure to chime in and let the listener know that if you didn't know previously, well, "now you know now."  Just what that means I'm not sure, but I guess I'm in the minority, because I sure don't know.

Somewhere, the careers of Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes are rolling in their graves, and the people themselves are just rolling somewhere (as I don't believe they're dead), wondering why they're rolling.  I'm not sure the Peas could have made the song any worse if they had tried, and trust me, I'm sure they did.  

This song gets a fresh start for the new year, however, as it's off to Abu Dhabi.  I hope it has the time of its life while it's there, as I'm sure I will never hearing it again.

-Matt

Call Me from Abu Dhabi

Imagine, if you can, two twin brothers with long flowing blonde hair, clad in leather and possibly bare chested... Sounds like a scene out of some raunchy romance novel or even the front cover imagery.
However, if you couple that with some less than epic ballad lyrics, you are in for a musical encounter with NELSON. Still can't picture it? Don't worry, there is photographic evidence of this crap.

Nelson formed in the 1990's and are probably best know for their song "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection". They descend from Harriet & Ozzie Nelson, and Rick Nelson, and you would think with so much musical history in their family tree they maybe able to write better lyrics than "When you are done with being his Plan B, call me".

Unfortunately, these guys sound like nothing more than a bad Bon Jovi rip-off with an obsession with naming their albums after poor weather, "Before the Rain", "After the Rain", "The Perfect Storm" AND "Lighting Strikes Twice"... way to be creative.

Surprisingly these two are still making music and just released an album in 2010. Normally things get better with age, this is not the case with NELSON. The only thing that has changed is the length of their hair and the size of their waistlines.

For all these reasons and more, I would like to submit NELSON for a trip to Abu Dhabi.
-Cori

Proper identification, please.

Every once in a while, a musician comes along that is so powerful, their name becomes bigger than music.

This is not one of those times, however.  In fact, that's pretty impossible to do when nobody appears to know your name.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Ting Tings.  Based out of the UK, the duo hit the mainstream music scene in 2008 with their debut album, We Started Nothing.  It should be noted that according to Wikipedia (which is, of course, a wealth of important and highly accurate information), the album was officially released six days before it was leaked onto the Internet.  They can't even get the proper order of "leak then release" correct.

Apparently, in their debut single "That's Not My Name," our lead singer has an issue where people seemingly forget her name all the time.  They attempt to address her in a number of ways, including "Stacey," "Jane," and even names that aren't actually names like "hell" and "her."  

What is her name, you may ask?  That's the problem - she never actually tells us!  Instead of identifying herself, she just tells us that everyone has guessed incorrectly, saying "that's not my name" over...and over...and over...AND OVER AGAIN.  If you want us to call you by the right name, shouldn't you at least tell us what that name is?  It seems pretty counterproductive if you ask me.

Others have tried this method of people not knowing who an artist is in the past, and believe it or not, it has not helped to get their name out there:

These days, nobody wants to know who Jimmy Ray is (though, in all fairness, it can be debated if anyone wanted to know then, either).  Sadly, The Ting Tings have not followed Jimmy Ray down to the road to obscurity, as they are scheduled to have a new album released later this month.

Ironically enough, it currently doesn't have a name.

-Matt

Wonder Woman: German, likes drugs, and is mother of zombie turtle boy?

Hello everyone, and welcome to another hateful/fun-filled installment of "Box to Abu Dhabi," where my dear friends (and myself in this case) came across people and things that need to be packed up in a box, and sent to Abu Dhabi never to return. If it were only true. So in this case, I would like to apologize in advance to that country for what I'm about to postmark.


I'm warning you now: this video is going to take away three minutes of your life you'll never get back. So it's up to me to do you all a favor and tear it a new asshole, bundle it up, and have U.S. Soccer player Landon Donovan to boot the fucking thing into a void of no return....Here it is:



::In my best dracula voice:: Bahahahahaha!!! Good evening boys and ghouls! Welcome to Mount Suck-ulah!! Be afraid, be very afraid...or mildly disgusted, that's your choice. The 2nd one would most likely be more of your mortal reaction. I'm not home at the current time but my cracked out mistress will be sure to show you around!! hahahahaha!! :end dracula impression::

If you watched this and your first reaction was "What the fuck did I just watch?", you are not alone. You may have seen clips of this horror of this trainwreck on an episode of Beavis and Butt-Head, but I'm here to show you this abomination in its entirety. Let's start from the beginning. We see a skull "mountain" and some 80s-esque strobe lights that would give someone a seizure and special effects that your local high school A/V department can whip up in a matter of minutes. The camera fades into a cob-webbed cave scene that even any low grade halloween supplies company would get pissed off about. You then see a man that basically looks like he's just been shitcanned by a gang of fire extinguishers and seems to be threatened by the director at gun point not to move on set. Wait..what's this...It's Wonder Woman!.....on....crack? This is starting to look very bad. Who the hell is this? Someone named Nina Hagen? Huh? This broad comes staggering on set to sing a song about a guy named Herman? Herman Munster? Nah, just that douche covered in white. I'm thinking she's singing/puking in German? Maybe? ahh fuck it, who cares. She has a Wonder Woman head band on and wearing make-up that resembles the world renknowned "I like Turtles!" kid. If you need a visual of what this kid looks like, here's an idea.



Her Son? Maybe they'e related? Anyway, then the rest of her costume just doesn't work. Yo bitch, where'd you get that cape? A KISS convention? Gene Simmons wants his cape back! How dare you insult the God of Thunder! Blasphemy!!! I'm not fluent in German, but just by her "singing" it sounds like she's getting a fist shoved down her throat leaving her groaning and gasping for air. A muzzle and a foot up the ass would have sufficed...or the destruction of this video shoot in general. And good god, look at those armpits! Get a weedwacker in there. Just a heads up ladies - not shaving your armpits does not enhance your look of evil, it just looks gross. Then if the video couldn't get any stranger, here comes more breathtaking visuals. Druggie's face is in the skull and she is talking in a robotic voice. Hmm...I am either speechless, angry or confused. I'm not sure yet. They fade back into Madame Shitstorm's Cave of Fail where now she appears to be having an old fashioned pro wrestling "Test of Strength" with the guy still standing there covered in cob webs most likely bought from Party City. It suddenly starts to look like she starts coming down from her drug high as she starts getting confused and running around....Aaaaaargh this needs to end...ok..some keyboards(?)...a shitty guitar solo..one more special effect which I'm sure went over the budget aaaaand...it's finally over. And if you look to the top right at the end of your screen it says "Treatment clinic" on top of the doorway. A Methadone one I hope for this lady's sake.

The moral of this story is, crack and cocaine are bad...so is sucking. You put them together, and whoa...just..no...horrible.

Off to Abu Dhabi with you. Donovan kicks, he scoooores! GOOAAALLL!

Welp, that's all I got for now. Thanks to my friends for letting me in on a blog on this wonderful website. And for the rest of you I hope you enjoyed my little insert. In the meantime, stay thirsty my friends!

Irish Kev

This song doesn't take anyone to O-Town.

At the turn of the century, the music industry was exploding with boy bands. N’Sync, and Backstreet Boys were kings of the mountain, and of course, other people see the money flowing and try to capitalize on the excesses. Lou Pearlman, god of the corporately fabricated “artists” ( see N’Sync), decided to bring his method of hand-picking individuals for a group into the forefront of American consciousness by launching a show that aired on ABC entitled “Making the Band.” The first season showcased selection and “talent” of the individuals of the pop group. Yes, you read that correctly: The First Season. This show went on to complete a total of three seasons, all about O-Town.

After the first season, they were signed to Clive Davis’ J-Records, and with help from the popularity of the television show, their first album, “O-Town” sold over two million copies. Their single, “Liquid Dreams” (saved for another post down the road) reached #10 on the Billboard Hot 100. As with most “boy bands,” the end came when they decided to show that they were “true” artists. The success of the first album granted them more artistic freedom to write and produce their own songs. The album was eventually released but the moderate reception led to the emancipation of O-Town from their record contract.

The song “We Fit Together”, off their debut album, showcased the talent of this corporate band and is what brings us together today. As the last single off their first album, this was meant to bridge the gap between albums. Although MTV.com lists this song as #4 on TRL: Top Boy Band Videos, this was not a strong enough song to save the band.  The video showcases beach excesses and opens with a yacht tearing through the water while the guys stroll the beach. Speaking of the guys, what is up with the Marky Mark look-alike with dreads? Just to be clear, wearing a fedora with a doo rag and playing a guitar does not a musician make. I suppose he is the “bad boy” of the group.

 Anyhow, out of all of those girls on the boat, why are they ALL attracted to one girl? What does that say for that girl? Apparently, she is the girl from Impanema. Where is Impanema you may ask? I have no clue. This typical song about a guy (or incidentally, guy’s) infatuation about a girl goes sour with not necessarily offensive, but just crudely, non-creative lyrics. “How many triple x dreams that’s been starring you?” “I wanna go ‘Knock, Knock’ our bodies to the beat?” I’m sure it worked on this one girl from Impanema.  It ends with the refrain of “I wanna go all night, can I go inside.” I do believe that that line does not need explanation but is posted here to show the rudimentary lyrics presented.

Submitted for you approval, O-Town’s “We Fit Together” will be boxed, taped, locked, and shipped to Abu Dhabi. 

-Todd

I'm not exactly tickled pink by this song.

I blame the Y2K bug.

Back in 2000, the music world was introduced to Pink, a new pop singer straight out of the Philadelphia area.   Complete with pink hair (to match her name - so clever!), her first single, "There You Go," took over the airwaves for what seemed like an eternity, and sold enough copies that record executives thought it would be a good idea for her to keep making music and terrorizing the American public.

If none of that had ever happened, we never would have had to deal with this:

Somewhere between 2000 and 2008, Pink (now spelled P!nk, apparently) decided that Kool-Aid hair was no longer going to be her gimmick, and instead, she was going to be one tough bitch.  She proved her supposed-toughness in the single "So What," where she goes on and on and on and on and on about how she wants to start a fight with basically anyone who gets in her way.  Because she's one tough bitch, you see.  This all starts because her husband has left her/she left her husband/they're back together and angry at each other/whatever other fucking story they have for their relationship this week.  I only say this because he left...but he's in the video...but they're angry at each other...but then they're hugging it out...but then she's angry again.

I guess it's hard to control your emotions when you're one tough bitch.

But anyway, P!nk goes on to ask the listener to "check her flow" like she's Biggie or something, and goes on to tell another story of how she lost her table at a restaurant to Jessica Simpson, who hadn't been relevant since approximately...well....ever.  In fact, here are people that were more relevant than Jessica Simpson at the time:

But this is all OK, and do you know why?  Because not only is P!nk one tough bitch, but she's also a rock star!  That's right - it doesn't matter who gets in her way, and who she needs to fight, because she's a rock star!  She's got her rock moves!

...wait, what?  What the fuck are rock moves?  Sadly, P!nk never explains just what they are, and Webster's offers no explanation.  To be honest, the only rock moves I know are these:

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, P!nk, it's off to Abu Dhabi you go.  I can already hear her challenging me to a fight in my head...

-Matt

Oh how I miss the days...

...of going to a club, seeing a band play and watching every dumb ass overly generic, semi chubby chick swoon when the first couple of familiar notes to this song rang out. And I though to myself "Formula is perfect. Pleasing guitar tone, easy tempo, smooth melody. This is it, this is what I need to try and do. Write a ballad."

It wasn't an easy decision to come to. I mean especially after really piecing apart the words to get to the underlying message:

"Honey why are you calling me so late?"-Confusion. He's comfortable enough to call her honey but, caught of  guard by the hour she has decided to reach him.

"It's kinda hard to talk right now"-Odd, for a man who is concerned with the late night call. What could he possibly be doing?

"Honey why are you crying, is everything okay?"-Alarm. She is obviously upset. Maybe due to his rigorous touring schedule she missed her 4:45pm call right before show time and she felt like hearing his voice would get her through the night...what a great guy.

"I gotta whisper ?cause I can't be too loud"-Can this man get any sweeter?? He is concerned he might wake his roady who is only know by people as Mad Dawg, from his drug induced coma... thoughtful!!

"Well, my girl's in the next room"-.....



....HOLY CRAP HE'S BANGING 2 CHICKS AND ONE OF THEM DOESN'T KNOW IT!!!!

As I learned that this man was no saint and certainly no type of a role model I looked around the smoke filled bar and saw every chick in the place swooning and swaying as if they were thinking "When can I find a guy like that? He's so sensitive."

Again I say DUMB ASSES!!

This song is terrible, people that like this song are terrible, chicks that wave their cell phones at cover bands that play this song are terrible and the only thing that is worse than being  Nickelback is trying to be Nickelback. Hinder, I hate you.

I would like this song to be shot, dragged a quarter mile and then stuffed in a box tagged for Abu Dhabi without a return address never to be heard again. 

-Charlie

Words to make any woman swoon.

You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex. 
Whenever I'm approached by a young suitor, I like this to be the first words out of his mouth. 

You know, unless I'm looking for respect and a meaningful relationship. Like most women.

I had never heard "So Hott" by Kid Rock until my boyfriend's cover band decided to start playing it at bars. As it turns out, people love this song. It makes them dance. I must be a weirdo, because it makes me feel dirty.

I am positive that this song was written on the basis of a challenge for Kid Rock. Someone walked up to him and said "Dude, I don't believe that you're white trash." And as his way to prove this person wrong, he wrote this horrible song. Now we all have to suffer because of someone else's doubt. It always seems like one person ruins things for the masses, and now I'm going to ruin things for the population of Abu Dhabi by sending this gem over. 


-Rebecca

Who Gives A Hoot?

Owl City that is who. more specifically the song writer and performer  Adam Young  The steaming pile of diarrhea and focal point of this contribution is a little pile of word vomit known as Fireflies. There is not one song or video I think I hate more in the history of music and music videos..  I hate the lyrics, the synthesizer use, and that stupid whiny mo-fo's voice.  More than anything, I hate  people that proclaim this their favorite song.  To which i silently respond WHAT THE FUCK!? 

Let us start with an examination of some of these fine lyrics.

"You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies (WTF?)
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere (Not sure..)
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and
Stare" (Who would fucking?)

This Horrifying sight is what 10 MILLION FIREFLIES MIGHT LOOK LIKE 

If i looked out my fucking window and saw this I would shit my fucking pants!

But, I digress

Lets continue.

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs (Not hugs from all of them)
As they tried to teach my how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock-hop beneath my bed ( I was not aware that insects danced)
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread 

I am aware that our friend Adam wrote this song as he was trying to fall asleep one night, but it really seems like something my four year old nephew came up with .  You know one of those little kid, sitting in the tub songs we have all made up from time to time.  This song was also supposed to bring back he Synthesizer Pop movement. ( I guess Ke$ha is allegedly doing this too?)

Synth Pop is a funny things, here is a much better example of it.  Ok the lyrics aren't the best.  This song is classic!!

Lets make a comparison with "FireFlies"

Starts out with the crappy little music box beat, then this douche bag at the organ, clicks a button labeled  "magic" Oh good, maybe the song will stop now?! No.  This is just the beginning. Magic seems to mean all your lamps come on and toys come to life which reminds me of a horrible childhood memory.

(maybe this is why I hate the video so much)

The music video continues on in this fashion whiny voice guy + plus 1977 bed room + creepy toys wondering about = Horrible.  OH YEAH did I mention not one damn firefly int the whole production.  

I think this guy "Making himself believe that planet earth turns slowly" makes the song last longer. It just gets under my skin, until I feel compelled to comment on it ( Who put this on? lol).  Not once but twice has this comment been met with " THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG."  

Which just makes me want to scream WHY?! OUT OF ALL THE INFINITE AMOUNTS OF MUSIC OUT THERE.  AMAZING SONGS! WHY IS THIS THE ONE THAT DOES IT FOR YOU!?

My conclusion, probably brain dead.  That is what I am sticking to.  So farewell creepy fireflies song and guy. (Why does he have so many fucking toys anyway?)  Abu Dhabi, I apologize again for this horrible fucking disgrace of a song!!!

----Angie

The award for Worst Excuse Ever goes to...

A true friend is someone you can go to for advice that you can count on, regardless of the situation.  While I don't condone his fictional choices, Ricardo "RikRok" Ducent was caught messing around with the girl next door, and wasn't sure what to do next.  Confused, he called his friend Shaggy to plan his next move...and what we got was this:

When in doubt, according to Shaggy, the best thing to do is deny, deny, deny.  And that's what he advised RikRok to do, when together, they released the 2000 single "It Wasn't Me."  RikRok, of course, is concerned that his girlfriend is going to rightfully end their relationship, especially since she has a ton of evidence, including video footage of the incident happening!  Shaggy underestimates her intelligence, however, seeming convinced that RikRok can get away with this by merely saying "it wasn't me" to her.  He lists a bunch of reasons why it'll work, but I'll be honest - I'll be damned if I can understand a single one of them.  In fact, I had to look up the lyrics just to see what he was saying.  Here's part of Shaggy's plan to convince her of the lie:

make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on da right prefix
whenever you should see her make da giggolo flex
as funny as it be by you, it not that complex
seein is believin so you better change your specs 

I had no idea that's what he was saying until right now.  And after reading it, I'm still not sure what he's trying to say here.  Is this even saying anything at all?  Shaggy could be my best friend in the world, but if I'm in trouble, I'm not going to him to figure out what to do next.  I'd even go to a therapist who makes me seasick by looking at him over Shaggy.

Thankfully, RikRok came to his senses by the end of the song, and told Shaggy to forget it: his "reason made no sense at all."  Well no shit, Sherlock!  When someone finds marks on your body, hears things happening, and has video evidence of said acts, it's time to just fess up.  It's too bad America didn't come to their senses, though, as this song was somehow Shaggy's first #1 single.  Yes, THIS SONG WAS A NUMBER ONE SINGLE.  The thought of that makes my head hurt.

The best aspirin for that?  Ship this one off.  Maybe Shaggy's tricks will work in Abu Dhabi.


-Matt

I feel broken inside, that's for sure.

I don't even know where to begin.

Two years ago, I was getting set to go to Warped Tour, and much like this year, I was looking through the list of bands to see if there were any hidden gems.

Clearly, this was not one of them.

The name of the band...err...group...err...whatever they are is Brokencyde.  They appeared to have more support than almost any other band on the tour based on the comments that were left on their page.  It couldn't possibly be the worst thing I had ever heard, right?

Wrong.  "Freaxxx," the supposed hit single by Brokencyde is, without a doubt, the worst thing that has ever happened to music.  There's just so much wrong with this, from start to finish, that it's hard to describe, but that's what this blog is here for so I'm going to give it my best shot.

There is no reason, EVER, to combine these two genres of music.  Yes, it's so severe that I had to capitalize it, bold it, and italicize it.  Known around the world as "crunkcore," it's apparently dance music about partying and hooking up with loose women, with hardcore vocals which are generally found in the background.  It starts out with the hardcore screaming, and then goes onto auto-tuned lyrics about going to the club, drinking a bunch, and meeting some hookers (which they have to be to even remotely get interested in these two fucks) for what they consider to be a good evening.  Of course, they're in the streets (where people like this clearly come from), and dancing with low-rent strippers in front of expensive rental cars to get the following message across:  we know how to party.  Or something.

And then, of course, there's a pig.  I mean, why wouldn't there be a pig dancing with them?  Human-size pigs hang out at street parties all the time!

They go on to name some expensive brand names, since they obviously have money and these things are always meant to be associated with hardcore.  If these kids ever went within five miles of a hardcore show, they'd get their asses kicked.  I promise you that.

The song goes on and on and on and gets freakier and freakier with each passing second, but never actually gets good.  I challenge anyone to find anything, and I mean anything remotely appealing about this song.

But wait, just when you thought they'd stop at one song, they came back for more!

More animals, more hookers, more bad.  I made it through a minute of this before I had to shut it off.  It makes me want to scream at Brokencyde, their producers, their label, and their parents for this ever being created.

Guys, if you're going to do the party gimmick, do it right, and don't try to blend two genres of music that don't belong together while doing it.

Abu Dhabi's going to start to hate us soon, but hey, we can't have this shit over here.  I bet they'd like the beach anyway.

-Matt

In Honor of Memorial Day

I would first like to thank those who gave their lives and those who are fought and are fighting for our great nation. Both of my late Grandfathers fought in WWII and my Dad served in the National Guard, I have nothing but the utmost respect for soldiers, and their families. This post is by no means to be Anti-American or Anti-Troops, it's truly based on the awfulness of these songs!

However, I must add this song to the box. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (Angry American) by Toby Keith is, to me, the manifestation of redneck.

Now, don't get me wrong, when this song came out after 9/11 - I loved it. In fact, the lyrics were posted on my bedroom wall and I knew all the words. However, I was horribly misguided. 

I sat here, for almost 20 minutes, trying to figure out how to put into words just how bad this song is and why.

I couldn't. It's just bad. It's almost as bad as another country song... Have you Forgotten? by Darryl Worley.

I would like to start off this portion of my post as saying - No, I haven't forgotten. I'm reminded almost everyday and for over 72 hours during the week leading up to the anniversary. Further more, it doesn't make me a bad American to not remember it everyday, it makes me an American that hasn't let the terrorists change me.

-Ashley

Talk about a warped sense of good music...

So, a few weeks ago, I found out that some of my favorite bands, like Less Than Jake, the Street Dogs, and Set Your Goals, are playing on the Warped Tour this year.  Now, being almost 30 years old, I fully recognize that I'm getting to be a bit too old to go to an all-day punk festival, but regardless, I was considering bringing myself out of Warped Tour retirement for one year to go check it out.  

That is, until I saw some of the other bands who are playing this year.  Being someone who's willing to give the other bands a chance (I mean, seriously, I'm paying how much to go to this thing?  I may as well check out what the other acts have to offer), I sat down and went through the list of bands to see what else may interest me throughout the day.

The answer: not very much.

The first band I decided to investigate was Blood on the Dance Floor.  When I first clicked on their song, "Death To Your Heart," I won't lie to you - I expected to hear something horrible. What I expected, though, was some shitty screamo metalcore band that has breakdowns in their breakdowns and a dude who sounds like he's gargling with mouthwash rather than singing (though, don't worry - those bands are coming up).

What I got was something completely different.  Sure, they had all the shitty tattoos I was expecting, but instead of endless breakdowns, I heard equally terrible synthesizers and more makeup than a Lady Gaga interview segment.  I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be - is it pop?  is it techno?  It's certainly not punk, and it's most definitely terrible.  It definitely made me want to leave someone's blood on the dance floor  - theirs.  I dare you to make it through this entire video without wanting to hit someone.

Not to be outdone, Epitaph Records (yes, the same label that has had punk rock legends like Bad Religion, Rancid, and NOFX amongst their ranks) provided the horribly-named I Set My Friends on Fire to the tour this year.  I decided to listen to one of their songs, figuring it couldn't be much worse than what I had just heard.

I Set My Friends On Fire - Things That Rhyme... by marock70

It starts out with that same Nintendo-like synthesizer line like Blood on the Dance Floor, but then mixes it with the angsty screaming one would expect from electronic music...or something.  It's almost passable at moments, but then you remember that the song is called "Things That Rhyme With Orange" (like storange, and florange, clearly) and that for some reason, a furry has decided to save the young couple from their jock-tormented afternoon. There's so much wrong with this, I'm not even sure I have room here to describe it all.

That's because I had to make room for Winds of Plague.  I promised you gargling, and now here it is.  I've always wondered how someone is able to make themselves growl for minutes, seemingly on command, with no repercussions to their regular speaking voice.

It is obvious from this epic that 1) I'm hanging out in all the wrong places, as Vanilla Ice look-alikes who have frogs in their throats know how to party, and 2) their pit at Warped Tour is going to be brutal, just like their set.  And by brutal, I mean brutal to have to sit through.

Congrats to Abu Dhabi, as you now have enough bands to have a Warped Tour of your own! And don't worry, you'll still get variety - I'm sure there'll be more than enough bad things to send your way for years to come.

-Matt

So bad, it was never on an album

I think I am going to take a page out of Matt's playbook here and throw something in the box by an Artist that I enjoy a lot. I know what it feels like to have a particular artist be the "be all, end all" for yourself. As a guitar player and a songwriter, the field is very wide with people that I consider some of the greats. Neil Young, as some would call him "The Godfather of Grunge", played a significant role for me as a teen when I was into a lot of the alternative music scene. He was accepted by them, so I dived deep into his library of music and found just some great classic tracks that are still fantastic to this day. As I become an adult, Paul Simon is also another name that springs to mind. When I was younger, Simon and Garfunkel really didn't do it for me, but I don't know if I have matured, or if I just get it now, but Paul Simon's music really just does it for me. But one guy has them all beat on my end when it comes to just everything.

Hey look, it's Bruce.


Yes, when it comes down to it, I am as big of a Bruce Springsteen fan as it gets. I'm sure some people can say I bring it up at nausea sometimes. But it's just that I found him out in a point in my life where I could actually relate to the things that he was saying. As goofy as that phrase always sounds, it really was true.

So I guess this brings me to the hard part. I don't know if my distaste for this one song is bad that I just want to eliminate it from Bruce's roster of songs. If the fact that this is sometimes the only Springsteen song you will hear on some radio stations, and I'd kill for some "Rosalita" or "Blinded by the Light (the original, not the Manfred Mann bullshit)" on these stations. Maybe it has something to do with me not liking artists to specifically trying new things to see how they sound. Or maybe its the fact that after I hear the chorus, I feel like I wanna throw myself off a bridge for getting it stuck in my head.

I'm sorry to have to post this. But my entry into the box...is Pink Cadillac.



The B-side of the Dancing in the Dark single, Pink Cadillac is the worst FUCKING Springsteen song in his whole library. And that's saying a lot. This is coming from the same artist that gave us "Lucky Town".

So.....gonna rock the Terminator 2 shades eh Bruce?


Be that as it may. Pink Cadillac hits you like a bad nostalgia trip. The rockabilly styled guitar that would make Brian Setzer blush, he spends the entire time comparing the girl to the car, and the car to the girl, back and forth and back and forth. At this rate I listen to the song and say to myself, "I liked it better the first time, when it was called Thunder Road....and Born to Run....and Racing In The Streets....and the video for I'm on Fire....and Incident on 57th Street...AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING SONG YOU'VE WROTE!"

But do you know all I hear on some radio stations....

I love you for your Pink Cadillac, crushed velvet seats
riding in the back, oozing down the street
waving to the girls, feeling out of sight
spending all my money on a Saturday night
honey I just wonder what you do there in the back of your Pink Cadillac, Pink Cadillac

Maybe I'm just bitter cause I'd love to hear other awesome Bruce stuff on the radio, but I just can't stand this song, and If I had to get rid of one of his to rid the world of, and I had to choose, Abu Dhabi enjoy this, cause I will be happy never seeing that fucking car ever again.



**Note I am aware "Pink Cadillac" was released on the "Tracks" album, but you know what I mean.**
-Chris

It's Been A While...

It’s been a while since I’ve put a song in the Box to Abu Dhabi.

It’s been a while since I thought about this song.

It’s been a while since anyone played a baritone guitar.

It’s been a while since I’ve listened to such bad music.

Everything I can’t remember, it’s just as bad as it may seem.

Consequences as I’m listening, I stretched my ears beyond my means.

It’s been a while since this guy could think of new lyrics.

It’s been a while since this band was any good.

It’s been a while since I understood what is happening in the video.

It’s been a while since I wish this song were never written.

Everyone is talking about my, my sweet tribal tattoos.

I like to stare into sinks, while I smoke cigarettes and drink booze.

Why must this song be made?

Just make this go away.

Just one more peaceful day.

It’s been a while since I said I hate this song.

It’s been a while since eyebrow piercings were cool.

It’s been a while since electricity was discovered.

It’s been a while that I’ve been writing “It’s been a while.”

I cannot blame this on the drummer, he didn’t write the words.

I cannot blame this on the bassist, he just did what he was told.

It’s been a while since this song started.

It’s been a while since I wished the candles would burn down this set.

-Todd

Get Your Armor

I would like to start this post by saying just about any "music" that comes from American Idol can most definitely be put in the box. And in reality, I would love to shove the whole damn show in the box, however; the box is for music and not television.

At this moment, I have decided to single out just one song in particular. I truly feel it belongs in the box, if only because it sounds like she is singing about going to get some Carrabba's halfway through the song. Honestly, the song is nothing more than a mediocre attempt at pleasing Idol fans and I don't think it even accomplishes that.

You may want to trade your armor for some earplugs to endure Battlefield by Jordin Sparks.

.Cori

Some would say it's their "destiny" to go in the box.

So it's been a slow mail week here at Committee Headquarters.  However, I think we've saved up enough cash to ship a new song out, and trust me, as far as songs go, it's the #1 Contender for the Abu Dhabi Box Heavyweight Championship.

Before 2007, Finger Eleven was only really known for their song "One Thing," which I will forever know as the "Chris Benoit Killed His Family and Then Hung Himself" song because of its use in the video tribute package to him on Raw the night he was found dead.  Somehow, this is not the worst thing they've done to music, as they managed to produce a song worse than a Nicholas Cage look-alike sloppily diving onto five wrestlers on a roller rink floor.

The name of the song is "Paralyzer," and unless you've been thankfully living under a rock somewhere and have been able to miss it, you know it well.  Practically every radio station in the world started playing this one seemingly every hour on the hour when it first hit the airwaves in 2007, despite how absolutely terrible it truly is.  The song tells the story of a man who goes to a club...and hates it.  He suffers from the worst case of wallflower syndrome I've ever heard, as he sulks in the corner of the club, anti-socially watching everyone else have a good time.  It's clear that he should have stayed home, as he even notes himself: "I should just stay home/if one thing really means one," which I'm sure has some kind of profound meaning.

Just then, he finds some attractive woman on the other side of the bar, and starts to imagine what going home with her, or to his house, or apparently just some dark place would be like. I guess then it's OK to be at this club, as he is now distracted.

To sum it up, here's how the song goes: "hey, this place SUCKS. Why am I even here?  I'm so angsty, and I can't stand being around happiness.  Oh, hey, you're cute."

And then, the video makes absolutely no sense.  I mean, as bad as the story is, the song at least tells one that can be transferred into an almost-watchable (for the blind, at least) music video.  But no, instead, they go out and get some dude and some chick, put them in suits, and then have them dance and spawn other people to dance with them while they do it. Where are these people coming from?  Why are they dancing so awkwardly?

Remember the last time a video told a nonsensical story that had people randomly dancing for no reason?  Yeah, that one's pretty much remembered as a joke, too.

BONNIE TYLER - TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART by hushhush112

In conclusion, you can make all the "I'm winning the belt!" motions you want around your waist, Finger Eleven, but the only title that "Paralyzer" is winning can be found in Abu Dhabi.

-Matt

Not the shipping destination they were intending...

So, I have been a fan of the Dropkick Murphys for over ten years now. I first heard them when the DJ who was on before me at King's would play Barroom Hero to end his show every week, and I did my best to track down every song and album I possibly could afterwards. I even went on two separate occasions to see them for St. Patrick's Day weekend in their hometown of Boston.

That said, there's no way that I can justify admitting that this song is a part of their catalog.

The song is a little gimmicky, and that generally doesn't bother me, so that's not the main problem here.  The problem is really what this song made the band become.  Thanks to The Departed, "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" became the theme for every brosnake that decided they were suddenly punk rockers, and therefore had to throw their weight around in the pit when they heard the only DKM song they knew.

That alone has made this song absolutely unbearable.  I mean, I don't condone wearing the "punk rock uniform," but you kinda stick out like a sore thumb in the pit if you have a Miller Lite in your hand and a pink polo shirt with the collar popped.

The content doesn't help.  I mean, what pirate loses their leg and goes to Boston to find it?  It's not even mentioned anywhere that that's where the pirate lost his leg to begin with!  If the band can't remember where the leg was lost to report about it in the song, then this can't be a very competent pirate.  I can't imagine this pirate is good at  robbing ships or training a parrot or other important pirate things.

What's worse than that is that the song is played everywhere, even in places where it's not fitting.  For example, the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins were coming out onto the ice to the song for the first period of some home games this season, and I have to question why.  I mean, if these guys get called up, they're actually shipping off to Pittsburgh, which is a FAR cry from Boston.

Ironically enough, Pittsburgh actually does have pirates. Maybe the song is a better fit for the Pens.

I can understand the song getting played at Providence Bruins games, or maybe Pawtucket Red Sox games...but when the Golden State Warriors come out to the court to the song, I'd be willing to say the trend is getting a little carried away.

Also, the band is expected to use the song for every promotional piece they do, even if they have a song that fits the situation better.  Why did they play the song at the Winter Classic in 2010 when they have a song about the Bruins that would have worked a lot better?  They have SEVEN OTHER ALBUMS!  Let them show it off a little!

Congratulations, Dropkick Murphys.  You officially have a song that's shipping up to Abu Dhabi.  I hope it finds its peg leg when it gets there.

-Matt

Mud on the Tires

Hello there faithful readers! I’m Ashley, the resident “Country Music Expert”. Let me tell you a bit about myself, I was born and raised on country music. Some of my earliest memories are watching the Statler Brothers Show with my Grandparents and my first concert was to see Neal McCoy in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. My second concert was to see a (very young) Leann Rimes at the Bloomsburg Fair.

I’m not as big in to country music these days; I mainly listen to ska and punk, with some top 40 and country mixed in. I lost interest in country in part due to what it sounds like now. I’m sorry, but Taylor Swift is not country and Toby Keith is my redneck nightmare.

For my first post, I’m going to talk to you about Brad Paisley and his song “Mud on the Tires”. Brad Paisley is by far one of the best guitar players in country music today; he’s absolutely phenomenal. I wish I could have found an example; however youtube failed me and they’re all crappy recordings from fans at concerts. He has truly perfected the art of a “high pitched” guitar solo. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

However, “Mud on the Tires” is quite possibly one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard, it’s essentially a redneck cliché about buying a new truck and going mudding. The song doesn’t actually have much substance to it, and I find that slightly insulting to its country roots. When you consider some of the more classic country songs, not matter how silly they may have seemed – they all have substance. This song doesn’t have that, and that is a major gaff when it comes to what I see country music as. When I think back to songs that I still know the words to and that I won’t change the station when they come on – they all have some sort of substance behind them; consider a few songs “Fancy” by Reba McEntire or “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by the Charlie Daniels Band. Those songs have a substantial meaning behind them.

“Fancy” is a song about a young girl who gets sent away by her mother to be a prostitute. She goes through having her mother make her a fancy red dress, and cockroaches crawling across her shoe all the way to making her life better and making a name for herself. “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” is about a battle between a man and Satan. It’s a classic good vs evil story that is based on Georgia and features amazing fiddle playing.

For a better example of what Brad Paisley is capable of, I’m including “Whiskey Lullaby” in this post. Paisley joined Alison Krauss for this beautiful song. The song is about a man and a woman, and the woman is caught cheating and the man leaves, eventually drinking himself to death. (In the video, he’s portrayed as a soldier returning from the war, which walks in on the cheating.) She follows suit and also dies, in the video they are reunited. It’s a sad song; again, it has a meaning love never fails, even in death.

See ya around!
Ashley

If I had just one wish, only one demand

During the research of my first contribution to the “Box to Abu Dhabi,” I mulled over the endless amount of content that deserves to be here. Among the scent of stale popcorn, and mindless, repetitive trivia projected onto the screen while waiting for a movie to commence, I noticed a familiar combination of chords. The first few bars of the handpicked guitar start quietly, almost innocently, which then leads to the grating, seizure-inducing, primitive snarl emanating from the "singer." Soon, those wretched sound waves set the cascade of events by vibrating my eardrum and transmitting the information to my brain, I knew I had stumbled upon my first endeavor.

Back in the late 90s, in the sun-washed, murky swamps of Tallahassee, Florida, the seeds were planted for founding members, Scott Stapp and Mark Tremonti, to establish their abhorrent, worthless excuse for a band, Creed. Before an alligator could bite a hand off, or a hurricane destroy their equipment, they unleashed the wrath upon the ears of the ignorant American public.

Their destiny was set early on when they originally named the band, “Naked Toddler.” (I'm not making this up.) One would assume that having a name like that would be a violation of the Florida Statute 847.001(3) which is defined as: “’Child pornography’ means any image depicting a minor engaged in sexual conduct.” Unfortunately for the rest of the world, they were not immediately cuffed and assigned a prison cell.  Too bad.  

Look at these guys, seriously

Now to the topic at hand: Why “With Arms Wide Open” deserves to be in the box to Abu Dhabi.  This pseudo-Christian, semi-spiritual modern rock band released their sophomore effort, “Human Clay,” in the Fall of the year 1999, and those of us hoping for the album to dissolve into music history were greatly disheartened. “With Arms Wide Open” hit the airwaves as a single in the year 2000, and subsequently won a Grammy Award in 2001. This hollow opus about a man surprised to find out that he would become a father is quickly overshadowed by his love of himself. The lyrics are so boring, and uninspired that his excitement about this fact is lost on the audience. This joyous occasion is not only marred by the total lack of intuitive lyrics, but also the repetitive and predicable structure of the song. The shallowness of the lyrics, coupled with the lack of musical talent in the band creates a song that is utterly unlistenable. The studio where this song has been recorded should be burned to sediment, and the grounds quarantined so that future generations will not be inspired to write a similar tune.

Finally, not only is the song unbelievably horrific, the video that accompanied the video is full of pretentious douchebags dressed in leather jackets in a fake thunderstorm who obviously have a god-complex. Toward the end, I was hoping for some gracious soul to just push Scott Stapp over the edge, or at least take a bat to one of his knees.  Lightning would've been a god-send. I'm actually thinking about suing this band for reparations for the crimes against humanity after the release of this song. Unfortunately, they have reunited and released a new album in 2009. Watch the video below in order to understand the downright triviality of this song, and subsequently, this band.

I submit this for your approval to be included in the Box to Abu Dhabi.

-Todd

Sesame Street is a wonderful thing.

So after some discussion today, Chris totally thought I was going to pack this song up:

There's no way I could pack Frankie Goes to Hollywood up.  I mean, seriously - without Frankie, how would people know when to relax?  And more importantly, what the hell would this girl have to wear?!?

Anyway, this song totally deserves to be on this list, even if they've made some amazing music in the past:

It is truly my belief that if U2 stopped making music in 1996, they'd be one of the greatest bands of all time.  That said, they didn't, and this steaming pile of crap annoyed each and everyone one of us, endlessly saying "YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!" in iPod commercials for what felt like eleventy billion years.

Note - I just had to add eleventy to my dictionary in Google Chrome.  It should be in there, even if it's not a real number...yet.

Speaking of numbers, that's my other gripe with this song - Bono apparently doesn't know how to count.  This lack of number knowledge stinks up the song from the beginning, with this poor attempt at counting in Spanish in the first line:

"Uno dos tres CATORCE!"

Roughly translated, that becomes this in English:

"One, two, three, FOURTEEN!"

Bono, it doesn't matter how much AIDS you cure - you need to be able to count to four to survive in this world, regardless of what language you're doing it in.  Someone get the Count of Counting on the phone, as I think we need to have a counting intervention.

If you're looking for some good U2, check out "With or Without You," or "Where the Streets Have No Name."  Leave this one alone though, so we can swipe it and send it on its way to the sunny shores of Abu Dhabi.

-Matt