The world is full of bad music, and it's about time that someone comes along to isolate it all to one location - Abu Dhabi. Meet nine NEPA 20-somethings concerned with the direction that music is going in, and are hoping to put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.
Ah, yes. Do you remember the late 90’s? If you were alive during that time and flipped on the radio, you would’ve been treated with what has been labeled “rapcore.” With the many failings of that name aside, this nu-metal movement birthed many of future box participants. The most offensive of these groups originated in Jacksonville, Florida named Limp Bizkit. Fred Durst, the infamous frontman of this group, came up with the name saying, “The name is there to turn people's heads away. A lot of people pick up the disc and go, 'Limp Bizkit. Oh, they must suck.' Those are the people that we don't even want listening to our music." Well, Fred,
He’s loving it.
The song that I am shipping into the desert on this Sunday night was the anthem of 2001. Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle) was featured on the aptly named “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” and went to the top of the charts, and MTV’s TRL. Ah, TRL you will be written about in the future. The theme of Rollin’(Air Raid Vehicle) consists of childish banter of Limp Bizkit being better than another band or someone else. I’m not sure which. But I know I need to get some better beats, and uh, get some better rhymes - D’oh!. Maybe one day I will strive for better beats and rhymes. Interesting fact: The shots in the video of the band performing on a rooftop were shot on the south tower of the World Trade Center. Now, I could make a comment about pushing the date of the video shoot to a more convenient day, but it may still be "too soon" to make 9-11 jokes. Instead, I'll just leave this here:
For those of you who are with me, play this game I've linked below: "Kill Fred Durst. Hopefully, the link works.
Hello faithful readers! I bring to you my latest shipment to
Abu Dhabi – Chris Brown; the woman beating, lip-synching, arrogant bastard extraordinaire.
As, I’m assuming all of you know, Chris Brown is a R&B
artist that is most notably known for his dancing abilities, his singing
abilities and his face bashing abilities. He has had such memorable songs as “Run
It”, “Kiss, Kiss” and “No Air”. All of which are heavily auto tuned, produced
and show little to his actual music abilities. I will give Chris credit for his
dancing abilities, he is by far one of the most talented dancers I’ve ever seen
– and I’ve seen the Jabbawokeez live and in person.
The main reason I feel that Mr. Brown should be sent to Abu
Dhabi stems from his 2008 domestic abuse case in which (for lack of a better
term) beat Rhianna’s face in. As far as my knowledge, Chris has never fully
accepted responsibility for his actions other than releasing a statement immediately
following the incident and releasing a YouTube video apologizing. The statement
read “Words cannot express how sorry and saddened I am over what happened.”
First of all, your publicist dream team probably wrote your statement
and you probably didn’t even proof read it. Second of all, A YOUTUBE VIDEO!? That’s about as meaningful as sending a VHS to
apologize in 1995. Man up and apologize live, not in front of a flip cam
reading what someone else wrote for you to say.
After I wrote this, I discovered that Mr. Brown did go on
Larry King and apologize and made a bunch of excuses about his childhood being
abusive. As a professional, I do know
that if you are abused as a child you are more likely to repeat the action
later in life – however, it doesn’t make it okay.
Let’s fast forward from 2009 to 2011 during an interview
were the assault was brought up to Mr. Brown. He stormed off stage, trashed a
dressing room and broke a window. Well,
that’s showing you’ve learned to deal with your anger issues. People are going
to question you on this for the rest of your career – get used to it.
Personally, in my world, there is no excuse for beating a
person (man or woman) to the point that they require hospitalization. It’s one
of the most inexcusable acts a person can commit and when it is committed
against a person you supposedly love – its past inexcusable, it’s downright disgusting.
I cannot image becoming a fan of this man after this all transpired, it’s
basically supporting domestic violence.
As One Republic would say, "It's too late to 'pologize".
-Ashley
**The views expressed in this post are the views of the author (and all sensible human beings**
Allow me to introduce you to Gabriela and Monica Irimia, twin sisters from Romania, better know as The Cheeky Girls. At the height of their fame between 2002 and 2004 they had 4 top ten hits in the UK. I wouldn't exactly call them hits but, hey I guess the UK has a twisted taste in music. They were best know for this debacle.
I am not sure how "Touch my bum, this is life', makes any sense or gets you a top hit.... BUT HEY.
Since then it has been nothing but a fast decline with major money issues, charges of shoplifting and an appearance on Britain's Got Talent. They did try to make a come back with a Cheeky Girls make-up line aimed at teens but, let's be honest, these two shouldn't be marketing anything towards young people. So lets pack them up for good before anymore damage is done!
911: "911, what's your emergency?"
Caller: "I feel like I'm being raped, but there's nobody here! Help me!"
"If I were invisible, I would make you mine tonight."
Sounds more like a threat to me than anything, Clay Aiken.
I can't think of many songs that are much creepier than this one. Clay Aiken could have been a superstar, but when his breakout single "Invisible" came out, all anyone could think was that he sounded like a crazed stalker. Abu Dhabi, please take this song and let us have the sweet, personable Clay that America's 99% sure they all voted to be a winner.
Looks like it's my turn to fuel the fire and keep the postal service in business. I have to admit, this is the first time I'm writing about a video/song that almost left me speechless and barely anything to say to cut this thing into pieces. Let's get right to it. This pretty much speaks for itself.
Jan Terri folks. Give it up! Now you're probably asking yourself "what the fuck did I just watch?". I can tell you. Crap. Where do I start with this? Let's start with the production. Home video at it's finest chopped up and edited by somebody who obviously didn't care about this enough to make it worth watching. At all. The song has horribly painful late 80's written all over it. The video and music opens up like we're about to watch "Good Morning (Insert City here)". "What a beautiful day in sunny Chicago everyone!" Here comes the limo, who could it be? No one special, just an amazing hairdo that would even put a poodle to shame. At first I thought this was a friend of my grandmother's, then I realized I don't know anyone with this much of a lack of talent or fashion sense. Where is she going, I have no clue. Now we're in the park. God damn, look at that foupa and that massive belt holding up a sack of rotten potatoes. That's awful. Clearly by her facial reactions, she's a rebel and a force to indeed to be reckoned with at the pizza buffet. She's starting to reminisce about a guy that has a striking resemblance to former WCW Wrestling star Magnum TA. Would that guy hang with a broad this hideous, I wouldn't put it past him. Unless he plays for the other team and is just playing mind games with her. Enough about Magnum TA. How the hell did I come up with that one? Moving on. They attempt to paint a picture of some type of story of heartbreak and uncomfortable motorcycle rides. And yes, that guy parks in the "No Parking zone" because he's a rebel and him parked under the sign confirms this notion along with that wonderful black fringed jacket. Keep watching and you'll see more unsuccessful lip syncing and an excellent shot of a pipe pumping dirty water into that pond. The camera crew has really out done itself this time! Take a break guys, you deserve it right after you decide to make this video watchable, which is never. You're fired. At least Jan Terri looks great. Wrong again. Don't ever work in production again. That's all there really is to this video. Here's the storyline that I've come up with: Terrible. A bunch of unfulfilled walks down the street followed by a bike riding, foupa flashing suck fest. Then she gets on a plane. The end. Abu Dhabi, boy are you going to enjoy this one! And for god sakes, keep it!
In the wrestling business, there's a locker room custom that states that you are to introduce yourself to everyone that you do not know in said locker room. Without getting into too much detail, not doing this is a giant breach of etiquette, and I've seen instances where people have been singled out for not following this tradition and embarassed to the point that they never returned to the promotion. Hell, WWE even made a gimmick out of it at one point.
That said, you only have to introduce yourself when you're meeting someone for the first time. After that, it's perfectly acceptable to just say hello and continue along.
This brings me to tonight's post, based on someone who just doesn't get that idea.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Jason Derulo. Actually, I take that back - our new friend Jason does a pretty good job of doing that himself.
I'm surprised - I actually thought there were a lot more than three examples when I started writing this post. That's not important, though, as introducing yourself to an audience three times is really more than enough. I mean, really, we got it the first time. The second time? Sure, that doesn't hurt, just to be safe, but that's starting to border on unnecessary. Introducing yourself a third time, though? Now that's just too much. We get it - we know your name, Jason (if I may call you that - I mean, after three introductions, we should really be on a first name basis, as now we're practically best friends). That's not even a creative gimmick to have. All it does is get a horribly autotuned version of some guy's name stuck in your head for what feels like an eternity.
Oh, and did I mention how his music completely sucks? It's as run-of-the-mill as it can possibly be. I've heard more inspired music on episodes of Phineas and Ferb.
In reality, that was an excuse to post a video from Phineas and Ferb (like a 30 year old guy needs one of those!), but seriously - this stuff is FAR more sophisticated that "you're my it girl/baby you're the shit girl." With lines like that, I bet he has to fight the ladies off with a stick!
Or maybe because he has songs on the radio. Yeah, that's more likely.
There's plenty of new people to introduce yourself to in Abu Dhabi, Jason Derulo (said in autotuned tones). Please, go meet them. Leave us all alone.
Formed by English pop band in 1989, the brothers Richard and Fred Fairbrass were seasoned veterans of touring. Shorty after being joined by Robert Manzoli in 1990, the group released their most popular single, “I’m Too Sexy” on Tug reocrds.In Fact, Right Said Fred are the first UK artists since the Beatles to reach the No. 1 slot in the U.S. with a debut single.
I know, right.
I was going to write a dissertation on this song, but I’m just too sexy for this post. Just watch the video and relive the early 90’s commentary on the overzealous fashion industry.
This past summer. Here is a synopsis of the Facebook status updates I saw.
"Bored"
"Sick"
"Misc Dirty Laundry Airing"
"Pregnant!"
" ...Well That's alright because I love the way you lie"
" Just gonna stand there and watch me burn"
"Guess that's why they call it window pain"
statuses with lyrics from " Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars... I could really use a wish right now" , "Love the Way You Lie", "Hey Soul Sister", & "Fireflies" (already in the box thank god). way overdone.
I don;t mind the earlier ones, minus the dirty laundry airing. Which on occasion can be fun. What I do mind is the last 3. Quotes from Eminem's "Love the Way you Lie" Featuring Rihanna.
The song in and of itself is not bad. It is kind of good, in a sad, disturbing kind of way. Has a good hook, tragic content, decent video.
You may be asking why is it going in the box then?
Well because frankly I got so burnt out of it due to the endless status updates. The rest of those song status updates were equally annoying but, the frequency was beyond compare.
Wait Ang, maybe it's the people you know...
Imagine my surprise, while logged on my husband's Facebook and saw the same status sprinkled all about.
Here is the vidya for anyone who hasn't been privy to this song.
I was once, and I guess sort of still am a pretty big fan of Eminem, and it has been no secret that he has a very volatile relationship with Kim, his wife, fiancee, girlfriend, murder victim, whore, love of his life,baby mama, etc. Its sick and its sad, but it has been documented in a ton of his songs. In any case this song tells the story of a terrible relationship, with abuse, but not wanting to let go on both ends. When its great its amazing and when its bad, its violent and awful.
My problem is people thinking because their boyfriend left the seat up this was a reason to make " Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" and update, nor is your husband staying out to late , as in said he would be home at 8pm but arrives at 815pm and says it was traffic merit "love the way you lie"
These people are fucking stupid. Truthfully I deleted most of these people because their updates in general were stupid, but these types of updates just put me over the edge. So because of this I now have to put a song I like into the box and send it away to prevent people from annoying me with it. So take it away before I change my mind Abu Dhabi, hopefully you can use it more responsibly. I'll send it to you on a raft set blaze, watching it burn as it floats off in the distance. :)
-Angie
Hey everybody. In this world of terrible music, I feel it would be
a tragedy if we did not throw some other garbage into the box. With that said,
I would like to introduce you to a new segment here in Abu Dhabi land. I present to you...
THINKING OUTSIDE
THE BOX~!
Our first entry.
This iconic image; Shutter sunglasses. Of course when I see this
image, only one image comes to my mind.
Ok so maybe it was just an excuse to post the picture, but
seriously. SHUTTER SUNGLASSES. What kinda shit for brains came up with the idea
for glasses that are not clear. In fact they are so beyond not clear, that
there are horizontal bars in front of them. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure
this is just fashion, and actually to my knowledge, this may even be dated
fashion now. But at the time of this stupid fad, there was no Box To Abu Dhabi
blogsite that I could post on, so I didn't get a chance to rant. But now's a
better time than ever I guess. These things are really fucking stupid.
Taken directly
from the wikipedia, in fact this is the whole article.
"Shutter Shades
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Shutter Shades are a design of slatted sunglasses commercially available since the 1980s.
Instead of having lenses, the design is characterized by its "shutter" motif, which is part of the frame. The shades are marketed as suitable for both men and women.[1] are available in an assortment of styles and colors. Depending on the design, Shutter Shades may not function as sunglasses; although some models contain UV resistant lenses, many do not, and only feature a series of horizontal plastic "shades," which neither provide protection for the eye from UV light nor prevent a substantial amount of light from entering the eye.
History
First available in the 1980s, nicknamed "Venetian Blinders," a then-popular design of louvered eyewear were featured in the music videos for "Glittering Prize" by Simple Minds in 1982 and"Obsession" by Animotion in 1984. Alain Mikli made a contemporary custom design for Kanye West[2], again influenced by the fashion of the 1980s. West popularized the glasses in the music videofor "Stronger."[3] In 2007, Shutter Shades Inc emerged, patented the current sleeker plastic design[4] and coined and trademarked the term "Shutter Shades".[5] Over the remainder of the year and the next, several celebrities publicly embraced the style of the shades, quickly establishing this new design of eyewear as a pop culture staple.[6] During the 2010 FIFA World Cup many fans were seen wearing shutter shades with the design of their respective flag pictured on the glasses."
You know what that whole article is
Dog Shit. Good old fashion American Dog Shit. If you wanna wear sunglasses, wear fucking sunglasses. If you wanna walk around with shit in front of your eyes, wear a blind fold. But so god sake don't walk around with these stupid fucking sunglasses. You look fucking stupid
That ends the first entry of "Thinking Outside The Box"
Gwen Stefani can only write good lyrics when she is heartbroken. In today's post, I am going to send off 3 Gwen Stefani written songs, both for No Doubt and her solo career, from times in her life where it seems everything was just... okay.
First, we have 6 Feet Under. This song is just... morbid. I hope I never feel this way on my birthday. With lyrics like "Today is my birthday, and I get one every year. And someday...hard to believe, but I'll be buried six feet underground" set to an upbeat melody, something doesn't seem right to me.
Happy Birthday! I'm going to die someday!
I don't have much recollection of this story, but I've been told that as a little kid, I used to cry the night before my birthday, saying ridiculous things like "I don't wanna turn 5! I don't wanna get old and die!" So basically, Gwen Stefani has the reasoning of my toddler-self.
We move on to a song off the same album, Return of Saturn, that makes me not be able to listen to the album straight through. This song is called Staring Problem, and if the word "staring" were ever the last word in a spelling bee she entered, Gwen would take home the gold. Or whatever you win at a spelling bee.
S-T-A-R-I-N-G. I can't stop staring! Take a photo, it will last longer.
And finally, the very obvious Hollaback Girl. At this point in her career, not only has Gwen gotten over her devastating break up with Tony, but she is now completely content in her marriage and the beginnings of her new family. Nobody knows what a Hollaback Girl is. Or why she's singing about what seems to be life in high school. This seems to be the general consensus though.
These songs are being shipped off. And if Gwen Stefani is ever single again, she's going with them. Someone try to remember air holes in the box.
I know most of us are trying to leave the memory of the boy bands of the late ninety's behind. And I guess I was actually doing a pretty good job because when I stumbled across the musical disaster that I am going to present to you today, I did not remember Brian McFadden or that he was part of the Irish boy band Westlife. Quite honestly, I didn't remember Westlife.
No big deal though because we won't have time to even discuss his previous crimes against music. We will have enough to discuss with just this one song. What song am I preparing to send off to Abu Dhabi today?
Brian McFadden "Just The Way You Are (Drunk At The Bar)"
I guess we can start with the awfully confusing mix of backwoods banjo and disco club beats. Who thought that was a money making idea? Not only does the combination not make any sense… it DOES NOT sound good.
This past Sunday, I sat in my Nanticoke apartment watching the Super Bowl with some friends, and had the opportunity to check out this year's halftime show. Before it started, I knew that the performance was going to be a trainwreck - it was just a matter of what was going to make it so terrible. As the show kicked off, I heard the sentence that would define the entire experience for me, from recently-reinstated Chikara star Vin Gerard: "Hey look - it's that old lady that thinks she's Lady Gaga."
When this guy is judging your musical presentation, you know you're in bad shape.
It was at that moment I knew what my next shipment would include.
This song is probably the newest song to be sent overseas (eight days after the video was posted online!), and honestly, I knew it had to go the first time I heard it. It's the new single from Madonna's MDNA album, called "Give Me All Your Luvin'." And, without exaggeration, it's safe to say that this may be the worst thing she has ever put out, and that covers a lot of ground (anyone remember "Don't Cry For Me Argentina?").
So, here it is - Madonna's (third or fourth) big comeback. On this track, she's paired up with M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj, who I'm sure has a post of his/her own coming shortly. Within the first four seconds of the song, I'm pissed off, as they insist on spelling love "luv" like they're sixth graders passing notes in class or something. As they pan out and show the entire scene, it's clear that M.I.A. has NO interest in being involved in this project whatsoever, as she has the most bored, uninspired look on her face in the history of music. Nicki Minaj, of course, is on this like white on rice, like any other horrible music he/she has a hand in.
The main problem with this song is that Madonna is, indeed, an old lady pretending to be young, much like Vin pointed out less than a week ago. If she had written this when she was 26, I may have been able to forgive her, but of course, she's 53, so the whole thing comes off as a desperate attempt to prove that she's still hip and relevant. There's glaring examples of this all over the video, with the most embarassing coming as she "dances" in front of a brick wall like she's in a club. She's clearly not, and she clearly doesn't look very good doing this, but hey, it's not stopping her.
It's too bad, because it really should. I think she needs a reality check, or maybe some guidance to figure out how old she is.
These guys know a thing or two about acting your age...or not.
This continues on and on, as she has football players taking bullets for her while she walks through the streets twirling her hair like a ditzy teenager, pretending she's not actually 53. The whole thing just screams "I'M STILL YOUNG AND RELEVANT! PLEASE BUY MY RECORD! WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX! ANYONE? I USED TO DO THAT A LOT! I BET I STILL CAN!"
My message here is simple - anyone who ever claimed that Madonna is "timeless" is clearly delusional, as this song/video/cry for attention proves that theory to be false. Off to Abu Dhabi you go, priority - the sooner we can get out of here, the better.
I bring you what I believe to be the worst song of 2011, “Brown Chicken Brown Cow” by (who was at one time one of my favorite country artists) Trace Adkins.Trace is responsible for some great songs, many of them kitschy, but this absolutely “buys the farm.” The entire premise of the song is two lovers that run off to the barn to get freaky with one another – I say freaky because they’re apparently into having animals watch them.
Yeah, I know...I'm pretty disgusted too.
In the video, the 2 main characters and all of the farm animals just happen to be puppets. If Jim Hensen were alive he would not be impressed and I fully expect to see his Zombie incarnation come and find the producers of this video, but not eat their brains – because they’re not worth it.
So anyway, these two lovers run off to the barn, and in the process, put off all of their chores (“The tractor’s stopped!” Oh no!) so they can get it on “with no one watching”…or so Trace Adkins thinks.In this scenario, our couple has a captive audience in the form of chickens and cows.This brings us to the “joke” (a term which I use loosely) in the song – if you say “brown chicken brown cow” at just the right pace, it sounds an awful lot like the stereotypical “bow chicka bow wow” porn music riff that teenagers have mocked (or, in reality, sang like it’s cool) for generations.Get it?They’re having sex!In the barn!With chickens and cows watching!In the barn!It’s so funny!
Or, in this case, it’s not funny at all.Trace is capable of so much more, yet he came out with this pile of garbage. Submitted for your approval - "Brown Chicken Brown Cow," by Trace Adkins.I sure hope there’s a barn this song can run off to in Abu Dhabi, so that it can hide even better from the locals there, who should not be subjected to it.
Alrighty then. Box to Abu Dhabi. Keeping the consecutive one post a day extravaganza posts going on this wonderful blog. Well it's ole Kev's turn to ship something out. And I got one that I'm looking to pick apart. One deserves a "dishonorable mention" before we move on here. A band that barely missed being the subject of a verbal annihilation was pretty much anything by the band O.A.R. Consider yourselves very lucky gentleman. You've been on my shit list since I've heard of your band, and oh I promise you, your college toolbag, hippie wannabe, jam band antics will feel my wrath one day soon enough, mark my words! Screw you guys. I'm sure your "crazy game of poker" consisted of chai mocha lattes with extra cream and someone taking off their shirt. Yea, fun. Bite me. Anyway, on to the roasting at hand. In the vein of O.A.R, comes a band that has been around a lot longer and had taken almost the same music stylings and has given people headaches other than your average "free spirited" tie-dye wearing turds in their early 20's that lack any good taste in music. Well, for video.most part. Let me remind friends I know that are "not of my genre of music liking" that this is not an attack on you, but I along with many others can not stand this guy or his wobbly ass feet. I'm talking about The Dave Matthews Band. They have many "hits" and have debuted on the charts with their album as you remember "Under the Table and Dreaming." Dreaming is far from what I have done when I heard these songs. More like musical nightmares that haunt me beyond the sleeping world. I mean we're talking about a guy while on tour, his tour bus dropped piles and piles and shit off a bridge, only to have it land on people on a boat under the bridge. Well it seems they've always been good at dropping shit in music video form in this little diddy they call "Everyday." I'm going to give you, the reader, a heads up, I tried to follow this video as much as I could and I'll try to break it down for you as I saw it.
Here we go. Observe.
Well, that was stupid. Video opens. Oh look it's a guy who looks exactly like the fat dude who was in that "Balls Of Fury" Movie that was not funny and stole roughly an hour and a half of my life I will not get back. So I already hate this fucking video. Seems that he has some pictures on his wall that are of other families and friends that are definitely not his, which already makes this guy a certified creeper. We also see here he's going with his "white trash with a hipster edge" look today as he straps those shoes on his feet and ready to steal everyone's oxygen out on the city streets. He appears to be offering..hugs? Wow, don't you ladies still wear those safety whistles because of guys like this? You should because it's obvious he's looking to cop a feel.Guys and girls alone denying this goof. Come one bro, these people have things to do and they don't involve hugging your smelly ass. Even pestering the poor garbage man. Wait, what is he a garbage man? What was that white thing that guy was driving? Not important, or my point. Moving on. We come across an old couple. Old man Jeb wants nothing to do with mongoloid boy here, but it seems Ethel decides to give this poor sucker a hug. I assure you she'll hear about it when they get to their black coffee and fish sandwich social down at the local Burger King.People are starting to hug him more now so I'm assuming at this point the creep's got a raging boner. Gross. Rubbing up on grandma at the street corner that wants no part of it, yep there it is. By this time the police should have been on the scene to remove this man. He's out of control. Doesn't this guy have somewhere to go? Alright, we got some angry white males to give him a reality check with a little push and shove of discontent. Meanwhile, I haven't mentioned yet this song is awful? Dave Matthews belting out those notes in the key of "skinning a cat". It's so boring. We get it "Every day. Every day. All you need is love. Every day." We get the them Dave, stop ramming it down our throats their chief. Now the man's in a news station hugging the cast. Looks like the the weatherman has a forecast for us Bob. Cloudy with a chance of weirdo touching everyone at central park today. Better bring a coat and a tazer just in case. At 2:15 in the video, come on man! The boys are trying to play some basketball man, get off the fucking court! Good job I bet that dude missed a block from an easy lay up from the other team. Fail. Okay at this point I can't stand the repetition of the idea of this video. Hug, hug, hug everybody. Now he's in a classroom. Who lets this guy on school grounds? Someone needs to bring this up at the next PTA meeting. Now he walks in on the band jamming out. We see the man that has made this unbearable video and song possible, good old Dave himself. I shake my head in disgust at this point. Hey violin player, nice leather vest bro. Dave Matthews continues to make eerie faces at someone off camera. Save it for the bedroom buddy. At least we don't see him doing any seizure dances with his legs. Okay so I found one good thing about this video, big deal. Not redeemable enough obviously.Now we got a hug fest. Hug a firefighter, hug a horse, sure! Whatever it takes to put an end to this insanity.Hugging the Blue Man Group, wow come on guys enough is enough. The end shows creeper hitting the sack. That's it all in a nutshell. I'll do a quick pre-determined Q&A for you 1.) Am I not a DMB fan by any stretch of the imagination? The proof is in the pudding my friends. 2.) Did a drink a little haterade today? Yes but only during this video. Big tall glass too, fruit punch flavor. Delicious. 3.) Are you sure you want to send Dave Matthews to Abu Dhabi? Had every intention to way before I even sat down to write this blog. "Crash Into Me" Dave? No I won't just the music store that carries an over abundance of your albums so they don't get played again. There you go. Pack it, stamp it, ship it. Peace out. Hope you enjoyed my rant.
Cheers
When "LULU" was first released last Halloween, I knew that within the first couple seconds that this whole record needed to be packed up and shipped to Abu Dhabi. For a while, I was deciding if this is the worst piece of crappy music ever to be produced, or brilliance at a level that’s beyond my mortal capacity to appreciate it.
Metallica were the pioneers of thrashmetal in the 80s-90s, playing to sell-out crowds in stadiums. The ‘Black Album” was released in ’91 and has since sold well over 15 million copies. Ever since then, they have attempted to alienate its fan base album after album. Lou Reed of the esteemed Velvet Underground and best known for his solo counterculture anthem "Walk On The Wild Side,” make up the second half of this travesty. I am actually having a difficult time finding anything good with this project. Just look at them:
This picture looks a lot like a “Weekend at Bernies” reboot:
A long time ago, German playwright Frank Wedekind wrote a series of plays, which tell the story of a tempestuous woman named Lulu. A century later, Metallic and Lou Reed decided it was a good idea to write a musical narrative with this excellent story. Clocking in just under 90 minutes too long, this train-wreck of what they consider music sounds a lot like the recording of a Metallica practice where a drunken old man wanders in from the cold. For some reason, they give this man a microphone, and allow him to regurgitate whatever comes to his mind while they roll the tape. The music seems so disconnected from the lyrics, it is like they recorded each separately and then mashed them together. It is very similar to the William Shatner rendition of Rocket Man which is definitely in the brilliance category:
Every once and a while, James Hetfield interjects his, for lack of a better word, what we will call, chorus. My favorite lyrics of the whole album come during the chorus of “The View” where he professes his true identity, “I am a table!” Another excerpt: “If I pump blood in the sunshine and you wear a leather box with azaleas and I pump more blood and it seeps through my skin. Will you adore the river, the stream, the trickle, the tributary of my heart.” No, that is not the cryptic writing in your little sisters diary; those are legitimate lyrics. This is so bad, I would need a couple posts just to sum it all up, but instead of subjecting myself to it, I'll wrap it up here.
Submitted for your approval to be packed, and shipped directly to the city of the Father of the Deer. Maybe we will look back on this record in 100 years, and change our minds. I think that if this was the human races’ first impression on an intelligent alien race, I’m pretty sure it would end up with the human race becoming decimated.
5'O Clock Tpain, featuring Wiz Kalifa, sampling Lily Allen. What do you know? A perfect storm of things I cannot stand. Submitted for your approval, the worst song burrowing into my ear drums currently.
I am not sure what is worse, Lily Allen's annoying voice, or the equally annoying autotune, or maybe the fact that this song is so sexist, but yet teenagers and yes grown ass women are smitten by this song. Let me break it down for you all.
Once upon a time there was a young gentlemen, He works at a bar/ is a pimp/ maybe just a rapper, maybe just a club rat who knows. Enter the lady in this story, she stays home, per the song, all the time. While he goes out and does his thing. I guess she doesn't like having to stay home, as she keeps texting him that she is horny? and that when he gets home, rather if he comes home early enough , Oh yeah he's going to get some. But later on in the song she gets mad, at him staying out all knight, and begins to doubt his fidelity? I guess.
Enter Lily Allen's sample. which in the context of the song makes no sense, and reminds me a bit of a poor man's version of this.
Not the same mind you, but the town is similar. This does not sound like some broad left at home while her man is out working/ having a good time. Nor does she sound all that horny?
Back to our fairy tale of sorts. So in any case, he is reading her texts, and ignoring them, and she is getting progressively more mad, but still willing to give up sex? i guess in an attempt to get him back home. But alas, all these girls at the club are holding him up, but they are too drunk to go home with. All he can think about is his lady fair sitting up in his bedroom, naked, but wearing one of his chains.
Enter Johnny autotune, aka T-pain, talk about a talent-less fuck I have had just about enough of. Even I get a good laugh out of the t-pain App, however That is all he is, clown shoes. He is the icing on the cake on the death of music. in any case he sings? his little schpeal, pretty much reiterating the aforementioned story line. Lets face facts, hes been auto tuning the crap out of this song from the start, so here comes WIZ. to tell his version of this stupid ass pointless tale. He's drunk, drives home from the club, which closes at 6, but like a gentlemen, he left at 4:30am. Finally could get away from the drunk girls there. He comes home, she's got only his shirt on that he left at her house, and she even left his iphone charger plugged in. So shes asleep, I guess she gave up on getting some tonight. But don't worry, now he's horny and hes going to get some from the floor to the dresser., because "The Sun ain't the only thing coming up" this morning.
Lastly, all she has to say at the end of this fucked up version of sleeping beauty, is " damn babe you woke me up", really? after sleep molestation from your drunk ass fuck buddy. That's all? Last I checked women, did not deem it to be sexed up without their consent, and Ladies don't text a guy, who is too busy with other women begging for sex. So to Abu Dhabi with you. Perhaps by sending you away reparations to the setbacks on women can be made.
ANOTHER THING I am sick of seeing this song be quoted on Facebook. Which brings me to my next post, but that is for another time.
I don't know if we have put Rebecca Black in the box to be shipped off to Abu Dhabi yet. Quite honestly I did not look but, she is going to have to wait. For those of you that are worried trust me I have good reason because Jenna Rose needs to get shipped off first!
Our 12 year old pop starlet sings about owning a brand of jean that are apparently a big deal, such a big deal that Hannah Montana, Ashley Tisdale & Keke Palmer are wearing them too. How this is enough substance to amount to a full song… I am unsure.
"My Jeans" is auto-tuned so much that I am pretty sure that Jenna Rose doesn't sound anything like the finished product. The song also features someone called Baby Triggy and he doesn't really help the situation. I don't know about you but I find it disturbing for kids this young (or anyone quite frankly) to be using phrases like "jack my swag" and "so fresh, so clean, all eyes on me".
If you think your ears can take it, here is the video for My Jeans by Jenna Rose Featuring Baby Triggy
This trend of tween wannabe stars terrifies me and I sure hope to see the end of it. Until then we will just keep throwing them in the box.
A few years back, I saw the musical "Spring Awakening" in its original run. The talent of all of these young actors and singers really blew me away. I always hope that people with this kind significant ability are successful in their own right, but stay true to their craft. Unfortunately, our leading lady that night, Lea Michele, did not do that.
A few years later, I was told that I "MUST" watch "Glee." I have seen bits and pieces, and really can't stand it for quite a few reasons. 1) I was in a Glee Club once, and no one cared about anything we did, let alone thought we were cool for it. 2) They cover songs that suck and somehow make them equally as sucky. I wish the cast of "Glee" would stop making music and get cancelled, but unfortunately, the music cover show is popular among people of all ages. Because the majority of the people out there would rather watch someone like Lea Michele sing Katy Perry tunes instead of something like this.
Abu Dahbi, please take this group of 30 year old teenagers and keep them forever.
I, Christian Elliott Decker, 26 year old married man, payer of rent, 40 hour a week job haver & tax playing citizen, enjoy ska music.
Pick it up Mother Fucker.
It all started in high school, and I had gone threw all of my phases at one point. I was into straight up rock music at one point (which at the time was a lot of LIMP BIZKIT) then I did the retro 90's phase of listening to nothing but Nirvana, Alice In Chains and Mudhoney (because if I learned one thing, listening to those cool bands from Seattle that didn't make it was a good way to score scene points). I slowly got into a Dave Matthews transitioning into indie rock (around the time the band "The Vines" were cool) and right before I dove right into that indie rock pool, a friend of mine asked me "Hey man, you like SKA~!?" I answered with "Yeah...it's pretty good" - fast forward 2 years later I was literally getting measure for my CHECKER BOARD TATTOO before I realize I did not have the cash to get said tattoo. Being in a ska band and being surrounded by the scene puts you in the position to listen to some of the best and worst bands in the genre. I'll never forget going to Bloomfield Ave Cafe to see The Arrogant Sons of Bitches which was a precursor to Bomb The Music Industy! which is going strong right now, and just being amazed at how awesome A.S.O.B was, only to remember early in the night seeing one of the worst bands (and Ska related puns) ever; Pirates of the SKAribbean.
In between the best and the worst that night, there was one other band that played. They were a Wisconsin band by the name of I Voted for Kodos (a name taken from a quite popular Simpsons "Treehouse of Horror" episode). I had believe it or not heard of this band, due to the pivotal ska website www.turnuptheska.com which was a site where the bands songs were just listed...you pick a song you wanna hear....and over your winamp music player the song would play after other people's songs were done playing. This website was a very very very early sort of Slacker Radio in many ways. Anyhow, I had heard them through this medium, and of course my 17 year old self was really into their popular concert anthems like "She Hates Ska" "Pastaroni" "Where Are We Going To" & "Todd."
So after seeing them live and enjoying dancing in circle pits and so on, I went to their merch table and I bought their debut album "Close Enough For Ska" and their EP "Not Penis Cream." I was so excited about having seen these guys. A fun live show, cool merch, great stories, the things that great concerts are made of. These CDs became a staple of my iPod for the next few years my computer was wiped and I never added it back on...until I added them back the other day. Now 7 years since seeing them in concert, I listened to that first album, the one that go me hooked to their music and I realized...
THEY ARE OBSESSED WITH REEL BIG FISH.
LEGIT...THEY WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with liking a band and trying to emulate their style. I personally always, when writing ska or reggae tunes, emulated a lot from the band The Slackers just due to how they articulate the horns and the rhythm section and their lyrics. Plenty of famous musicians have been inspired by other musicians. Without Bob Marley, there would be no Sublime, without The Beatles we wouldn't have Oasis, without Dr. Demento we wouldn't have "Weird" Al Yankovic. The list goes on and on. But in all of these cases, not one of them wrote a song about BEING THE LEAD SINGER OF THE BAND.
Exhibit A- "Wish I Was Aaron"
and all the kids are jumping up and down been so long since I've seen a rude boy in this town 'cause he traded in his strips for a Hawaiian shirt he's got his new Doc Martin's to kick the dirt, well I'm not old school (but I still wear my chucks) Probably always will ('cause our band really sucks) Want to make it big (is that so bad?) Want to be Reel Big Fish
Wish I was Aaron, I'd take the stage All the little girl's would be amazed And the kids would listen to every word I say Wish I was Aaron (and I wish I was Scott)
.....the song continues like this the whole rest of time, occasionally spitting out random RBF lyrics in turn with their own song. And it just get's creepy after a while. And the worst part is that this isn't even the first Reel Big Fish reference on the album. There's one earlier which is way less creepy but still, calling out some dude in a band by his first name without knowing him is still strange. And besides there is already a Reel Big Fish rip-off band.
Anyone order a ska band of Theater Majors? Anyone?
Also I noticed something else. One of the standout songs is a internet love story full of all the fun computer lingo that you could handle in one song.
Exhibit B- "HTTP://www.dumped.com"
But then you didn't LOL anymore
You didn't BRB for more And every time talked You always seemed to get, disconnected (yeah right)
I can still remember, when I got your e-mail,
Subject I'm seeing another guy You said he was six foot two, Two hundred twenty five pounds, but his profiles probably a lie All night long I cried and wept, it hurt like a deep cut I hope he gives you some type of horrible virus you cyber slut
I'm going to fill all of your inboxes with spam
I'm going to disable your norton virus scan You're going to live to regret this for many years Because you messed with an engineer
Http://www.dumped.com
If that wasn't bad enough. the chorus repeats the URL address. as in...
"AYECH TEE TEE PEE COLON SLASH SLASH DOUBLEUDOUBLEUDOUBLEU DOT DUMPED DOT CAHM"
Have you ever tried to say 3 Ws in a row? If you are just saying the URL from the Ws and the word in the middle only having one consonant, you can say the address in a not 4/4 time scheme.
BUT WHEN YOU FUCKING SAY THE WHOLE THING OUT YOUR Ws SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE MARBLES IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. IT SOUNDS LIKE WW.DUMPED.COM
Not exactly marbles but you get the idea.
So these two things specifically drove me fucking nuts listening to this album. And than once you find little cuts in the fabric, things start to become unraveled. I start listening to how their horns sound. Their alto was too loud, how the tone on their guitar sounds, how the lyrics on one song are super serious, and then the next song is about a girl in his Calc Lecture class. I hate back and forth feelings of total WACKINESS and then deathly serious. And in the genre of Pop-Ska, there are so many other bands that I still listen to that just do it so much better.
In the end, what my real problem I think was after I saw the concert in 2005, they quickly changed genres. They became a Power Pop band, released one more full length of Power Pop shit, and even than STILL referencing Reel Big Fish with the first track on the album called "Turn The Radio On". They alienated their fan base (me included) and they broke up in 2007. Very much a story of a band for lack of a better term "selling out" trying to make more money by following another scene. It made me bitter cause I liked them a lot. But listening back now I can honestly say they were not very good. But it takes me back to that day of being in that small punk rock club, skankin' like a mofo, singing along every word of most of the bands there and just enjoying my late teenagehood.
I guess when it comes right down to it, I am throwing "Close Enough For Ska"-The entire album by I Voted For Kodos in their because, even though it's an independent album on an independent label, it's still really not that good. It is littered with things that make the ska scene bad. Terrible references to rude boys and Vans sneakers. A shout out to The Specials, and plenty of "Pick it up's" to make all those Jamaican MC's happy. Along with other great teenage drama issues like lonliness and being in the friend zone, which was something that my recently graduated self in 2005 could still understand. But if you just want to listen to songs in the same genre, do yourself a favor and check out the "Real" thing: Reel Big Fish, Five Iron Frenzy, Save Ferris, Goldfinger, MU330, Catch 22. And if you ask me, if you wanna check out real good ska still, definitely check out The Slackers, David Hillyard and the Rocksteady 7, Chris Murray, Bomb The Music Industry! Streetlight Manifesto, The Planet Smashers and of course The Pietasters. So Committee, throw IV4K in the box....but let me keep my copy. I may wanna relive those memories occasionally.
