They probably should just give it up...

          When "LULU" was first released last Halloween, I knew that within the first couple seconds that this whole record needed to be packed up and shipped to Abu Dhabi. For a while, I was deciding if this is the worst piece of crappy music ever to be produced, or brilliance at a level that’s beyond my mortal capacity to appreciate it. 

          Metallica were the pioneers of thrashmetal in the 80s-90s, playing to sell-out crowds in stadiums. The ‘Black Album” was released in ’91 and has since sold well over 15 million copies. Ever since then, they have attempted to alienate its fan base album after album. Lou Reed of the esteemed Velvet Underground and best known for his solo counterculture anthem "Walk On The Wild Side,” make up the second half of this travesty. I am actually having a difficult time finding anything good with this project. Just look at them:

This picture looks a lot like a “Weekend at Bernies” reboot:

          A long time ago, German playwright Frank Wedekind wrote a series of plays, which tell the story of a tempestuous woman named Lulu. A century later, Metallic and Lou Reed decided it was a good idea to write a musical narrative with this excellent story. Clocking in just under 90 minutes too long, this train-wreck of what they consider music sounds a lot like the recording of a Metallica practice where a drunken old man wanders in from the cold. For some reason, they give this man a microphone, and allow him to regurgitate whatever comes to his mind while they roll the tape. The music seems so disconnected from the lyrics, it is like they recorded each separately and then mashed them together. It is very similar to the William Shatner rendition of Rocket Man which is definitely in the brilliance category:

          Every once and a while, James Hetfield interjects his, for lack of a better word, what we will call, chorus. My favorite lyrics of the whole album come during the chorus of “The View” where he professes his true identity, “I am a table!” Another excerpt: “If I pump blood in the sunshine and you wear a leather box with azaleas and I pump more blood and it seeps through my skin. Will you adore the river, the stream, the trickle, the tributary of my heart.” No, that is not the cryptic writing in your little sisters diary; those are legitimate lyrics. This is so bad, I would need a couple posts just to sum it all up, but instead of subjecting myself to it, I'll wrap it up here.

          Submitted for your approval to be packed, and shipped directly to the city of the Father of the Deer. Maybe we will look back on this record in 100 years, and change our minds. I think that if this was the human races’ first impression on an intelligent alien race, I’m pretty sure it would end up with the human race becoming decimated.


 You probably shouldn't watch this:

-Todd